


Fishtank

by Ryuuka90



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bickering, Childhood Friends, Developing Relationship, Dialogue Heavy, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Love, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Light-Hearted, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Romantic Comedy, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Time Progression, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 73,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27186172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryuuka90/pseuds/Ryuuka90
Summary: "Even if I could erase these feelings, I don’t know that I would.""Even if anything changed, that doesn't mean it would be better."A fish tank, an apartment and a continuous heart to heart with the ambiguousness of an ordinary existence, a stagnant unhappiness and You.[Rin!Haru] [Post S3 AU] WIP.
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin & Nanase Haruka, Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka
Comments: 102
Kudos: 56





	1. August, 2020

**Author's Note:**

> My first multi-chapter fic! It’s about wellbeing, sexuality, falling in love and... a fish. Expect slice of life content with lots of dialogue and domestic scenes, slow burn Rin!Haru pairing and eventual mature content. It's 11 chapters and an epilogue. 
> 
> The fic occurs post season 3 and uses canon from all the available anime/drama CDs as of winter 2020 (ignoring content in the manga/light novels).  
> My timeline assumes season 3 was 2017-2018 in-universe.

** August 1 **

There was dryness at the back of his throat. He slammed his hand down and pushed whatever remaining strength he had into his arms, pulling himself over the edge of the pool. He ripped off his cap and goggles- gasping. 

There were bright lights all around him and the roaring of the crowd echoed through the stadium. He didn't hear the announcers voice- it was static on his ears, a constant thousand hertz buzz competing with the thumps of his heart. Automatically, he turned around to the leader board.

-1-

 _Again,_ he thought.

Around him, other swimmers were climbing out of the water and staggering away. One of them tossed him a look as he passed, muttering in his own language. Haru watched him go for a moment before making his way toward his coach.

"That's it! That's how you beat ‘em! _HAH!_ "

Ryuji was drawing looks as he ruffled Haru’s hair. He accepted his jacket and put it on: aware of the cameras pointed at him. 

“C'mon! Get over to the podium!"

His gaze wandered toward the back of the stands, where other swimmers were lining up for the next semi-final. Rin was in conversation with some of the others. They were talking in English, so Haru couldn’t tell what it was about, but Rin looked happy, and one of them set a hand down on his shoulder. Then Ryuji thumped his back.

"They're on a schedule! _Go on!"_

"I'm going," he protested, making his way to join the rest.

Interviews were conducted and photographs were taken. Haru lost track of how many reporters he spoke with and was grateful when his coach finally begun to half-shout, half-shoo approaching groups of them away. It had gotten late: the crowds had emptied from the stands and the August sky had turned peach with sunset.

"Go get changed." Ryuji moved to leave. " You did a good job today. Let’s get back to the hotel so you can rest."

"Not yet," Haru insisted, stubbornly. "There's something I need to do first."

His coach cast a quick glance toward the practice pool, then sighed. "Alright. Don't make it long."

He found Rin over there, leisurely doing lengths. As Haru approached, he came close to the side, lifting up his goggles before resting his arms over a lane rope.

"Hey," Rin called up. "Don't go all out in practice. I don't want to hear any excuses about pulling a muscle when I beat you next week."

His race, apparently, had gone fine. Haru responded in turn:

"You should worry about yourself."

Rin grinned. "You've gotten faster since our last time. You need someone to turn up the heat on you, so I'm not going to hold anything back. Get ready, okay? I'm gonna give you the workout of your life."

"Go and save your energy."

Rin blinked water out of his eyelashes, grinning again.

"I'll be waiting for you, Haru," he answered before he dove under in a splash.

_He's like a child._

Heat crept up the back of Haru’s neck, in spite of that thought. Olympic competition so far had been exhaustive. He was ready for it to be over. But, thinking about that final freestyle race next week… he was beginning to feel unusually motivated.

* * *

** August 7 **

He was changing into swimwear, when he dropped an aerosol taking it out of his locker. It clattered as it bounced from the bench to the floor; the noise drew Rin’s attention, and he came over to leer.

"Hah, look at you. You're all flustered..."

"I'm not."

Haru’s response was firm although his palms... really did feel warm. It wasn’t just those; his whole body felt over-sensitive. Was this anticipation? There was no reason to be worried about losing with his current record. Was he excited? _Yes_ , he realised, with some measure of confidence: that must be it. Still... what a troublesome feeling: it was hard to keep it under control. He felt more powerful like this- like there was energy coiled up tight inside of him, desperate to be released. He went on out ahead.

As he stepped out into the stadium, he took in the surroundings he'd grown accustomed to over the past several weeks. The gigantic, dome-like structure with its open roof. The news commenters box, high up above him. The aqua blue stretch of pool water. The rows of seats filled with people- the spotlights and cameras. There was a nervous second where it all threatened to overwhelm him, before he closed his eyes and re-focused himself. He'd done this before and he could do it again. He _wanted_ to do it again-

His life until now had primed and sharpened him for it.

He stretched, adjusting his cap and goggles as anticipation built like a static charge. Beside him, he saw Rin close his eyes and breathe in deeply- similarly clearing his own mind.

He climbed onto the podium, lowerinh himself into position when the whistle blew- feeling his senses acutely sharpening. He blocked out everything except the sound of the electronic pistol, tensing when he heard _take your mark_ \- and diving on the _beep._

It was a perfect start. His arms cut through the surface of the water as he emerged, his legs kicking powerfully to push himself forward: bursting into motion. When his focus was properly attuned to swimming, he could block out his exhaustion so that on the cusp of his physical limits, his movements remained natural and uninhibited. His nerves were alight, thrumming with the awareness that he _didn’t have a fraction of a second to lose._ His mind was clear yet simultaneously chaotic- like the water rushing around him. His concentration flickered away momentarily when he made the turn, as he felt the momentum from Rin in the lane beside him rippling through the water. They were too close for Haru to tell if he was gaining on him- or, if he was already ahead.

Before he knew it, he’d slammed his hand down. His fingers were almost too weak to grip the pool edge yet shakily, he managed to pull himself out and stand- ripping off his cap and goggles. His ears rung loud and hollow; every breath he took felt like it was tearing at the tissue of his lungs.

Suddenly, he was afraid. He didn’t want to look at the scoreboard. On their own, his eyes went to the lane beside him- although he was more afraid of what he’d see there. He made eye contact with Rin; heart hammering in his throat.

Rin was in a heap on the floor, staring up at him. He still hadn’t caught his breath- his shoulders heaving as his chest rose and fell- and Haru was unable to do anything but stare back, unable to process what that look meant... until- in a fast movement- Rin got up and hurled himself at him.

His body slammed into Haru: hard. He stumbled back a step, and the impact would have caused him to fall if Rin’s arms weren’t simultaneously around his back, gripping him tightly. Then, Rin begun to laugh. It came out in a rush- since he was still short of breath- but the sound was warm and light: spilling over them both. Hesitantly, Haru lifted his head from Rin’s shoulder to see the number lit up beside his own name on the scoreboard.

-1-

Was that... okay?

Rin pulled away, and he was aware of everything again. The ring of people cheering. The lights shining down. The world swam back into focus, bright, and loud- and they were standing there, at the centre of it.

“That was amazing!” Rin’s breaths were still coming out shakily. “I feel like I could do it all over again!”

“It was close,” Haru admitted, with a smile. “...I didn’t know what was going to happen.”

Rin’s eyes sparkled- tears building at the corners- before he laughed abruptly, grabbing Haru's wrist and pulling him off.

There was the medal ceremony, photographs and interviews; as they went through the motions, Haru considered the outcome. There had been half a second of difference between their times- he’d obtained first place, with Rin coming in second. If Rin had accepted that... it was okay to win, wasn’t it? Beside him, he put an arm around Haru's shoulder and grinned to pose for a camera crew. For a moment, Haru gave into the warmth blossoming in his chest and smiled too, whilst clicks and flashes resounded around them.

An hour later, Rin was sighing and thinking aloud as they showered off.

“To be honest, I expected that... but seriously... half a second of difference is rough...”

“You made it worse for yourself by talking big before,” Haru responded.

“You’re amazing- I never argued with that. I beat my own record back there with you, too...”

“Yeah. You did well. I was impressed by how fast you were.” When Rin stared at him, like he’d said something odd, Haru added: “For... for... someone who came in second.”

Rin slowly broke into a lopsided smirk, batting his eyelashes. “Be careful, Haru. That was half of a compliment.”

“Then I take it back.”

“You can’t. I heard it already, so I won’t let you!”

He was still in a good mood getting dressed-

“But you know, I was a fifth of a second away from the margin of error,” he declared emphatically. “So, just because you beat me once, don’t tell yourself it’s some kind of pattern!”

“It is.” Haru dropped down on a bench. He pulled up one knee and begun to lace his shoe- “We could do it ten times and the result would still be the same.”

"You think so..?"

"Mn. Because it's true."

“Hey. Look at this.”

He glanced up, to a cell phone shoved in his face. On the screen, there was a photograph of the two of them, wearing their separate team jackets and medals. Rin had an arm thrown around his shoulder and they were both smiling.

“It came out well,” Haru noticed quietly.

“Yeah. It got online quickly, too.” He slipped the phone back into his pocket and glowed. “Gou came to watch with my mom and foster parents- we’re gonna go eat together. You have any plans like that..?”

“My parents are here with Makoto. We’ll do something.”

“That’s good.” Rin fidgeted with the strap of his bag, hesitating in the light of the hallway. “Haru,” he begun, slowly. “Congratulations: I had a lot of fun today. And you were...” He blushed, then sighed. “It’s not like you won’t hear this anywhere else, but... you were... really… great.”

He turned and ran off down the hall, leaving Haru alone. He stood, pulling his bag up over his shoulder, frowning at the lingering, reverberating sensation that he could still feel all over his skin. Automatically, one hand raised to the middle of his chest and rested over his heart- feeling it beating quickly and powerfully. It was as if some of that energy from their race earlier was still inside of him... crackling around: restless.

* * *

** August 9 **

The days passed in a whirlwind of activity. With the Olympic swimming finals over at last, there were no more races to prepare for yet Haru still found himself consistently busy: endorsement meetings, sponsorship paperwork, autograph signings… there seemed to be an endless stream of busywork demanding his attention.

Ryuji ended up driving him around, doubling up as both his coach and manager. He was significantly more enthusiastic about it all-

“Did you see the looks those reporters were giving you on the way out of that building? _Hah!_ ” He remarked, in the car after the latest television interview.

“You shouldn’t joke about it,” Haru reprimanded.

“Ahhh, you're right. But let ‘em be mad for a bit. If they wanted to speak to you, they should have organized it properly.” When Haru didn’t respond- gazing out of the window- Ryuji reassured him, softly: “Look. I know you’re exhausted from all this attention. But you’ll get a day off soon. You'll have time to celebrate in your own way.”

...He didn’t feel in that kind of mood.

Ryuji continued, without his input: “And I’m telling you: when you look back on it all, it will seem like it passed in a heartbeat.”

“None of it feels real.” 

“ _I know!”_

He didn’t take the words in the way Haru had meant them, since he'd agreed excitably.

* * *

** August 11 **

Haru was taking a bath in his hotel en-suite that evening, when he was disturbed by Ryuji hammering on the door. He dressed and followed the man out to his car- only half listening to his complaints about being late to something. The translator they'd been hiring was already sitting in the backseat; her presence made Haru suspicious.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Check your phone. You should have an email about it,” Ryuji grumbled.

“There’s too many. I can’t keep track.” He frowned. “Tell me.”

“One of the Olympic sponsors organized a gala at a hotel. All of the swimmers who took part were invited.” 

“A press event?” Haru clarified skeptically.

“No. It's _social._ Didn’t the Japanese team mention it?”

Maybe... Haru had an email from them about that. With the flood of business and congratulatory ones, he truly was struggling to keep up. He’d spoken with the rest of his team days ago- there had been a debrief session where everyone had been excitable- but it had been short, and he’d been preoccupied since. New responsbilities kept piling up.

The car stopped outside of an extravagant hotel. The celebration seemed to be held across the entire lower floor, with crowds gathered in the lounges and a live band playing in the lobby. When Haru noticed the translator following him, he addressed Ryuji.

“You said this was social.”

It was coded for: _I don’t want this translator following me, tell her to leave me alone_.

“It is. Some of the international swimmers will want to meet you. So, I hired her out for the night.”

She beamed, from beside them- eager to assist. Haru didn’t think he could take any more stiff, professional conversations.

“I don’t need a translator.” Telling his coach was more respectful than asking her to leave directly- though ignoring her wasn’t politer by much.

Ryuji scowled. “Most people here will be gettin' a plane home tomorrow. You’re not gonna see this many high-ranking swimmers under the same roof again for years- make the most of it! You shouldn't attach yourself to the Japanese team when you can talk to them anytime!”

Haru ignored him, letting his eyes roam around until they settled on someone familiar. Rin was on the other side of the room. He was surrounded by others and had his back toward Haru, but there could be no mistaking his distinctive hair color. Ryuji followed his gaze- and exhaled.

“ _Not him, either!”_

“You said not the Japanese team,” Haru argued.

“I meant none of your friends! It defeats the point of coming here if you’re going to- hmnn...”

He appeared to be considering it. Hired translators could be professional to a fault: there had already been friction where one had translated Haru word for word after his civility had worn down with a reporter. Not to mention that Rin had gotten here earlier and seemed to be fitting in with the others: he probably looked like a good example compared to himself, who had been dragged here reluctantly, late and with wet hair. He never got reprimanded too harshly. Probably because of his results.

“Alright. Your way.” Ryuji conceded- evidently convinced.

* * *

“Hey, Matsuoka!”

A deep voice interrupted the conversation Rin was involved in and he turned to see Haru’s coach approaching him. Loud- and with Haru in tow- they drew the attention of everyone nearby, immediately.

“Congratulations on your wins.” Ryuji praised. “You’re impressive! You’ve got a lot of fight in you!”

“Oh. Thanks.” He was getting used to those type of compliments but still couldn’t help the surge of pride he got each time. He glanced behind the older man’s shoulder. “Hey, Haru.”

Haru’s gaze flicked off to one side in one of his usual, noncommittal responses.

“It’s busy, huh? There was a big turnout!” Ryuji made a bad effort at small talk before cutting to the chase- placing one hand down on Haru’s shoulder. “...How do you feel about keeping an eye on this guy tonight?”

“You want me to hang around with Haru? I don’t have an issue with that... but...” 

Rin glanced at Haru, to get his opinion: he didn’t look like he cared either way.

“Just... keep him here the whole night,” Ryuji suggested, tiredly. “It’ll be good for him.”

“...Sure.”

His own coach chose that moment to return from harassing some backstroke swimmers over their shoulder muscles- immediately locking on to his new victim.

“WELL, WELL, WELL.” From across the room, Mikhail stopped dead to bellow at Ryuji- “LOOK WHO IT IS.”

“Ah. It appears I must be leaving,” Ryuji murmured, moving to slip off. 

“NO, YOU DON’T.” Mikhail charged over and grabbed Ryuji in a headlock forceful enough to rattle around his brain. “WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY STUDENT, EH? DIDN’T I TELL YOU HE WAS GREAT?! I BET YOU WERE QUAKING RIGHT UP UNTIL THE LAST SECOND OF THE FINALS, WEREN’T YOU?!”

“HA. HA. _HA_.” Ryuji’s response sounded like it came out through clenched teeth. He elbowed the other man in the rib. “You seem to be forgetting how that race _turned- out_ -“

Rin watched them screaming at each other with narrowed eyes.

“They’re getting along.” Haru commented.

“What part of that looks like getting along to you..?” He turned his back on that scene, to face Haru directly. “So…" he perked up. "Where do you want to start? As long as it’s English, I can translate for you.”

“I don’t know anyone else outside of my team,” Haru admitted. 

“Well… there was some guy from America who wouldn’t stop asking about you. Actually, their whole team is-”

...Haru wasn’t listening to him. He was staring at a crowd several feet behind them, who kept unsubtly shooting glances in their direction- Rin turned toward them, to get a better view. They were speaking in English and when he concentrated, he could make out the bulk of their discussion:

_“...eriously, shouldn’t be allowed to enter that many. They should put a limit in place. It’s unfair.”_

_“I feel bad for anyone who went up against him…”_

_“I’m telling you, it’s completely rigged. You think it’s a coincidence this happened in his home country?"  
_

He wondered if Haru understood any of it. If the specific words didn’t translate, their non-verbal indicators appeared to register.

“They’re looking at me,” Haru mumbled- catching him staring.

“W-well... they would.” Rin faltered on his initial response, playing it off with a light tone. “You’re impressive. You broke records for every race you took part in, back there. I’d stare at you non-stop, too.”

Haru gave him a dry look, as if he wanted to say something smart but held it back.

“A-at any rate… you shouldn’t let it bother you. Just take it as a compliment.”

The group burst out laughing.

“Come on.” Rin insisted, raising his voice- “I’ll introduce you to my teammates. They’re friendly, so you’ll definitely like them.”

He had to pull Haru’s shoulder to make him look away when he wouldn't, showing him out to the gardens. Haru was mostly present as they socialised- giving his usual polite and direct responses- although his attention would drift after a while and Rin would notice him staring off into the distance.

The night wore on, and as the event drew to a close, they naturally ended up with the Japanese team. It had been a long several weeks for them both: the pressure and attention that each of them had faced had been unlike anything else they’d ever experienced. So... that was why... Rin was sure Haru was tired. Why he didn’t think into it too much, whilst Haru stood despondent as their friends exchanged praises and enthusiastically relived their races around him.

“I was holding my breath during your lap, Natsuya...” Ikuya teased, lightly. They were in the midst of discussing the Japanese relay-

“Honestly, honestly.” Natsuya heaved a sigh. “You say that as if you don’t have any faith in me. I had no doubts about my swimming at all. It comes effortlessly.”

“Hey! Bragging like that makes the rest of us feel bad!” Asahi balled up his fists. “I thought I was gonna die during my butterfly! It was getting dark! I was phasing out-“

When Haru tried to wordlessly slip off, Rin called out to him.

“Hey. Where are you going..?”

“I want a drink.” Haru answered: his tone unusually harsh. “I don’t have to explain that.”

It was a strange reaction. Everyone else seemed to think so, too: there was an uncomfortable pause.

Rin let him slip off. Haru wanted some time to himself... probably.

“The Australian relay was amazing too, Rin.” Ikuya said, softly- hooking a stray strand of hair around one of his ears. He'd picked up the conversation where it had left of- “Your butterfly was fearless. And everyone worked together well.”

“Oh...” he’d been watching Haru vanish, when something had surfaced in his mind. “Actually, I was wondering about the Japanese one. Your team were all great, too… but…”

“You’re wondering why Haruka didn’t participate?” Seijuro stared back at him: his face impassive.

“...Yeah.” Rin felt bad admitting that to them all directly, but... from a pragmatic perspective, it didn’t sit right. “Was there some worry about the practice sessions getting in the way of his individual races..?”

There was that odd silence again, from all of them. 

“Haru didn’t get selected," Ikuya answered, finally. "That’s all there is to it. But he had an amazing winning streak, so it worked out for him, anyway.” He smiled.

Haru hadn’t... been selected? Rin found that difficult to process. Given his speeds, supplementing him onto the team essentially guaranteed a decrease in their time; it was hard to imagine that any manager with a clear mind would disqualify him.

He recalled back to the previous year. He’d spent it in Australia and consequently not communicated with Haru that much, as they’d both been busy with their training and clashing schedules. Admittedly, Rin didn’t recall Haru ever telling him that he _was_ participating in the relay, but… he'd taken it for granted that Haru would. The alternative didn’t make any sense to him.

Minutes passed by, and since Haru hadn't returned, Rin exchanged goodbyes with the others and left in search of him. The guests had thinned down into sparse clusters, and the hotel staff had begun their cleaning duties. He found Haru in an otherwise vacant dining hall. A few remnants of the celebration remained: some decoration banners were still up, and a few stray balloons were scattered across the floor. Haru was sitting by a window though his gaze was focused downward, until the sound of Rin’s footsteps made him glance up.

“I’m gonna get back to my hotel,” Rin begun- unsure what else to say. “It’s dark out. You should think about leaving too, soon.”

“I will,” Haru replied shortly.

“Well… goodnight.” He was about to turn when inexplicably, Rin didn’t want to leave him. “...Let me drive you back.”

Haru blankly stared at him. “It’s fine.” 

“Just let me take you. I’d feel better if I did.”

He didn't know why he was being so insistent. Haru had been so quiet tonight, and closed off... Rin could tell he was exhausted. Yet- despite the fact that it was vague, and probably groundless- Rin still couldn’t shake the suspicion that something wasn’t right with him. He lingered amongst the balloons, with the muted bustle of the corridor filtering through.

“Come on.”

Haru remained guarded but didn’t argue further, pulling himself up and following him out.

* * *

** August 16 **

A shower of confetti streamers exploded before his eyes as Haru stepped through the threshold of the front door- Rin following in close behind. The colorful pieces fluttered as they cascaded downwards, revealing his friends: all looking excitable.

With a full day void of obligations, meeting up with Makoto, Nagisa and Rei again had been high on Haru’s list of priorities; Makoto appeared to have had anticipated that, since he’d been quick to gather everyone in his apartment. Rin had picked him up on the drive over: it was the first time all five of them would be together in a room like this in over a year. Everyone heaped praise on him and Rin, and chatted energetically with each other.

Despite how quickly the gathering had been arranged, the others had still managed to hang congratulatory banners and blow balloons. There was a cake on the low table in the living room covered in aqua-colored icing. Diced strawberries divided the surface into strips with chocolate blocks lined up at one end. 

“Do you like it, Haru-chan?!” Nagisa pressed.

“You made a pool,” Haru turned to him, smiling. “Its amazing.”

“What happened to your kitchen?” Rin asked Makoto, causing Haru to glance over and notice the carnage of stained countertops, dirty appliances and spilled ingredients-

“A-ah… that cake is actually the second one…” Makoto scratched an ear, awkwardly. “We wanted it to be ready by the time you both arrived… so unfortunately, we didn’t get a chance to clean up…”

“Mako-chan and I tried to make one by ourselves!” Nagisa revealed. “But we had to call Rei-chan to do it! Since we’d feel bad about serving you our one...”

“Indeed, so you should...” Rei sighed. “The first cake was… h-how to say this courteously? An abomination of all that could be considered beautiful…”

“Was it that bad?” Haru asked.

Makoto offered an embarrassed smile. “It stayed raw in the middle, but the outside burned... b-but! Once you scraped off all the black, I don’t think the top layer was _inedible_...”

“We did good with the icing! Didn’t we? Didn’t we?!”

The icing was over-whipped, but it tasted excellent. Without hearing how hard they’d worked, Haru could have been able to tell how much care and effort had been poured into the cake.

“Haru. I grilled some mackerel for you,” Makoto said brightly- then his face fell. “Oh... but it doesn’t go with the cake, does it..?”

“It’s fine,” he insisted, happily. “I can eat both.”

Rin shot him a narrow eyed look. “You are so weird...”

“Mind your own business,” he responded.

“So? Can we tell everyone?!” Nagisa slammed his hands down on the table. “Now that everyone’s here, I want to start planning it!”

“What?” Haru asked.

“Ta-dah!” Nagisa produced a spread of brochures- each boasting photographs of various exotic locations. “Everyone has been working hard this year! So, we wanted to organize a vacation together, as a reward!”

“That’s right,” Makoto added, warmly. “We didn’t know how soon you both needed to get back to training... so, we decided that it would be better to go around October. It might be colder but... a winter vacation can be nice.”

“Yeah,” Rin agreed. “That sounds fun. I can’t wait to hear about it.”

“Hmph,” Rei pushed up his glasses. “You’re invited, too-”

“Well…” Rin appeared uncomfortable momentarily. “Actually, I’m not gonna be in Japan for much longer. I already booked my flight back to Australia.”

“You’re going back?” Makoto questioned him, startled.

“ _W-when?!_ ” Nagisa wrapped himself around one of Rin’s arms and hung on, as if he’d fade away there and then.

“The end of this month. I have to do some promotional stuff to take care of with swimming... a lot of it is already been booked out. But I’m coming back in the new year.”

“Really?!” Nagisa insisted. 

“Yeah. So, you should tell me how your trip goes. I want to hear about it.”

“In that case, I’ll make sure to take the highest quality photographs in order to capture the true essence of the experience.” Rei stated, and Rin beamed at him before they started up their own conversation, punctuated by Nagisa's interjections.

“What do you think, Haru?” Makoto prompted, meanwhile. He pulled a colored strand of confetti from where it had caught in Haru’s fringe- his green eyes crinkling as he smiled. “We didn’t decide on a location, yet. Is there anywhere you’d like to see?”

“Anywhere’s okay,” Haru responded, softly.

He’d missed being with everyone, and loved them all so much that at times like this, it felt like his heart was full to burst. But that happiness and sense of belonging that came from being with the people who he cared about... was slipping away from him, faster than it could be replenished. It was as if he were somehow getting used to their kindness, and coming to feel nothing about it.

He continued to smile amongst everyone.

* * *

** August 21 **

“What are you doing?” Ryuji asked, incredulous.

“You’re supposed to be on a lunch break.” Mikhail pinched the bridge of his nose.

They’d both booked out a training pool and spent the morning with their two students, conducting a de-brief. The session enabled them to provide professional feedback about their performances at the Olympics, check that they were managing the aftermath of their races well and ensure they knew their next steps for training.

For the most part, those two had taken the session seriously, although they couldn’t so much as look at each other without it devolving into a back and forth about their freestyle final: squabbling about things such as endurance and the replicability of the results. Ryuji had stepped out with Mikhail to get coffee for lunch, only to return to them both racing each other with no signs of stopping. A lifeguard they’d roped into timekeeping hovered nervously by a whiteboard with two stopwatches and a pen.

“I won three.” Rin pushed his hair back from his eyes, looked immensely pleased with himself- and on the verge of collapsing.

“It was out of five…” Haru murmured; breathing heavily. “That many times… isn’t enough prove anything-”

“See? Haru’s sore about it.”

“I’m _not_ -“

“Both of you! _Out_ , before you hurt yourselves!” Mikhail had to shout and point before they dragged themselves from the pool, stalking away into the showers.

Ryuji shook his head. “Damn, what are they both doing... it’s like watching two kids bang their heads against a wall...”

He wandered over to the whiteboard, observing the scores under their names. As stated, they’d managed to race each other five times- both getting progressively slower with each race. Ryuji stared at their first set of scores. 

“Huh. Look at this,” he folded his arms.

Mikhail came over to look too. “Huh.”

* * *

“It doesn’t count,” Haru insisted.

They were still bickering over their results, in the shower-

“We could race each other ten times and the results would be the same… that what you said before, right?” There were waves of ego coming off Rin.

“It doesn’t prove you’re faster,” Haru argued. “It just shows you don’t get tired as easily. You did one of the 800m races, so everyone knew that already. It doesn’t change the fact that I have the advantage in speed.”

“Fine. I’ll admit that you’re faster,” Rin turned toward him, with a smirk. “...If you admit that what you said before about being able to beat me ten times over was total crap.”

“When I said that, I didn’t mean back to back,” he closed his eyes. “So… it was true-”

“You _liar!_ You didn’t specify that at all!”

“If you want to beat me, you have to do it in four years," Haru informed him. "Then it will be official.”

A silence followed, broken by only the pattering of the shower water.

That was weird. Haru was waiting for Rin to bite back with one of his usual, heated responses, like: _next time, you won’t stand a chance..._ or: _I’ll make you regret those words._ It didn't come, though.

“That was stupid, right?” Rin laughed, low. “My arms hurt… it’s gonna take about a week of rest to fix this...”

“It was fun," Haru answered. "So, it was worth it.”

“Yeah.”

Rin got out ahead of him.

* * *

** August 25 **

Although Haru’s workload remained steady toward the end of August, he typically found himself with more free time in the evenings; after a full day of promotional work, he decided to go for a run.

It was 8pm. The sun was warm on his cheeks yet the occasional breeze felt gentle as it stirred strands of his hair. He felt like taking a longer route, tonight; he wondered if Rin was free. Since he was going back to Australia at the end of the month, it felt like a good excuse to spend time together. Their hotels were closeby- in proximity to the Olympic venue- so Haru went directly over and knocked on his room door. It opened up shortly after, with a click.

“You didn’t take long to get back into exercise...” Rin muttered, by way of greeting. He was wearing sweatpants and an over-washed t-shirt. His hair wouldn’t stay out of his face, suggesting it hadn’t been long since he’d showered- all signs that he was planning on winding down for the evening. Haru chose to ignore them. 

“Come out with me.” 

Rin reclined back against the doorframe. “We’re supposed to be resting.”

He hadn’t outright declined, which meant there was room to persuade him-

“This isn’t intensive," Haru insisted. "It’s fine.”

“You're really enthused about your training, aren’t you..?” There was a fond note to the words. Rin sighed- but it was more put on than exasperated. “Fine. I’ll go with you. Wait a second.”

He closed the door, reappearing a minute later in track gear and they took off.

During his time in Tokyo, Haru had familiarised himself with the best routes for running, far from the bustle of the city. About two kilometres from their location, there was a dirt trail which ran parallel to an industrial estate: separated by a river. The long stretch of flat ground made it ideal for running and the less-than-scenic location meant that during the evenings it was mostly solitary, save for a few other joggers or the occasional worker breezing by on a bicycle. Haru remained slow on land but Rin adjusted to his pace easily and they ran for an hour steady- talking whenever they slowed down.

On the way back, they stopped to take a drink on the riverbank. The artificial floodlights from the pedestrian route had long-since faded into the distance: there was only the natural light of the evening around them, bathing their surroundings in warm oranges and reds. The sunset skyline was broken up by commercial towers and the tall, jagged shapes of the cranes and silos which jutted out against it. The breeze had begun picking up- becoming cooler. Summer was nearing its end.

“Hey, Haru... what do you think about going back to school again?” Rin asked him, from nowhere.

“It would get in the way of training.”

“Yeah... you’re right.” 

The subject hadn’t been close to Haru’s mind. He’d completed a degree earlier in the year as part of his athletic training, but continued to receive access to the facility and resources at his university since they’d decided to sponsor him afterwards. There was really no point in further schooling.

“And I couldn’t.” At Rin’s curious glance, he elaborated: “I already forgot everything from high school. I wouldn’t pass the entrance exams.”

“High school was barely over three years ago," Rin rolled his eyes. "That’s impossible.”

“It’s true," he insisted. “Ask me a question that they'd put in a test. And... I won’t be able to answer it.”

“Don’t double down on that like you’re proud..!” Rin laughed, pulling his legs in close to his upper body and wrapping his arms around them. When he spoke again, his voice had gone soft. “You know, I was pretty good in high school. When we took exams, I always made the top 10 in my class. And when I graduated, I had a 97% grade average.” He looked to Haru, slyly. “What was yours?”

“That’s confidential. And don’t show off.”

“I wasn’t!”

They let the silence sit for a while, interrupted by only the clicking of beetles.

“Non-subjective things are easy for me to understand,” Rin mumbled. “Like calculations. As long as you know how to read the formula, understand the concepts and don’t make a mistake, you’ll definitely get a right answer. Even though it might seem irrational… you’ll know it's right, because you’ll keep getting the same result. No matter how many times you make yourself go over it…”

Haru stared at him. Rin was rambling about something strange- he didn’t know what the point was. 

“So?” He asked, cautiously.

“So... can we go back through the park? There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

There was a public park between their hotels; they crossed the grass to reach a spot overlooking a lake, out of the way of the pedestrian path. Rin stood opposite him: his hands thrust into his zip-ups pockets.

“I’m not swimming again,” he said, coldly. “This month was the last time that I did it competitively.”

Time froze over: Haru couldn't process those words. He didn't _want_ to process them.

“...Why?”

“There’s... a lot of reasons.” Rin shrugged. “This isn’t a decision I took lightly.”

He offered a smile, and it took all of Haru’s resolve not to turn away from him. It would be better if Rin were angry right now, or crying- better if he were doing _anything_ other than behaving as though these were rational things to say, because they _weren't._

They were ridiculous.

“It’s my fault,” he said.

Rin was at once taken aback. “W-what?! _No!_ This doesn’t have anything to do with you…”

He frowned- as if Haru were the one acting strangely- and Haru lapsed back into quietude. Rin filled the silence by elaborating: 

“This past month has been amazing for me: I really mean it when I say that I've been so happy, Haru. But the truth is... that kind of lifestyle was hard on me, in a lot of ways. I trained so much that even on holidays, I didn’t get to see my family. I didn’t go out with my friends then when I finally got to speak to them, it felt like everyone had moved on. And I was fine with that, because I was chasing after my own goals. But… I really do feel satisfied with the way things turned out this year. I got to bring some medals back for my mom. I swum on the international stage and I held my own against you, too. I'm grateful for all of those things. And I love swimming,” His expression changed to a frown. “That’s why... I don’t want the hardships of it to outstrip the joy I’ve felt, or get in the way of all the memories. And... when I think about the idea of spending another four years training-“

“I get it.” Haru didn’t want to hear anymore. Rin looked hurt, and put-off, but continued:

“...Right. So that’s why I'm investing the money I earned into tuition- I’m gonna study economics. I submitted an application for a university in Tokyo; the entrance exams take place in January. So, I think this might be the next step for me. And I’m excited about it.”

He glowed, clearly waiting for a response, but Haru didn’t have anything to say to him. His feelings against the decision were too strong for him to be capable of feigning support, so there was nothing he could contribute that wouldn't upset Rin.

The training was hard work but he'd always thought Rin had thrived at it, and he'd been successful up to this point. _Very_ successful- the fact he’d thrown so much of his life into professional swimming only to quit now felt like a waste. Normally, that wouldn’t be any of Haru’s concern except somehow it felt personal. He felt betrayed. Angry, upset: like he didn’t understand him. Like he'd been pushed onto this path and left on it, alone.

“That’s not it.” Rin kept going. “There’s... something else that I need to say to you, as well.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Haru replied, flatly. He turned to get away, when Rin grabbed his arm-

“ _No_. You have to listen to this.” There was fire in his eyes, though the hand gripping him tremored- “Haru... please. It's important. If I don’t say it now, then... I don’t know that I’ll get another chance.”

He pulled his arm free and turned back, reluctantly. Rin cast his gaze toward the darkened grass.

“I, um...” his voice went dry; he begun muttering to himself. “Ah. This is impossible...”

“ _What_?”

“I-I’ll get to it…” Rin scowled. “I’ll get to it, so give me a second! T-this is difficult…”

This was going to be painful, too- Haru could sense it. Feeling as if he had no other choice than to wait, he gazed off unhappily over the lake. Somewhere out of sight, a bird was cawing. They both listened to it, and when the sound faded away, Rin exhaled.

“Haru, this is gonna sound... weird,” he begun. “It’s weird for me, too but please listen all the way to the end. I told you just now, didn’t I? That I’ve been thinking about my future. What I want to do with my career, where I want to go, a-and... the people... who I want to... be around...”

He was trying to speak quickly but his voice kept faltering and giving out.

“I really do admire you. Ever since we met, I’ve always felt that way. Swimming together feels amazing for me. But outside of that, I like being around you. I like... you. _Really_ like you. In a way that’s different from all of our friends. S-so… you know.... what I mean by that... right?”

The flush on his cheeks was getting darker by the second until it burned scarlet. Haru didn’t understand, not at once, because everything was still upside-down from the last thing Rin had said. Then his brain processed the whole sum of those individual words, bestowing meaning onto them.

“Oh...” He answered- then frowned.

The reaction hurt Rin: he didn’t give any obvious, outward signs but Haru could tell that in that single, split second, he’d caused Rin unbearable pain. He hadn't meant it. He was startled, and unprepared to respond. Rin was serious: his demeanour was far too distanced from his usual self for this to be a joke. Haru ignored the discomfort blossoming in his chest, and tried to focus on being considerate to avoid hurting him more.

“I’m not… thinking about things like that,” he tried slowly- warily. “So-”

Rin shook his head. “No, it’s okay," he insisted. "You don’t have to explain yourself: it’s fine. I wanted to… u-um…”

He couldn’t finish. His nails were digging into one of his forearms and he was biting his lower lip. Haru felt increasingly uncomfortable. He didn’t know what he could do. He didn’t know what he _should_ do.

“...Sorry.” It was all he could think of.

“N-no… I’m the one who should be saying that. I didn’t mean to push this on you. I just t-thought that…” he trailed off. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

There was silence.

“It’s late,” Rin couldn’t meet his eyes. “I’ll talk to you... later. Goodnight, Haru.”

Like that, he went off alone. Haru remained still, pushing through the surreal confusion he felt: struggling to re-establish his bearings.

When had it gotten dark..? He made his way back slowly, feeling a heightened sense of unreality with each step. After closing the door to his hotel room behind him, he crawled onto the bed.

He felt discomforted. More than that, he felt as if he couldn’t fully process what he’d experienced: he’d never expected to hear those kind of things from Rin. He’d always assumed Rin was like him: that he was single-mindedly focused on his swimming and spending time with his friends, so considered intimate relationships either too far off in the future or too little of a priority to give any deep consideration. But... Rin had been experiencing those feelings, already. And... they were focused on him.

Haru tried to work out if that was something he should have noticed on his own. Up until the previous two months, Rin had been in Australia so due the distance and demands of athletic training, they two of them had communicated exclusively using cell phones... nothing had seemed out of the ordinary. After Rin had returned to Japan... there were no instances which stood out in Haru’s memory. Rin was flirtatious sometimes and liked to show off, but he could get like that with everyone; not to mention that if you called his bluff for long enough, he’d usually crumble to pieces- getting loud or embarrassed- so, that behaviour had always seemed more for show than rooted in anything genuine. Did Haru really not understand at all..?

He loved Rin- he knew that unquestionably- but it was in the same way he loved all of his friends: he didn’t view them romantically. During high school, when other students had started dating- slipping love letters into each other’s shoe lockers- Haru had felt no desire to get involved in those things and those feelings hadn’t changed as he’d grown older. That type of relationship wasn't a priority to him, and neither was it something he had the time or interest to foster. He didn’t know what that meant for his relationship with Rin.

A thought occurred to him, and he frowned. Rin had hugged him after their freestyle final. Had he been thinking about those things, then..? ...He supposed it didn’t matter.

From the bedside table, his cell phone vibrated with a message notification, from Rin:

_-I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said any of that. I want to forget about it, so I’d be happy if you could, too._

Another one came through, a minute later: 

_-I’m sorry._

He was definitely crying. And he’d been hurt badly back there- Haru let his phone fall down the side of the mattress as he curled his body into an arc. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Rin. He’d never wanted that. He pulled the covers up over his head, to block out sounds that were coming from inside of it, and pushed his unhappiness as far down inside of him as it would go. He didn’t want to think about anything: he wanted to vanish.


	2. February – May, 2021

** February 19 **

Rin spent September to the end of December of 2020 in Australia. As well as promotional work and getting his affairs in order, he went on some trips with friends, spent time with his foster family, and... officially resigned from the swim team.

He came back to Japan to celebrate the new year at his family home. He took university entrance exams and passed the interview without incident. He turned 22. His Mom and sister definitely seemed pleased to have him around and for several days it was exciting for him, too, before he started to feel weird about having time to himself, and strangely purposeless.

* * *

** February 21 **

He took the train to Tokyo and caught up with Sousuke at a local pool. Rin sat over an edge with his legs in the water, hitting the button on the stopwatch as Sousuke returned from his most recent lap.

“Woah. Not bad. You picked up since the last time.” Rin flashed the screen at him.

“Yup. My times are getting reliable. Maybe another year then I’ll enter the prefecture preliminaries.”

“That’s amateur stuff. You’ll beat those easily.”

“True. Still, I’m not ready to go all out yet.” He ran a hand through his short, dark hair. “Last week, I broke my own record for 200m.”

“Seriously?! You didn’t tell me..!”

“Because you wouldn’t stop asking about it if I did. If you want to know, we have to race. That way, you’ll find out for yourself.”

“That’s underhanded... you know I’m already past my peak!”

“That soon, huh?”

“Shut up. Go swim.”

“Yes, captain.”

“Hey! Quit making fun of me! Or I’ll grade your performance for real.”

Sousuke rested his arms up over the side of the pool, raising one eyebrow with a smile. “Go for it. What did you think of this morning? Give me your professional assessment.”

“D-,” Rin decided, in dramatic fashion- “Your attitude is disrespectful. But I’ve got faith in your potential. It’s not too late to turn things around!”

It was over the top, but it made him laugh. Sousuke pulled himself up to sit beside him and they looked out at the aqua stretch of water together.

“Too bad,” Sousuke said- low and serious. “I really did want to swim with you.”

“I know.” Rin frowned at the surface of the pool. “I’m sorry. I wanted to hold out some more. But…”

“You made the choice right for yourself. Don’t apologise. It must have been hard on you.”

“Yeah. For a long time, I wasn’t sure. I went ahead with the university application before I could have any more doubts, but...I’m definitely not decided one hundred per cent. Either way, I’d be conflicted.”

The topic created a heavy mood; he attempted to shift it with a light sigh.

“When it comes to selection for anything representing Japan, they'll measure you up against Haru,” he turned toward Sousuke, emphatically. “You’re defiantly gonna need all of your strength and skills for that. But I know you can swim at that level. So, I’m excited to see how that will turn out.”

He smiled- expecting one in return- but Sousuke looked back at him levelly.

“He’s always on your mind, isn’t he?” He asked.

“I…”

His instinct was to deny that stubbornly or play it off. _Of course he is._ _He kicked my ass last year on TV. I’m still getting over it_... he could say something nonchalant like that, but... he didn’t know if Sousuke would buy it.

“Hey,” he changed the subject again instead, to one more optimistic- “I got paid recently, so I’ll cover the tab. Feel like coming out drinking tonight? I want a co-pilot.” He twirled the stopwatch between his fingers then snatched it up. “Are you in?”

“Obviously. But did something happen?”

“Not really. I just need this.”

“Got it. I’ll show you a good place.” Sousuke smiled and didn’t question him, which was perfect. Rin grinned back, sliding down into the water.

* * *

** March 27 **

He was doing his best to forget, but returning to Japan made it difficult. At times like now, where he was alone in his bedroom, his thoughts kept unwittingly wandering over last August.

Rin had confessed to Haru that he had deeper feelings for him: something he’d been struggling with alone for some time. He’d always admired and cared about Haru but an attraction had been building alongside that, until at some point, Rin had became aware that his feelings had changed and was unable to revert them. 

Getting to the point where he could stand opposite Haru and be honest had been a long, difficult process. First, Rin had needed to recognise that those feelings existed, distinct from their friendship, which had taken time- accepting them for what they were had been another battle. Finally, when he got past all of that… working up the resolve to anything about it had felt insanely daunting. Each time he’d gotten close, he’d never been able to follow through, and it was only when the frustration had started to drive him half-crazy that he’d finally made up his mind to get it over with. After the Olympic races were over- when it wouldn’t be a distraction for either of them- he’d resolved to say it, for good.

So, he’d said it. Not in the confident way he’d imagined, but… he'd gotten it out, nonetheless. Haru hadn’t responded right away, which on its own had been his answer, then when he had offered a reply, it hadn’t been the kind Rin had longed for. In retrospect of that, he was relieved he hadn’t been able to say most of the things he’d wanted to.

He told himself he didn’t regret it and on a personal level, that was true. It was freeing to get it out, but it had cost their friendship as a consequence. The others had bought Haru up in conversation from time to time- Rin had heard he’d moved out of his student apartment into a bigger one, and training was going well- but, discounting the card Haru had sent him for his birthday, the two of them hadn’t spoken since. Admittedly, Rin hadn’t reached out to him either, but... he was unable to consider it without becoming uncomfortable.

Was this a dead end..? He didn’t want that. But where could they go from here? Back wasn’t an option. And forward... he wasn’t sure he had a place in Haru’s life, anymore.

It had been over half a year since he’d heard Haru’s voice and he couldn’t stop wondering what he was up to. He was sure Haru was the same as usual. Going on to make incredible progress with his swimming, having fun with his friends... he’d probably broken his own records already in practice.

Rin frowned. Despite knowing the most likely outcome... part of him had sincerely believed there was a chance his feelings might be reciprocated. That Haru felt the same way about him- or was close enough to the brink that he’d be open minded and would receive those words warmly. Instead, Haru had looked blank, like he’d never seen it as a possibility.

Rin exhaled, then stretched: he needed something to fill his day and make him motivated. Standing, he gathered up his textbooks and dropped them onto his desk. He might as well get a head start on study material. 

* * *

** April 13 **

At the start of April, Rin moved out of his moms and into a dorm. The first term of university started up; he got on well with everyone, traded emails and slotted into study groups. His classwork was heavy, but straightforward enough when he kept up with it. He signed up to help run the evening cram sessions and got a job part time at a translation company. He considered joining one of the university vocational clubs like a sports team, but in the end, opted to leave his time open for the gym. He’d gotten used to being at a high standard of fitness and still wanted to maintain his physical appearance and stamina: finding relaxation and familiarity in exercise.

Slotting into life without athletic training took some mental adjustment. It felt strange to not always stumble into his accommodation with every muscle in his body burning from ache. Strange having pockets of time free, that he would have otherwise spent with his phone balanced between his shoulder and his ear, hurriedly multitasking conversations between shoving clean towels and swim gear into his bag. Now, he could pass the evenings slowly and go out to meet the people he wanted to talk with; time for movies, lunch with friends and introspection.

So strange.

* * *

** April 25 **

He was laying around on his dorm bed, flicking through a sports magazine when his cell phone rang.

“Hey, Makoto. What’s up?”

“Oh, hello. I’m okay... how are your studies going?”

It didn’t take much small talk before he got to the point.

“Actually, I have a favour to ask. It’s for Haru.” 

Deep down, Rin must have anticipated that from the moment he’d seen the Makoto’s name light up his phone screen. His guts still knotted up, unplesantly.

“...He can’t ask me himself?”

He knew the way things were between them, still... Haru should ask for a favour directly. That was good manners.

“Umn... no. I don’t think he would...”

_Oh._

“So, what is it?”

“Haru’s taking part in a swimming documentary. He’s flying abroad next week for production.”

“That’s great.”

“Yes.” Makoto sounded happy. “He signed a contract to take part last year, so they’re counting on him to attend. But... he doesn’t want to leave his pet. And I’m worried that if he doesn’t find someone to step in, he’ll cancel...”

Rin couldn’t tell if that made Haru responsible, or irresponsible- he rolled his eyes.

“Nagisa and Rei are in different prefectures...” Makoto continued. “So, it’s difficult finding someone who can make regular trips. But his place is close to mine, and you started up university nearby, didn’t you? So... do you think you could take care of it whilst he’s away?”

Rin was roughly an hour from Makoto in good traffic; not exactly ‘nearby’. He didn’t answer at once.

“Can’t you do it yourself?”

“Actually, Haru asked me, already... but, I don’t think I can manage it.”

He sighed, rubbing one temple. “What kind of pet is it?”

“Um... a fish.”

“He’s seriously risking a huge career move like that over—” Rin cut that short, before he had an aneurism. “Tell him to buy a dispenser!”

“Ahaha... I wonder if those exist, for his type..?”

...He was kind of intrigued. Rin stopped, before he could get pulled in. “Sorry. You have to ask someone else.”

“A-ah! Please, wait-“

He hung up, dropping back against his pillow and clicking his tongue. 

For anyone else, it wouldn’t be a problem... but... talking to Haru now would be awkward… and painful. Plus, he couldn’t imagine Haru wanted him in his apartment. And if Haru did want help, the request should come from him: it wasn’t Rin’s place to show up after all this time and put himself forward.

It pissed him off to think Haru would miss an opportunity like that, when attending something he signed a contract for shouldn’t be up for debate.

Seriously, he’d already said no. So, why was he still annoyed about it..?

He’d talked himself out of doing it—not that he’d needed to justify himself to begin with. It was Haru’s problem and Rin had his own things to focus on. Work, studying, friends... he didn’t need another responsibility on top of that.

Breathing out long, he reached for his cell phone: hating all three of them.

* * *

** May 1 **

“How are your classes?” Haru asked.

They’d met up at a café. Rin was staring straight out of the window, whilst Haru looked at the surface of the table. Each could only meet the other’s face for a fraction of a second, before they would glance off at something- anything- else.

“They’re fine. Everything’s… fine.”

_This is difficult. I can’t look at him without getting embarrassed..._

Their interaction so far had been awkward and stilted: Rin bit back his sigh. He’d known sliding back to normal wasn’t going to be possible, still... this heaviness was rough. There were a lot of things Rin could have asked to make conversation, but... it wasn’t the right mood. That was probably why Haru broached the subject directly.

“So, it’s still okay..?”

“Yeah. You just need someone to look after your fish, right?”

They’d discussed it over an equally as stiff phone conversation during the previous week. Haru had a marine fish which needed feeding and the tank it inhabited required various bits of essential daily maintenance. His apartment had a second, vacant bedroom so Rin was going to stay over, since he only needed to be at the university three times a week and it was more convenient to make those trips down from Haru’s place, rather than to travel up and back every day from his dorm. It had only occurred to him after he’d agreed: was it weird to sleep in Haru’s apartment? Haru had suggested it, but...

“How much should I pay you?” Haru asked.

“It’s fine. You can owe me something in the future.”

Haru nodded. Rin wondered if that had sounded loaded, then decided he didn’t care: he just wanted to get this over with. Every moment, sitting opposite him… bought everything back.

He drove them to the addressee Haru had given him. For the duration of the drive, Haru was quiet- Rin similarly didn’t speak.

They pulled up at a detached, rectangular shaped complex with multiple storeys, each consisting of rows of identical-looking apartments connected by walkways. The metallic sounds of their footsteps echoed on the industrial staircase, as Rin followed him along to the right door. He spoke as they went- attempting to abate his discomfort.

“So... you got a fish. I’m surprised this is the first I’m hearing about it.”

They hadn’t spoken since August. Still.

“There wasn’t time to bring it up,” Haru responded.

“I guess. It seems like the kind of thing you’d mention.” Unsure where to go from there, he asked: “How did Makoto get out of this, anyway?”

“He’s not comfortable doing it.”

“Not comfortable? Why? I thought he used to keep goldfish.”

“I told him that,” Haru replied vaguely, inserting his key into the door and turning it. “But he gets nervous. I think he finds mine creepy.”

“Creepy?” Rin laughed- relaxing a little. “Oh, come on... what kind of word is that to describe-“ The door swung open, and he stopped, midsentence. “Haru, what is that?” He asked, quietly. 

The interior consisted of an open-concept kitchen joined to a living area which would have been a comfortable size... if it wasn’t completely dominated by a fish tank. It was enormous: resembling something that belonged in a high-end pet store, or a celebrity mansion. Situated against the immediate wall, there was barely enough room for someone to pass by, with a western-styled sofa and low table squished in vertically. The tank was illuminated by its own lights: glowing blue against the darkness of the apartment. The inside was mostly taken up by vivid aquascaping and a large, castle-like rock structure.

There was something alive in there. A shape, moving behind the glass. As if on cue, it had emerged from a hole in the crag and begun swimming around near the top. It was short, but long and thick- colored in sand and rust- rippling like a strip of ribbon, with small, bulging eyes: its body larger near the head. Haru went over, immediately removed part of the aquarium lid by lifting then sliding it to one side, before he begun lightly petting the creatures curved forehead with one hand.

Rin watched, in disbelief. Shock dulled usual reactions, so he couldn’t blink- he stared. Then his adrenaline response kicked in. 

“Haru, get away from there,” he breathed, when he finally understood what he was looking at.

“It’s fine,” Haru replied, contentedly. “He’s good.”

Haru pushed his hand underwater and the shape twisted itself around him, exposing its lighter underside. When its head brushed past Haru’s wrist, Rin saw the creatures open mouth wide, displaying its jagged, needle-like teeth; he drew in a breath harshly.

In a sudden movement, the creature darted back into its crag: vanishing from sight.

“Oh... Rin scared him.” Haru said: perfectly even-tempered. He slotted the lid back into place and turned the lights off for the tank.

“ _I_ scared _it_ ,” Rin muttered, disbelievingly. Now that the shock was draining out, he could feel himself becoming agitated. “Haru, that was a moray eel, wasn’t it? What the hell are you doing putting your hand in there?! Don’t those things have two sets of jaws?!”

“He only uses his back ones to eat food. And he wouldn’t hurt me,” he insisted. 

Rin somehow managed to keep the incredulity from his tone. “If that thing bites you, you’re in trouble! You shouldn’t be petting and stroking it like a dog-”

“Those bite too,” Haru countered, and when Rin opened his mouth to snap back, he insisted: “If I don’t greet him, he stays at the top waiting. So... I have to.”

“No, you don’t! Just ignore it!”

Haru passed into the kitchen, not listening, and begun cleaning his hands in the sink. Rin followed him through.

“Where did you get that thing, anyway..?”

“Stop calling him a thing,”

“Fine. What’s its name?”

“I didn’t think of one.” Haru admitted.

“Shoelace.”

“No.”

“Spaghetti.”

“You should at least choose the names of Asian noodles,” Haru answered, turning to face him. “Not Australian ones.”

“You’re joking, right? I’m not taking that obvious bait.” Rin folded his arms. “Besides. The first one wasn’t even a noodle! -ahh...”

“...You took it.”

“Well, there were so many things wrong with what you said, I couldn’t help it.” He actually forgot what they were talking about so had to rewind mentally. “What are you doing with that, Haru?”

His tone had softened but it didn’t elicit an answer. Haru continued to meet his eyes: impassive.

“Are you going to help or not?” He asked bluntly.

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” Rin scowled. “If I said I'd help you out, I’ll do it. I just... don’t get it, is all.”

“You don’t have to get it,” Haru muttered back.

He was starting to sound testy: it was difficult to tell if that was because of the earlier tension coming out, or if he’d taken it personally that Rin had been insulting his pet- either way, pressing further wouldn’t do any good. Rin exhaled.

“Okay. Fine. What do I have to do?”

“I did everything for today,” Haru begun to explain to him, in a diligent tone- “So, you don’t have to do anything until tomorrow evening. It’s dangerous for someone else to hand feed him, so you have to use special chopsticks and be careful. Only open the lid a little. And if he comes up near the top, close it quickly. But there’s a net in the cupboard under the tank if he gets out.”

“That is terrifying,” Rin mumbled.

Haru only looked unimpressed with him.

“I wrote everything on a note in the kitchen. But, you can mail me.”

“R-right... I’ll take a look. Have a safe flight.”

“Yeah. See you next week.”

The way he glanced at the aquarium momentarily made Rin feel as if that wasn’t wholly directed at him; Haru already had a bag packed near the doorway, ready to leave for the airport.

It was weird, to see him out of his own apartment. When the door closed, Rin had the urge to pinch himself, to check all that had been real. 

It was sneaky, that both Haru and Makoto had intentionally avoided telling him what he was in for. Up to now, he’d really believed that he’d come here to look after something harmless, like angelfish... although, in hindsight, he didn’t know why he’d expected any different. If he stumbled into the wetroom and found a manta ray floating in the tub, that probably wouldn’t surprise him, either. 

Still. Knowing Haru’s tastes, this was... something. How long had he owned it..? Between last September and now? Or before? It was clear that effort had gone into the setup. That tank looked like a substantial investment- not the kind anyone should take lightly- and there was undoubtedly some kind of learning curve to managing it, too.

Then there was the matter of the monster inhabiting it. It was by no means an attractive or normal pet, so Rin struggled to see what endeared Haru to it. He’d always had an interest in odd things, but there was a border between less-conventional pets and ones which were flatly unsensible; Rin didn’t know much about those type of eels, other than the general knowledge that they were aggressive, temperamental and you didn’t mess around with them. Intentionally or not, it could badly hurt him. At the very least, it was sinister. When it wasn’t drifting in loops like it had been for Haru, it was silent, and so well hidden you wouldn’t know it was in there.

_Makoto had it right... that things creepy. It’s gonna give me nightmares..._

He took his bag through to the spare room, showered and changed into sleepwear. Haru had made up the bed for him: it was comfortable and despite everything Rin found himself drifting off.

He fell asleep, thinking that he no longer knew what was normal and what was strange. 

* * *

** May 2 **

The next evening, Rin set about feeding that eel. Unlike when Haru had come in through the door, it didn’t dart out. He observed the tank, trying to spot it through one of the holes in that rock.

Haru had left a spare key and instructions on a kitchen counter. The note had ‘thank-you’ written on the bottom, along with an admittedly cute drawing of the eel’s head. He’d neatly written a schedule for what to do, as well as where to find pieces of equipment and what their various readings should be.

_...Use the hydrometer to test the water... check the protein skimmer canister... inspect of all the heating, filtration and lighting cords... replace water lost from evaporation if it gets below the level marked on the side... make sure the tape around the pump doesn’t come loose... turn the lights off at night and back on in the morning...  
_

He was surprised Haru did these type of things every day.

There was a container of cut up fish in the freezer that he defrosted according to instruction. The feeding chopsticks were larger than dining ones, so he could offer food in without getting close, as long as that eel didn’t make a move out from... wherever it was.

Rin spent over five minutes dangling the food in before dropping it near a hole. The eel didn’t come out to get it. He felt inexplicably annoyed that it wasn’t cooperating.

_Oh, come on... how does it know who’s feeding it? And its food, so what does it matter?_

_Is it sleeping?_

_What an irritating fish..._

Maybe it would eat off the substrate later.

* * *

** May 3 **

That eel still hadn’t eaten its food the next morning. The piece lay on the bottom, covered in microorganisms- one of the cleaner shrimps had taken an interest and perched on top.

Rin met up with Sousuke for lunch. He explained the situation to him and complained, as they ate.

“...It won’t eat. In the end, I dropped the food into the bottom. But when I woke up this morning, it was still there...”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” Sousuke replied confidently. “They can survive for months without eating. Especially if he’s been feeding it every day so far.”

“Wait... you know about those?”

“Yup. I go with dad sometimes to pick them up for the restaurant.”

“Oh... right.”

It was easy to forget that fish was a menu item.

Rin slumped in his chair. Haru had mailed him:

_-How is he?_

It was annoying the only thing he’d asked about was that eel.

He didn’t want to tell Haru it wasn’t eating. Since Haru largely did what he felt like, he might just get a plane home if he got worried. Rin hoped he knew better- he’d signed a contract, after all- but he still wouldn’t put it past Haru. 

_-He’s fine._

He sent a simple reply before slipping his phone away.

“What type is it?” Sousuke asked, after swallowing a mouthful. 

“I only got a glimpse, but I think it’s a kidako.” Rin frowned. “I wouldn’t admit it to Haru, but...”

“You ate some of that kind before?”

“Yeah...”

“Probably. Its good smoked.” He shrugged. “It’s white meat. You prepare those a lot of ways.” When Rin didn’t answer, brooding, Sousuke added: “I’d leave it alone, Rin. They’re aggressive when they’re startled. And the less you open the tank, the better. Leave it open a crack and you’ll wake up with him on the floorboards.”

“Ugh...”

He got the feeling this meant a lot to Haru. What if he messed up, or it just died on its own? It felt like a lot of pressure.

He returned that evening, throwing a glance at the tank. It wasn’t swimming around tonight, either. There was no way it could have gotten out but the fact Rin could never see it made him slightly paranoid.

“Hey. Come get it.”

He felt stupid talking as he offered up food, but had thought maybe it responded to Haru’s voice before. Rin didn’t have the same calm tone as Haru, but even with no one else in the room, he wasn’t lowering himself to cajoling it.

His attempt lasted only a minute this time before he dropped the food onto the bottom. He wasn’t comfortable with the lid open for long periods; that eel might get a taste of freedom and try to leap out. He glowered at the glass, muttering under his breath. 

“Once Haru comes back, he can deal with you again. So, you’d better stay in there. Don’t you dare try anything funny...”

That eel didn’t give any indication it had heard Rin, or cared he was there.

He pushed his hands atop the lid, ensuring it was secure.

_Five more days of this._

* * *

** May 6 **

There was a knock at the apartment door: Rin opened it up.

“Rin-chan!” Nagisa exclaimed happily, upon seeing him.

“Hello.” Rei greeted beside him.

“Oh. Hey.” He wasn’t expecting anyone, so seeing those two caught him mildly off-guard: “If you’re looking for Haru, he doesn’t get back until Monday. He went away for the week.”

“We’re aware,” Rei answered.

“Yeah! We heard you were here! So, we thought we’d come say hi!”

_They’re so nice..._

He let them both in and made tea. It was cramped around the low table but they didn’t seem uncomfortable with being squished in: naturally, they were probably acclimated to Haru’s apartment enough to be used to it. Rin decided to take advantage of that. After they talked for a while, he changed the subject to that fish tank. 

“So... when did Haru get a pet? It feels like I missed out on a lot...”

“Hn? You weren’t aware?” Rei questioned. “It’s been five months. That eel has lived here since last December.”

Nagisa joined in. “Actually, Haru-chan had some trouble with him at the start. But in the end, those two really hit it off together!”

 _It’s a fish_ … Rin wanted to remind him. Instead, he continued with his questions. “Do either of you know what the deal is with that thing?”

“He truly cares for it a lot,” Rei responded.

“Yeah…”

Whatever his shortcomings, no one could accuse Haru of being irresponsible when it came to domestic duties: that miniature demon was obviously well cared for. 

That was the type of person Haru was, though: he was good at looking after others, and a pet gave that aspect of his personality a chance to come out on show. Rin had always enjoyed the company of animals, so it wasn’t like he couldn’t grasp the appeal of a pet. He just had to wonder why Haru had gone with _that_ specifically. 

“It’s... an unusual choice. How come he went for a moray?”

“Well… you’d have to ask him,” Rei offered, unhelpfully. “Because, neither of us understand it, either…”

“If looking after it gives Haru-chan some confidence, I would never say anything bad about it to him!” Nagisa insisted, loudly. “But… b-between us, okay? I actually think that eel is super… scary...”

_No kidding. Most people would think that. That’s the normal reaction._

It didn’t feel like he understood Haru any better.

* * *

** May 10 **

Haru’s flight landed in the early hours of the morning: well before the crack of dawn. A taxi bought him back to his apartment and he felt exhausted as he unlocked his front door. His eyes had been more closed than open, but they widened in surprise at the sight waiting for him.

Rin was asleep on the sofa, with a textbook open beside him. He had earbuds in: there was the faint sound of music leaking out of them. His hair was mussed- with strands over his face- and he stirred from the walkway light leaking through the open door. That eel was out in his tank: inquisitively winding his slender body around the aquarium pump. Seeing them both comfortable like that... Haru smiled slightly.

“Haruuu...” Rin put a hand over his face. He groaned. “Ugh... did I fall asleep? What time is it..?”

“2am.”

“Ah- seriously?!” Rin shot up. In an instant, the eel darted into his rock. “So, how did it go? Was everything okay?”

“Yeah.” He’d been absentmindedly inspecting the tank, before he turned his focus back to Rin. “You took good care of him.”

“I’m not sure about that...” Rin frowned. “Listen. I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want you to worry, but... I couldn’t get him to eat. Every night, I tried like you told me to, but-“

“It’s okay,” Haru interrupted. “They can survive for a long time without food. And I didn’t know if he would eat from someone else. I just thought... someone should offer, because he got used to it.”

“He’s important to you, isn’t he?” Rin mumbled. He started cracking his neck, to straighten out.

Haru asked a question instead of responding. “Was the room okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. I could tell the bed was new. I washed the linen but I didn’t know where to put it, so I folded it up and left it there for you.”

He glanced over, at Rin’s shoes on the shelf in the doorway then at the various, personal items Rin was cramming into his bag. Those small touches of someone else in the apartment... there was something that Haru had been tentatively considering asking him, but he didn’t know how to word it. When Rin tugged up the zip on his bag- about to stand- he felt spurred.

“You can… stay here. While you’re studying.” Haru suggested at once- looking to the carpet. “If you want... you can have that room. Instead of your dorm.”

A long silence stretched on, full of uncertainty. When Rin finally spoke, he sounded extremely uncomfortable. “I don’t know, Haru. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, _why?_ You can’t answer that on your own?! _”_ Rin scowled- looking mad at him, now. “We’ve barely spoken in months! And after last year...”

“You said you wanted to forget about that.”

“I want to! But I can’t just..! Ugh...”

Rin grabbed for his bag- as if to storm out- but instead, aimed a pointed glare up at him. 

“Isn’t this weird for you?” He demanded. “Being around someone who said those things?!”

“It’s strange, because it’s not the same for me. So, I don’t know how to feel about it,” Haru admitted. He added, firmly: “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around you.”

He didn’t know how to decipher the disparaging look he received.

That confession had been uncomfortable, but... it hadn’t erased any of their time together, or prevented Haru from wanting them to remain friends. During the months where they hadn’t spoken, Haru had felt Rin’s absence from his life. A lot of work had gone into their relationship up to this point, from both sides: it wasn’t as if it had ever been smooth from the start. So, he didn’t see why they couldn’t get over this; neither did he want them to drift apart.

Rin was being hostile, though. Haru didn’t want to make assumptions- since he didn’t often know the driving force behind Rin’s moods- so, that was why... he felt he should ask him, for clarity. He knew that dragging the topic back up pointedly was unkind and sure to upset Rin, but... Haru also felt they needed to have this discussion if they were ever going to move on from it. Otherwise, it would always be lingering over them, like a shadow.

“You said you liked me,” he started, softly- slowly. “Do you still?”

“N-no...” For a moment, Haru was sure Rin would bristle, but was surprised when the fight drained out of him. “L-listen. I thought about it, and I don’t think I ever did... feel that way about you. I’m still figuring a lot of things out about myself. And I felt close to you, because we went through the same experience. So... I’m pretty sure I mistook the way I felt. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

He was obviously embarrassed, but his tone was sober. Haru let out a breath he hadn't been aware he’d been holding, and felt a small smile come.

“That’s a relief,” he admitted.

He truly didn’t know how he would have responded, if Rin had said he still felt the same. It made sense he’d acted on impulse before- if had definitely felt unexpected at the time. So, he was pleased they could go back to normal. Like everything had been.

Rin still sounded irritated. “Look, if you want a roommate, there are tons of people who would be interested. I don’t understand what you want from me.”

“I don’t want to fall out.”

The defensive expression on Rin’s face disappeared in an instant. His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed again as he became upset.

“I don’t want to, either...” he murmured. “But I just... don’t know. I don’t know, Haru.” He begun rubbing his face. “I’m really tired. Right now... I want to go back to my dorm.”

He stood, brushed past then the sound of the door closing filled the room. Haru didn’t get a chance to thank him for the past week; he was gone.

* * *

** May 11 **

_I don’t want to fall out..._ Rin tsked. Haru didn’t realise how hurtful he was. It was irrational, but... Rin couldn’t help but feel mad at him for failing to see things his way, at least once in a while.

He’d always valued their friendship, from the beginning. Rin had formulated his own dreams and aspirations before he’d met Haru, yet somehow, that other male had found his way to the heart of them, and become intertwined. He’d become such a strong influence on Rin that he didn’t want to envision a future where they were strangers, either.

Even so... he had to protect himself, didn’t he? Getting rejected had been a wound to his confidence: one it felt like someone was sticking their fingers into every time he looked at Haru. But, conversely... was he really so caught up in his pride that he’d cut the ties between them, to save face?

He didn’t think being in each other’s space all of the time was right for them. Then again... if they didn’t have any reason to interact, they would probably both remain taciturn. It had taken eight months and a call from Makoto to get them here, after all.

Haru was taking the initial steps to fix things: as far as Rin was aware, he’d never opened up his living space to another person like that, either. He wondered if Haru felt as bad as he did about the way things had turned out. Or, maybe, he thought bridging this issue between them was as simple as being in each other’s proximity. Or, maybe, there was some other motivation Rin didn’t understand entirely and never would.

He left the maze of introspection. Yet another choice to make, with no clear or easy answer. Ultimately, he concluded that he didn’t have anything to lose from it. His dorm room would remain open, since he’d prepaid the rent, so he could return any time. And... he and Haru were already uncommunicative. There wasn’t much worse things could get than a flatline.

* * *

** May 20 **

So, Rin moved in with him. In terms of practicality, living there was perfectly fine. Haru’s apartment was further from his university but closer to his job. He was afforded more space than his dorm, and Haru kept it clean and tidy.

The two of them had their own busy schedules so barely saw each other. They rarely shared meals- since Rin typically arrived home later- but Haru would leave food wrapped with a note and Rin would do the same whenever he got back first.

Most times, Rin had no inclination of whether Haru was in the apartment, other than a light on under the door to his bedroom or the wetroom. Like an apparition, he’d just appear from time to time standing in the kitchen or hallway with a laundry basket in his arms and it could be hours or days before Rin saw him again.

He’d been unaware of the extent of how anti-social Haru had become lately, too. Any time Rin tried to share aspects of his day- or ask about his- the responses he received varied from noncommittal to exasperated. Rin would have pressed that, but he recognised that the problem was deeper than him. Something wasn’t right with Haru. Sometimes, he’d look at Rin as if he were seeing straight through him. During others, his whole demeanour was distant, as if his entire existence were going to flicker out and vanish.

Rin had always preferred company over being alone but this situation was difficult. He wasn’t sure why Haru had asked him here when he didn’t show any interest in socialising. It wasn’t like there was hostility between them, but... there was no world in which Rin considered this getting along.

He was the type of person who wanted to face problems head on, so there were times he barely held back from asking: _what’s wrong with you? Why won’t you just say?_ , but knew pushing Haru would only cause a fight.

* * *

** May 25 **

“You’re _late!_ We thought you weren’t gonna show!”

Several customers looked over to their booth at the sound of Momo’s shout. Rin’s usual friend group had arranged to meet at a bar, and he’d spent the better part of an hour in gridlock only to turn up and get yelled at.

“It’s Tokyo. There’s traffic. Take it up with whoever invented cars.” That attitude right off the bat made Rin look to Ai. “What’s with him?”

“He’s just over-emotional...” Ai gave a small smile then begun patting Momo’s shoulder- undeservingly. “He’s upset because he feels like everyone has other priorities...”

“They do, don’t they?!” Momo wailed. “Ai-chan, you’re the only one who respects the comradery bonds of friends! First Yamazaki stands us up for his work. And _you_ -“ he glared at Rin. “You’re even worse! Keeping us waiting, ‘cause you can’t pull yourself away from your _boyfriend_ -“

“Um... back up. Slow down a second.” He sat down so he wouldn’t disturb the other customers more, leaning across the table to hiss: “ _What the hell are you talking about?!”_

“We heard about how you moved in with Nanase!” Momo announced, loudly.

“Y-yes! We’re really happy for you!” Ai glowed.

“What?! _N-no!”_ It was too much for his circulatory system to deal with. “No, it isn’t _like that!_ We’re not-“

“We don’t care, you know.” Momo insisted, waving a hand. “So, you don’t have to cover it up around us! Next time, just... set a phone reminder, or something-”

“Please, shut up!” He was flushing deeply enough to raise the collective temperature of the room. “I swear, you’re completely missing the mark! Haru’s not... we’re not...” It wasn’t helping his case that he couldn’t get words out. “You’ve got the wrong idea!”

“Uh-huh.” Momo was busy cramming food from the snack platter into his mouth.

“It really is okay, though,” Ai intoned cheerfully. “B-b-but if y-you say there’s nothing going on, w-we believe you!”

The last part was added hastily because of Rin’s stony glare. He felt like killing those two, but could only remain silent, waiting for the furious blush to die down- unable to defend himself any more competently in his current condition.

“So, Sousuke’s really not coming?” He clarified, once he’d recovered. He could have used that moral support.

“Nope,” Momo smiled sweetly. “Just me, Ai and you.” He suddenly shouted: “HEY! You need to order a drink, right?! Grab some more octopus sticks while you’re up at the bar! Compliments on you since you made us wait!”

Rin only sighed. He really wondered why he’d came back to Japan. He was about ready to get on the next plane, and never look back.

* * *

** May 27 **

He didn’t know what Haru did during the day. He’d told Rin that he covered shifts in a café, but outside of that, Rin always assumed he was training. Aside from Makoto who came by often, it didn’t seem like Haru went out with his swim team or friends. Every evening, though- if Rin came in at the right time- he’d find Haru sitting on the back of the sofa, with one hand in that fish tank.

He’d stopped admonishing Haru for it, since his efforts went ignored each time. Haru would sit there for minutes on end, watching that eel go around in circles. Rin couldn’t see whatever it was that Haru saw, that made him look so at peace when he gazed into the water. He was at his most relaxed like that... but he also looked sad, in some way Rin couldn’t place.

Rin came over to sit with him. Haru didn’t react, as he dropped down beside him atop the sofa back, his eyes fixed on the eel circling his palm. His fingers curled every so often, stroking its side.

That creature looked more nightmarish up close. Rather than swimming, it seemed to float through the water- it’s dorsal fin giving the illusion of it’s entire body rippling. With teeth that stuck up like broken pieces of needles and a misshapen body the color of rust, dirt and wet sand, Rin couldn’t tell what Haru liked about it. Voicing all that wasn’t going to get them on better terms.

“They’re strong, right?”

Haru looked to him. “What?”

“Um... nothing. I don’t know a lot about those, but... I remember when I went out with my dad, they always bit through the fishing lines. And they’d thrash around everywhere and knock stuff over, so it was always difficult to kill them properly..." He was grasping for things to say, but when he registered what had come out, he felt horrified. “Haru, I’m really sorry,” he intoned- hushed. “I didn’t think, but... that’s an awful thing to talk about to someone who has one as a pet-”

Haru didn’t seem that phased. “I like grilled eel, too,” he replied, indifferently. “It doesn’t bother me that people cook them.”

“Wait... seriously? Isn’t that a conflict of interest?”

“They eat each other sometimes in the sea. Ushio would understand it.”

“Ushio? Well... at least you finally named him.”

“I’m trying different ones.” Haru glanced over. “Does it fit?”

“Not at _all_...”

“Then... I’ll change it again.”

Their conversation bounced around as usual- quickly losing thoroughfare. It wasn’t long before Rin was at a loss for what to say.

“He’s so cute,” Haru was mumbling. “Or maybe handsome is a better word...”

“If we’re using your metric where everything is backwards... sure.” Rin grimaced. “Either of those.”

“If you can’t say anything good, don’t answer.”

Haru prudently closed his eyes and started rubbing under the eel’s jaw, making its head bob up and down with the motions. Rin had hit a sore spot- oh, well. He wasn’t racking up points with this conversation anyway.

The bright colors of the tank were reflected in Haru’s eyes when he turned to look at him shortly afterwards.

“Is it weird that I have a pet like this?”

“Yeah, it is. But at the same time, I think it’s pretty normal for humans to like strange stuff.”

“Then what strange things do you like?”

“I... set myself up for that.”

“You did.”

“Besides, you know too much about me. I already told you something I didn’t say to anyone else...” 

He regretted the words the moment his brain registered they’d fallen from his lips; flinching when Haru answered.

“That isn’t strange,” Haru muttered. “A lot of people are gay.”

_Count on him to put it bluntly..._

“I-I know. It’s just... difficult to accept...” he rubbed one side of his neck, trying to relieve some of the tension there. “To be honest, it’s hard for me to think about without feeling weird. I can’t explain where that feeling comes from, but it’s... there.” He trailed off lamely. “You know?”

“Yeah.”

Haru had an understanding tone of voice. Rin had only said a little, but... he felt better, somehow. He gave a playful sigh.

“But you know... after seeing your relationship with that thing, I feel normal by comparison...”

“Stop calling him a thing.”

“That’s the point you defend?! Stick up for yourself, first...”

“You’re too young to be taking relationships seriously. You should focus on your studies.” There was an almost paternal tone that rung to the words. Haru stood and closed the lid of the tank, drying his hands off with a towel.

“Yeah... you’re probably right.”

Haru went off, then there was the familiar sound of the tap water running as he cleaned his hands, followed by clattering of cooking utensils being taken out of their places.

There were instances like this, now and then, where Rin could get a little out of him but it wasn’t their norm. A fog of melancholia descended over him; he didn’t get Haru. Rin never knew what to say to him and had no idea where they stood. Their friendship had regressed. Or had it?

He didn’t want things to be like this, but didn’t know how to change them.

* * *

** May 29 **

Rin was seated at the bar of Sousuke’s family restaurant during afterhours. The lights around them were dimmed to a soft glow; Sousuke was cleaning up behind the counter, putting glasses away.

Sousuke had passed some time talking about his swimming and apologised for being unable to make the lunch appointment with Ai and Momo the previous week. The memory bought back irritation for Rin; he scowled.

“Those guys... dealing with them was a pain. They’re convinced there’s something going on between me and Haru.” 

“There isn’t?”

“NO!” He couldn’t believe this. “Does everyone think that if two people move in together that’s the only explanation..? What era is this?!”

“That’s probably not the only reason, Rin,” Sousuke replied, not entertaining the sarcasm. “And you react a lot. I’m sure they enjoy messing you around.”

_Some friends..._

“Well, they bought into something totally wrong. How am I supposed to handle it?”

“You don’t. They know Haru has a professional reputation and they wouldn’t spread rumours about your private life. So, stop reacting so strongly and they’ll get distracted by something else.”

He couldn't naturally feign indifference, but... 

“I hate it when you’re right...”

He set his head in one hand pensively. Those guys had no way of knowing... exactly how untrue it was. That fish had made a more honest job out of capturing Haru’s heart. For what felt like the eight-millionth time in the past several weeks, Rin sighed. 

“Ready for a drink?”

“Sure.” His eyes flicked up to Sousuke. “You got anything that erases memories?”

He smiled. “Enough whisky will do that for a few hours.”

“Close enough,” Rin muttered, setting his payment card down on the counter and watching him fill up a glass.


	3. June, 2021

** June 6 **

At the beginning of June, Rin received a phone call from Gou; she wanted to tell him about her latest study project.

“It’s called ‘ _all out muscle building!_ ’ Listen and be amazed!”

“Wow. That does sound amazing…”

“Ehe..!” Her enthusiasm was practically radiating down the phone line. It was contagious- Rin could feel his own mood picking up.

“Pick somewhere to eat and I’ll take you out later. You can tell me about it then,” he suggested. 

“I can’t come over yours?”

“I mean... I should check that, with Haru, first...”

“H-Haru?” She was taken aback.

He remembered that he hadn’t told her. “Oh, that’s right. I’m not at the dorm anymore. I moved in with Haru-“

“ _Ehhhhhh_?” She shouted, making the speaker vibrate. “You did?! That's amazing! Hey, can I come over?! I want to see him! I want to see where you live, too!”

“Sure... I’ll ask.” 

He could never turn her down when she was excitable... even when he wasn’t quite sure what was fuelling her; he wondered how Haru would react. Rin managed to catch him in the kitchen that afternoon at one of the counters: portioning off a fish into freezable containers for his pet. 

“So... Gou wanted to come over later,” Rin said, after greeting him. “I think she’s looking forward to seeing you again.” At Haru’s complete lack of feedback, he elaborated: “Um... I can take her somewhere else if you’d rather have time to yourself, but-“

“It’s fine.” The answer was flippant, like he didn’t care. It wasn’t the amenable reaction Rin had hoped for but it at least seemed as if Haru wasn’t opposed to seeing her. 

He picked Gou up in his car shortly afterwards from her dormitory. She was still shorter than him, even in heels, and chatted happily about her project as he drove them back to Haru’s apartment. She was studying to become an athletic trainer and appeared to be excelling. After all of the years she’d spent helping him with things like diet, workout schedules and kidnapping his magazines, Rin could easily imagine her intimidating the rest of her cohort with her knowledge. It made her happy so he tried not to be critical, but he still worried about the amount of men that type of work might put her into contact with.

Haru was cooking in the kitchen when they returned. After removing her shoes in the entranceway, Gou bounded over to him.

“Haruka-san! It’s good to see you again! Thank you for allowing me into your home!” She beamed. 

“Yeah.” Haru smiled back at her, in a passable display of sociability.

Her eyes went wide- her voice loud. “ _W-o-w!_ Your arms look _amazing!_ You’ve really built up your biceps since the last time I saw you! So, that means you’re alternating more with other types of training, right?! Which ones?! I bet the toning on your shoulders got more incredible, too-“

Rin felt a surge of pride every time she got like that, as Haru blinked- unsure how to react.

“Gou, that’s enough,” Rin reprimanded gently. “Come on, you’re getting way too worked up...”

“Do you want to eat with us?” Haru asked her.

“Oh, _no,_ I _couldn’t!_ I wouldn’t want to disturb you both...”

“You. Are. Not. Disturbing. _Anything_.” Rin couldn’t put enough stress on his response. It had been harmless enough on its face, but... after that ordeal with his friends only days ago, he didn’t want any more misunderstandings about him and Haru. “Its fine. We both knew you were coming over-“

“No, _honestly!_ I just wanted to say hello... and I have classes first thing tomorrow, so... I should leave, soon...”

She trailed off and for a short while seemed content fidgeting with the end of her ponytail and looking around their living space. Naturally, her gaze settled on that enormous fish tank.

“That tank is so beautiful,” she breathed.

“It’s Haru’s.” Rin pushed that off onto him quickly. He wasn’t going to explain it.

“Haruka-san, what kind of fish will you buy for it?” She leaned toward Haru, innocently... no idea what conversation she was in for.

“I already have an eel in there.” Haru replied.

“An... eh?”

Rin watched her face change from surprise to incomprehension as she processed that, in a way that was all too familiar. He folded his arms and rested his weight against a kitchen counter- deciding to watch this play out on its own.

“But... why did you choose something like that? I mean... those aren’t attractive, at all...” she flattened her lips in an effort to conceal her true reaction, but still couldn’t prevent the corners of her mouth from curving downwards in a small frown.

“He’s well-behaved and easy to take care of. So he has a good personality.” Haru informed her.

“All of those things don’t matter for pets that are scary! And dangerous!” It felt validating having someone else echo Rin’s points.

“He’s got muscles along his entire body,” Haru replied abruptly. 

“E-eh..?!” She blinked. “Is that... true?! Haruka-san, be honest with me! Is that true?!”

He nodded- serious. “His entire body is made of them. So, any fan of muscles would have to respect them...”

“Ah...” Rin had started to realise what was happening but he’d already lost her.

“ _Fwaaa!_ ” She exclaimed. “He’s definitely a good choice for a pet! He sounds _perfect!”_

“W-wait a second... you can’t decide that… you haven’t seen it!” Rin frowned. “A moment ago, you were talking about how scary it was-“

“That was then!” She rounded on him. “Onii-chan, how can you not appreciate that amount of muscle?!”

“That was underhanded...” Rin glared at Haru, who paid him no mind and kept going with his meal preparations. “Come on,” he addressed Gou. “You wanted to get back soon, right? I’ll drive you.”

“Okay! Goodbye, Haruka-san! Take care of your pet!” Her long ponytail swished behind her as she followed Rin over to the doorway.

Ten minutes later they were strapped back in his car again, the vehicles bright headlights sweeping over darkened roads. After staring ahead from the passenger’s seat for some time, Gou spoke up:

“Haruka-san seems kind of down, doesn’t he..?”

It was more of an observation than a question. Rin didn’t answer directly.

“You think so?”

Other than being quiet, Rin had thought he’d acted pretty normal back there compared with the last couple of weeks. It seemed as if everyone could tell something was up with him.

“Now that it’s starting to get warm again, you should do something to cheer both of you up!” She asserted. “Like a vacation!”

He took his eyes from the windshield for a fraction of a second, to scowl at her. “What do you mean, _both of you?_ There’s nothing wrong with me.”

When she smiled back at him, Rin circumvented her potential answer quickly:

“B-besides...” he desperately retuned to the previous subject- “I can’t drop everything: it’s a middle of a school term. And Haru has a strict training regime to follow; he already went away with his friends last Autumn. At his level, too many breaks will have a huge impact on his performance...”

“Y-yes...” She'd stammered so Rin took another glance at her, to see her fiddling with the hem of her skirt.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing...” She seemed to be considering whether to respond truthfully. “Um, I wonder... did Haruka-san really take a vacation, last year?”

The question confused Rin. “Everyone organized it in front of me.” 

“R-right…” Another brief pause. “So... did he actually go to that... Onii-chan..?” He felt stunned. Gou continued: “I heard about it last year, from one of the others... they said that it got cancelled. Because Haruka-san caught a bad cold so he was too unwell to go on the plane, in the end...”

Rin felt chilled, as if doused with water. Noone… had told him that. He’d been in Australia during that time, last year- back when he hadn’t been speaking to Haru- but he’d definitely inquired about that trip with a couple of their friends over the phone. Now that he thought back on it, everyone had been quick to change the subject, but... he’d attributed that to other things in the moment and forgotten about it afterward. Discomfort begun spreading through his stomach.

Gou picked up on the shift in the atmosphere. “Onii-chan... did I talk about something I shouldn’t have? I’m sorry...”

“You didn’t say anything wrong. Don’t worry about it.”

“You won’t fight over this, right..?”

“No, I promise.”

“Okay…” She relaxed back against the seat. Rin changed the subject to put her at ease, but for the remainder of the drive couldn’t push what he’d heard from the back of his mind.

The living area and kitchen were both dark and vacant when Rin returned, with the lights on the fish tank shut off for the night cycle. Food had been left out on the side, but he didn’t feel like eating. He headed straight into the shower.

It was definitely plausible that Haru had caught a cold last year, but there was a scenario which felt more likely, and the fact all of their friends had actively avoided telling Rin suggested it was the correct one: Haru had refused to go, and the others hadn’t been able to convince him to change his mind. That upset Rin on Haru’s behalf, but the part which frustrated him was the fact the others had talked around it. Rin didn’t have the right to know what went on in Haru’s life, and it was true that he and Haru hadn’t been speaking during that period. But, after everything they’d been through... didn’t the others think that maybe he could _help_? Didn’t they think he should at least _try?_

There was a second inference Rin had gleamed, as well: Haru’s mood and behaviour lately weren’t recent developments. With that hindsight, Rin remembered how he'd been acting off during last August. He’d brushed it aside at the time- due to the pressure and exhaustion from the circumstance- although it had never sat well. How long had he been feeling like that..?

He’d keep his promise to Gou that he wouldn’t start a fight over it, since bringing the subject up to Haru months later wouldn’t be productive. For the time being, he resolved to try and push his feelings about it down, and go about his own business.

* * *

** June 17 **

“Is Haru here?” Makoto asked. His expression was neutral but his green eyes revealed a hint of concern. It was eight pm, and Rin had been cooking when the doorbell had rung.

“He’s still training… I think,” Rin offered. He was rarely sure where Haru was. Haru appeared to train well above any safe or professionally planned athletic schedule, finishing at random times- seemingly whenever he felt like it. His cell phone was shut off most of the time, too... though Rin suspected it predominantly remained in Haru’s room.

“I see. Then I’m sorry I disturbed you. I’ll come back tomorrow.” He turned to go.

“Is everything okay?” Rin blurted out, causing Makoto to look over his shoulder.

He knew better than to expect information about Haru’s private life from Makoto of all people. Especially after what he’d heard from Gou. For a moment, Makoto’s gaze appeared unexpectedly serious- then it passed, and he smiled.

“Yes, it’s fine. Goodnight, Rin.”

Really, he’d expected that answer... but it annoyed him, all the same.

He was finishing up in the kitchen when the door opened. Haru came in, wordlessly tended to his pet, cleaned off his hands and started unpacking groceries. He seemed to be in his own little world, crouched down by the refrigerator checking the dates of old products and moving them around the shelves. Rin watched him, trying to work out what he was feeling. He’d gotten lost in thought when Haru had looked over and realised he was staring. 

“What?” Haru asked.

“N-nothing!” Rin stammered.

“You’re staring at me.” Haru put down the jar he’d been holding, stood and came close.

“T-then don’t stand close to me and stare back! That makes it extra weird!”

Rin felt himself flush and backed off- not able to cope with that level of proximity. There was a curious look on Haru’s face as he watched Rin fidget: deciding on the best way to put words to his concerns.

“I was... wondering... if everything’s okay with you,” he ventured.

Haru’s eyes narrowed as he became suspicious. “Why?”

“Y-you know...” Rin was awful at playing things off. “Makoto came by just now. He seemed worried about you.”

Haru’s response was emotionless. “I’m fine,” he murmured.

“Well... he knows you pretty well. So if he’s worried-“

“If I say it’s nothing, it’s nothing,” Haru insisted: angering like a switch had been flipped. “That’s it. So, stop talking about it.”

His tone was harsh; Rin knew he should leave the topic alone. There was blaring in his head, like a train crossing warning signal: _leave it alone._

But he was tired of avoiding it.

“Look, what’s going on with you? You can tell me about it-“

“ _Shut up!_ ” Haru slammed the refrigerator door so hard that there was the sound of the glass bottles inside hitting each other and clinking as they tumbled out of the side rack. Those noises- and his shout- startled Rin, making him jump. “I’ve had enough,” Haru snapped. His blue eyes seemed to be swirling and chaotic. “I don’t need other people telling me there’s something wrong all the time. Or talking about me, together-“

“I answered the _door!”_ Rin shouted back, incredulous. “And I asked if you were _okay!_ What are you getting so mad at me about?! You’d rather I didn’t show any interest at all?!”

“ _Yes!_ Leave me alone! I don’t need your help! It’s interfering!”

He turned and stormed out, disappearing into his bedroom. For several moments, Rin was too startled to move.

_What was that?_

That 180... had been... scary. Rin had definitely been pushing him, but there wasn’t any harm meant by it- it felt like an extreme reaction.

He moved to the refrigerator. Nothing inside had broken, but a lid had bounced off from some soy sauce on impact from fall and made a mess. Rin cleaned it up, making a mental note to buy a replacement next time he was out. He packed away the remainder of the groceries, distracted.

_That wasn’t him at all..._

Haru was upset, so it hadn’t been personal... right? Rin could count the times on less than one hand when Haru had shouted at him: it was unusual, but regardless of the reason, it had always hurt. He was reluctant to admit it, but... Haru scared him a little in that mood, too. He got an intense look- turbulent and irrational. That stark contrast to his usual self made it all the more alarming. Rin considered knocking on his bedroom door to tell him that food was ready or to apologise and try and explain himself more, but decided against it: Haru obviously wanted to be left alone.

* * *

** June 19 **

It was mid Saturday morning when there was a knock at the apartment door; Rin opened it up to Makoto, again.

“Hello,” he greeted. “A few of us are meeting up together. Would you like to come along?”

“Haru and I had an argument.” Rin murmured- making the assumption he’d be there. He and Haru hadn’t spoken since that day, and Rin had stopped making attempts since they were outright ignored- “It would make things uncomfortable if I went.”

“Haru’s not coming today,” Makoto answered softly. “He’s out training. To be honest, we wanted to speak with you.”

“Oh...”

That didn’t bode well. Haru had probably already told him about their fight... if he’d not picked up on it on his own. Well... Rin had intended to discuss the situation with them, anyway. He grabbed his coat, following him down.

Nagisa and Rei were waiting at the bottom of the stairs of the building; they immediately begun waving and calling up. Rin resented himself for thinking it, but… it felt good to be out of that apartment. Since their fight, the ephemeral interactions that he and Haru shared previously had ceased to be altogether: when the silence between them both in the same room wasn’t awkward, it felt like there was something building behind it. Conversely... he also didn’t feel right going out with everyone else, without Haru there.

It was the rainy season; an unexpected downpour made them take shelter in the nearest coffee house they could find. The sound of droplets was muted within, mixed in with the low chatter and bustle of other customers. They were all slightly wet: warming their hands on their cups around a table.

“I can’t _believe_ this rain!” Nagisa exclaimed. “It comes down suddenly, like _whoosh!”_ His hands gave a dramatic demonstration.

“Nagisa-kun…” Rei adjusted his glasses, opposite him. “I reminded you, several times, to bring your coat along…”

“But it looked so calm before! Those heavy clouds came out of nowhere!”

“That’s just how it is for June.” Makoto smiled.

They were all drinking coffee: acting like nothing was wrong. Rin stared into the dark liquid of his cup- struggling to go along with them any longer. 

“You didn’t tell me,” he said, abruptly. His cold tone of voice made them all look toward him- “About that vacation last year. I asked you, but you never told me it didn’t go ahead. You all kept that from me on purpose.”

There was silence.

Nagisa was the first to break it- stuttering. “W-well, th-that’s because... we only thought that-”

“What?” Rin asked- frowning. 

“Haru didn’t want to go.” Makoto didn’t attempt to put up the pretence of it being a cold, like Gou had been told- “We thought that if you knew, you might have tried to put pressure on him.”

There it was. Rin felt his mood darken. 

“And you think a week shut up in that apartment was better for him than spending time with his friends?”

“It isn’t up to anyone but Haru to decide that,” Makoto answered, brisk- but resolute. “If he isn’t in the mood to socialise, forcing it will only make him uncomfortable. It’s his right to take time out to get better.”

“So, is he? Getting better?” Rin asked icily.

“He has the right to make his own choices, Rin.” Makoto responded, meeting his eyes unflinchingly. “Whether anyone else agrees with them or not.”

Their disagreement was making the other two uncomfortable, since they clearly didn’t want to take sides- neither did they seem to know where to look. Rei tapped his fingers against a placemat and gazed out of a window, clearing his throat, whilst Nagisa had drawn his shoulders together and stared at his lap: visibly distressed.

“What about his birthday?” Rin pressed. It was coming up at the end of the month.

“He doesn’t want to do anything.” Makoto had already had that conversation.

“And you’re fine with that?”

“Yes. Because it’s his decision.”

“I-if I may...” Rei interrupted, cautiously. “A lot has happened for Haruka-san in the last year. After the publicity from the Olympics, he became extremely famous overnight. That’s quite an adjustment, for anyone-”

“An adjustment is one thing, but it’s June now,” Rin snapped. “That’s three quarters of a year since those races! You’re seriously gonna tell me that _it’ll be okay soon_ is your answer?! All of you?!”

He shocked himself with the outburst, aware of how he’d been acting- staring at the table, cheeks hot with embarrassment as he recentred. He was on track to upset all of his friends, at this point: he didn’t know what had gotten into him. He shouldn’t be fighting-not when these were the people who shared and understood his concerns better than anyone. None of the other three appeared to begrudge him: their expressions were sympathetic.

“It’s difficult for us, too,” Makoto assured him. “But trying to fix things for him is the wrong approach. Because when it comes down to it, this isn’t our problem to solve. Noone else can overcome this for Haru. We can only be there to support him and encourage him to do it himself, when he feels ready in his own time.”

“We’ve all tried to advise him,” Rei contributed, mildly. “B-but... well...”

Nagisa reached out a hand and his small fingers closed around one of Rin’s wrists. He spoke reassuringly, with a fond lilt.

“Rin-chan… all of us care about him a lot. We all want to help him, and see him smile, because it’s been a long time since we saw him like that. But Haru-chan… doesn’t feel like it now. So, let’s wait until he’s ready, okay? Okay..?”

_It’s not right to leave things like this. There’s no way avoidance is the answer...._

“…I have to go,” he muttered, drawing back his hand. He slammed some money down for his drink and got out of there, without looking back. He didn’t want to believe there was nothing he could do. He didn’t want to think they were right, and the only option was to wait. Haru had never once asked for help when he’d needed it in any way Rin could remember. So, if he was struggling, Rin didn’t think he was going to come around and admit it without help getting there. How long would things stay that way? How long had they been like it already? If it only made a small impact, there had to be something he could do!

Makoto had said that Haru didn’t have any plans for his birthday. It was a weekday so they both had their own obligations, but on the weekend before... Rin wondered if taking him out on a trip would make him feel any better. If only for a day, he was sure that getting Haru out of his usual routine would be good.

The issue was, it seemed as if Haru had specifically told Makoto he didn’t want to do anything. Overtly going against his wishes was a bad idea; Rin knew full well it would cause an argument. But... he felt like he had to try something. Like he would secretly want someone to try and help, if that were him. And no matter how much shutting everyone out was alleviating whatever symptoms he was experiencing in that moment... it was obvious that it was making him lonelier and unhappier in the long term.

Using his smart phone, he booked tickets to an aquarium for the Sunday after next. He wasn’t looking forward to telling Haru, but decided he might as well get it over with. When he came in from training that evening, Rin announced the news.

“I made plans for you next Sunday.” He said outright. “I’m taking you out somewhere.”

Haru’s eyes flashed. Unlike before, he bypassed being defensive and went straight to agitation.

“Whatever you did, cancel it,” he replied coldly. “I’m not going anywhere with you.” 

“No. You’re coming.”

“ _Cancel it_.”

“ _No!_ Get mad at me all you want! This will be good for you!”

“It’s not up to you to decide if I want to do something or not! Why do you think you know better all the time?!”

Haru came straight over and snapped at him. Rin felt his inner resolve tremble but firmly held his ground. His voice softened to convey that it was well-meaning.

“Come out with me for a day,” he tried, exhaustedly. “It’s _one day!_ If you hate it, you can get mad at me in whatever way you want afterwards. Throw me out of your apartment, never talk to me again... I’ll go along with whatever you decide. And I won’t ever ask you to do anything after that. I promise. ...I just want to do something together.”

He’d hoped Haru would match his manner, but instead, Rin was met with impassive coldness. Haru gave him a freezing stare: icy and smouldering from under his dark lashes. Rin could almost sense the hostile energy inside of him, and the effort that it took him to maintain his outward calm...

Once again, instead of responding, Haru moved past him and down the hall. Rin heard his bedroom door slam- the reverberation seeming to shake the air.

He frowned. That had gone a lot better than expected, though Haru hadn’t exactly agreed and Rin felt increasingly more uncertain about his decision. Was this going to help? He’d definitely overstepped his bounds, without knowing whether the fallout would be worth it. But he couldn’t in good conscience keep pretending that things were fine. He was nearing his own limits, too: living this way for weeks on end was putting him on edge.

Haru had been the one to ask him to stay here. Maybe it was Rin’s imagination, but... when Haru had put that to him... Rin had sensed a note in his voice. Something faint, and unplaceable- hiding away behind a front of indifference- but... unmistakably... vulnerable. He wondered if maybe Haru hadn’t asked him to be here for their friendship. Maybe he’d asked for himself.

...Or, _maybe_ both of those were wishful thinking, and Haru had suggested it in the spur of the moment out of guilt and regretted it since. How was Rin supposed to tell? It was better not to venture too far into those thoughts at all.

* * *

** June 27 **

The next Sunday, Rin managed to get Haru into the passenger’s seat of his car with a surprising lack of argument, though he later learned this was because Haru had chosen to protest silently, remaining quiet for the entire drive. Rin left him to it- hypothesizing that his mood would improve as the day went on- but he still didn’t feel like talking once they arrived at the aquarium.

They entered straight away to garden eels. The eels were thin, patterned with spots and bands. Their heads poked out of the substrate like strands of grass and they appeared perfectly happy wriggling around entertaining the crowds of people admiring them.

“These ones are friendlier than yours,” Rin teased. Far cuter, too, but he didn’t say that part aloud. He turned to Haru, expecting him to jump to the defence of his pet, but was disappointed to see Haru’s eyes flicker away: disconnected from the exhibit.

“C’mon. Let’s go see the rest.”

Different sections of the building simulated various depths of the ocean, with the upper rooms brightly lit by fluorescent, coral-shaped lamps and walls decorated like reefs, to the middle rooms colored in blues and purples, and the bottom ones being pitch black, with only the tanks illuminated. A variety of sea creatures suitable for the habitat represented lived in each section, and staff members offered curated talks.

Rin was pleased to see Haru was become more animated outwardly as time passed. When he gazed at the exhibits, his expression would soften, as if he were staring past the depths, or his eyes would track the sea creatures infatuatedly, like they were the most involving things in the world. Rin would make a comment every so often, but mostly shoved his hands in his pockets and left Haru to his thoughts. He was showing obvious interest- even if he didn’t want to speak.

Coming to the end, there was a museum portion. A large hall had been filled with stuffed sea creatures: positioned on podiums and suspended from the ceiling. Guests loitered around them, impressed, or posing to take photographs.

They were almost done with the exhibition already... Rin tried not to let his disappointment show. For a few hours, all he’d wanted to do was help, but it felt like he’d failed. He rested his arms over the railings to one of the displays and breathed a sigh.

“I guess today wasn’t that educational. You’re really into this stuff, so you probably knew all about everything they had to offer...”

He was talking more to chase off his own moodiness, rather than to make conversation. As with the other times he’d spoken today, he expected no response.

Against all odds, he got one.

“The exhibits are always vague in these places.” Haru mumbled.

“Well... they try to make it inclusive, so... I guess they don’t go into detail.” This place was colorful and flashy with a good variety of marine life, but maybe a museum would have been a better choice. He kept the conversation going. “What kind of stuff did you want to hear about?”

“Something mysterious. Like the Yonaguni monument.”

“Oh. I bet there are tons of great exhibits closer to the islands about that.” He was actually learning more about him. “So, it’s not just fish... things like archaeological dive sites interest you, too?”

“Mhn.” Rin had thought that was all he was going to get, so was surprised when Haru continued: “Not just in Japan. I like hearing about the ones they find all over the world. Like... Baia. Or Heracleion. Or... Atlantis.”

Rin was only half registering the unfamiliar names, so that last one almost slipped by him. “You mean ones in the Atlantic.” He turned.

“Atlantis.” Haru met his eyes. Dead on, and with a serious expression. Rin stared back at him, not giving anything away- he spoke slowly.

“The city?”

“Yeah.”

“The one that sunk?”

“Mn.”

“...The make-believe one?”

“It was real,” Haru insisted. “It was sunk by earthquakes. And the citizens all turned into merpeople.”

Rin gazed at him for several long seconds, then- successfully caught off guard- he burst into laughter.

“If you don’t think it’s real, you should prove it.” Haru challenged.

“What..?” Rin was still laughing. “You want me to prove something like that doesn’t exist? Of course I can’t. No one can do that...”

“If you can’t prove it, it could be real,” Haru asserted. “They discover new sites all the time. So, in twenty years, they could find it. If you don’t know for certain, you can’t say that they won’t.”

“N-no, I’m pretty sure that was a story…” he frowned, not liking how Haru was making him second-guess himself. “And, well... that kind of logic isn’t wrong, but it’s defiantly far-fetched. If you approach the world with that kind of view, anything could be true. Are you gonna say that because noone has found a giant version of your Northern stoplight loosy-kun floating around in the ocean, that thing exists too?”

“...It exists.”

“Oh, come on...” Rin murmured, then decided that since it was impossible to win this argument, he might as well play along with it. “Well... if anyone knows the truth, it would definitely be the sea creatures who spent their whole lives swimming around down there. So, maybe these guys would tell us.” Leaning over the railing, he addressed one of the multiple sharks suspended from the ceiling, with a grin. “What do you think, Shark-sans? Did you see any lost cities when you were swimming around?”

“Taxidermy sharks can’t tell you about Atlantis.”

“How am I supposed to respond to that..?” Rin started to laugh again, pulling back from the exhibit. He was pretty sure he was being messed around with at this point, but... Haru came across so convincingly, sometimes... part of the reason he was so effective was because it really could be hard to tell. He opened his mouth to continue playing around, when he became aware of a crowd of people behind them, who didn’t appear to be interested in the sharks. It seemed as if they were looking at... Haru. When they mentioned the phrase ‘ _Olympic swimmer’_ , Haru begun to look intensely uncomfortable.

“Let’s get out of here,” Rin suggested.

There was a themed café by the exit; he tried to persuade Haru to go in.

“I don’t feel like it,” was all he would say.

“It’s 4pm now- you didn’t eat since breakfast. You need to keep up your calorie intake.” When the suggestion was ineffective, Rin teased him. “Hey. I’ll buy you something with fish in it. Would you like that..?”

“Don’t try and coerce me with that. I’m not a seal,” Haru frowned.

“You want something. Just admit it!”

When Haru turned around, to reinforce the refusal, Rin tried again with a different technique.

“Hey... did you see the banners? They have crab cakes but they gave them eyes and legs, so they look like little cartoon crabs. That’s on another level.”

A glimmer appeared in Haru's eyes- he turned back. “What would they do with mackerel..?”

“You wanna find out?”

There was an instant where it looked like Rin had won him over and it seemed Haru was considering it, until all of the light went out of his eyes and he was gazing off sideways again. No good.

“Okay,” Rin conceded. “We spent a pretty long time here, already. Let’s go home.”

He stopped in the gift shop to get bottled water for the drive back; Haru ended up hanging around outside, not wanting to go in. As Rin waited behind another customer, he noticed a stand of keychains on the counter. They were small, bubble-shaped capsules, with the backs patterned like castles. Each one had its own floating sea creature inside along with a couple of coloured stars, all suspended in a blue gel. It really looked like the kind of thing Haru would be endeared to. Rin briefly considered purchasing him one, as a birthday present.

_It’s cheap, so he can’t get mad about something like that, right?_

_Would he want something that will remind him of today..?_

The cashier called him up, so on a whim he grabbed one with a dolphin in it and paid for it with their drinks, cramming it into his pocket on the way out.

It was a long drive back. Haru was quiet for most of it, making noncommittal noises to Rin’s comments. When they hit a traffic jam, Rin glanced over and saw him starting to go to sleep against the car door. He seemed exhausted. Rin wondered if he’d had fun today. In his mind, he’d felt sure getting Haru out of his usual routine would give him a way to put everything he was worrying about aside for a while and cheer up. But... it felt so stupid now, to think that a daytrip would make any real impact. The idea that perhaps he’d inadvertently made Haru unhappier in some way tore at his heart.

It was 7pm by the time they got back. Haru went straight to his room and closed the door, whilst Rin showered and got ready for bed- wandering back into the living area afterwards.

The room was in darkness, with Haru’s profile illuminated by the blue light of the fish tank. He was in his usual position- sitting on the back of the sofa- with one hand immersed in the water, rubbing one side of his pet’s head. In those moments, Haru looked more relaxed and content than he’d appeared to be at any time during the entire day. Then, the spell was broken as he looked up at Rin, and his disposition reverted to neutral.

“I’m gonna go to bed early,” Rin said suddenly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

With that, Rin went through to his room. He stuffed his hand into his pyjama bottom pocket and removed the keychain from its gift bag.

He’d intended to give it to Haru just now, but... that moment hadn’t belonged to him. Haru had made a point about not wanting to celebrate his birthday too, so giving him something small might start a confrontation they were both too tired for. He considered tossing it into the trashcan. In the end, he hung the chain on Haru’s bedroom door handle and left it there for him to find. He padded back to his room, hit the light and threw himself down onto the bed, staring up at the darkened ceiling. Struggling to get comfortable, he rolled onto one side.

_If you don’t know for sure, anything could be true... there’s no way that’s a good world view..._

Still. He kind of wanted to think like that. Even if it was only destined to make you miserable.

* * *

** June 29 **

Sousuke had come over to pick Rin up for the evening but Rin was running late getting ready, so Haru was the one to answer the door and invite him in. He stood waiting in the genkan. An awkward silence hung between them.

“How was your trip?” Sousuke asked. The fact he knew about it meant Rin had surely told him everything, already.

“It was good.”

Rin still hadn’t come out of his room, leaving Haru stuck- unsure what else to say.

“He told me you’re interested in sunken cities.” Sousuke’s stern expression became more aloof when he smiled. “I thought Rin would be the one to take a liking to those type of romantic stories.”

“They’re not romantic stories,” Haru replied. “They’re lost civilisations.”

Sousuke’s expression reverted back to more of a flat one, and Haru was grateful when Rin burst out of the hall- his zipper jacket halfway up his arms.

“Hey, Haru.” He acknowledged him as he brushed past. He smelled overwhelmingly of soap, wet hair and cologne- all rolled in together, emanating with the heat from the shower water.

“Sorry, sorry!” Rin hurried over to Sousuke, dropping down to tug on his shoes and lace them. Sousuke pulled lightly on a stubborn strand of Rin’s hair standing up at the back.

“Your hairs damp. Did you lose track of time?” He asked Rin.

“No way... someone called in sick at work, so they made me stay late while they arranged cover. I hit rush hour getting back... there was barely time to shower...”

“You should have mailed me. We could have put it off.”

“I was close to making it...” 

Haru moved through to the kitchen as they spoke, busying himself with relocating items that needed cleaning to the sink. The way they talked about such every day, ordinary things with ease… he didn’t know why it made his stomach cramp. 

Rin stood, ready to go, but Sousuke remained in place. 

“Come with us.” He was looking directly at Haru when he said that. Rin appeared surprised by the offer, then pleased. They were both looking at him. Waiting.

“I have plans already.”

Rin scowled. “What plans?”

Haru didn’t know why he’d just lied like that. It wasn’t as if he could go back on it, now. “With... Makoto.”

“Do you want a lift?” Rin glanced up at Sousuke. “Hey. You don’t mind waiting-“

“I’ll go on my own. Later.” He needed the conversation to be over with quickly. The longer it went on, the more uncomfortable he became: aware that they all knew he was lying.

“Right. Then... I’ll see you.” Rin was frowning, slightly.

Sousuke raised a hand in a wave and smiled. “Bye.”

He watched them go then methodically continued with his chores.

That claim didn’t have to be untrue. Haru knew that he could call Makoto, or turn up at his door. Either way, despite the short notice he’d probably answer and be happy to spend some time together, but... Haru didn’t feel like being company. It was a lie to tell himself he wasn’t lonely, but... he was in a state where he didn’t feel up to socialising, either. That was probably why his instinct had been to lie. Because he didn’t have a real reason he could provide for turning them down. Only that it felt heavy, and made him tired.

He was tidying the kitchen less than an hour later, when he was alerted to the sound of the door opening. Rin was in the frame, taking off his shoes.

“You’re back...” 

“Yeah. Sousuke has work tomorrow and I was starting to get a headache, so... we decided to call it a night.”

“I didn’t have plans,” Haru confessed to him, from nowhere.

“I know, Haru.” Rin mumbled. He held up a shopping bag, then smiled. “I got drinks. Do you want to order a pizza or something?”

Half an hour later, they were settled around the low table in the living area, with cold alcohol cans and a pizza box sitting atop the surface. Haru opened up a can of mackerel and begun carefully laying slithers on his half of the pizza- Rin watched him with a pedantic expression.

“You know, too much fish is bad for your liver...” he claimed.

“You made that up.” Haru accused. He added, more defensively: “And you’re not in a position to criticise other people’s diets when you’re drinking alcohol.” 

Rin leaned toward him, holding an unopened can- shaking it. “Hey... you wanna try some?”

“Is it good?” Haru asked.

“Well… not _exactly...”_

“So why do you drink it?”

“Try some. Then you can find out for yourself.”

The can was inclined toward him, again. Haru accepted it, breaking the seal with a hiss and smelling the open rim, tentatively. It didn’t have a good aroma; like burnt fruit and malt. He took a small sip, feeling the bubbles crackle on his tongue. The harshness of the cold was nice, but... 

“What do you think?”

He must have made a face, since Rin started to laugh at him.

It was bitter, but somehow light too, like he needed more of it to ascertain the flavor. He took another draft and the stale aftertaste left from the first sip improved.

“It’s weird,” Haru decided finally- struggling to put it into words. “But it feels like I want more of it.”

“Right?! I told you! I don’t think anybody likes it on their first time. But, for some reason, everyone keeps going...”

Rin threw his head back against one of the sofa cushions, then went silent abruptly, like he’d noticed something. Haru followed his gaze, to see that he was looking at the sports bag Haru kept hung up on the back of the front door for daily use. There was a recent addition hanging from the zip. A keyring. It was bubble shaped, with a dolphin and cheerfully colored stars bobbing around, encapsulated within a pocket of blue gel. Its design didn’t match the stylish gray and black aesthetic of the branded bag, so it stood out noticeably. 

“Thank you,” Haru said, looking to his lap. “For the keyring.”

There hadn’t been a chance to bring it up until now. He’d found it the night before last on his door handle, after Rin had already turned off the light in his bedroom. Other than briefly on the way out earlier, they hadn’t seen each other between now and then.

Rin shrugged. “They were by the counter. It looked like your type of thing... so...”

“It’s cute,” he replied faintly. “I’ll take care of it.”

Rin averted his eyes and took a drink as an excuse not to respond. Haru didn’t know what more to say, so he drank some more, too. 

He would turn 23 years old in a few hours. He’d been alive for almost a quarter of a century. The older he got, the more things changed from what he was familiar with, and the more scared he became. His heartbeat picked up, and fear welled up inside of him thinking about it. But... that worry dissolved a little, when he looked beside him, and saw Rin sitting there.

Although they didn’t see eye to eye all the time... he was glad Rin was here with him, tonight and all of the times before. He was glad they’d met. Glad for all of the times the individual threads of their fates had intersected to bring them together, glad for all of the memories, and glad he didn’t disappear out of his life. And, regardless of all the times they’d been at a crossway... of all of the periods of silence, the confrontations and ambivalence... no matter what: he was grateful that they always managed to get through it.

It was hard to convey all of that. If he could say it aloud, it wouldn’t feel like enough. So, he wrapped his arms under his thighs, turned to Rin and started up a conversation asking him about his day.

* * *

That night, Rin made a discovery: Haru’s alcohol tolerance was, by and large, non-existent. The alcohol they’d been drinking was weak, and Haru had only managed two cans, but as the evening had progressed, Haru’s focus and coherency had progressivley waned further out of focus. When he buried his nose into a sofa cushion and begun to drift off against it, Rin decided it was a good time to end things.

He stood, gathering up the empty cans. There was some left in the bottom of Haru’s when he shook it; Rin tsked.

“You didn’t drink all of the second one, so how are you this out of it..?”

“I want to... take a bath...” Haru mumbled back.

“What kind of dangerous instinct is that? _No._ You’re going to bed.”

Alcohol had a somniferous effect on him, so he was at least easy to take care of when he was drunk. Rin prodded him up, ordering him to move to his room. Haru managed to walk there fine- despite being less than half awake- but as soon as he got to the bed, he quit following instructions, gave into gravity and slumped. Rin put a hand on his hip.

“Look at you. I definitely found your weakness tonight...”

“Zzz...” 

_It’s no fun to tease him like this..._

Exasperated, Rin shoved him onto the middle of the mattress, so he wouldn’t roll off the edge. He didn’t think Haru was going to be sick- but just in case, he propped a second pillow behind his back to keep him in place on his left. He dropped back onto his knees on the floor, and exhaled. 

“There. Now stay on your side. And don’t even think about leaving this room until morning.”

That probably wouldn’t be an issue: he was already fast asleep. Haru’s dark fringe had fallen over his closed eyes, and he breathed lightly and regularly. Something came over Rin in that moment; he stared at him.

An aching formed in his chest, as he looked at Haru sleeping there. The sensation begun gently- warm and tender- but rapidly begun to feel dull, and sharp: forcing itself on him.

_Ah... I know what this feeling is..._

He clenched his hands into fists atop his lap and stared down at his knees, steadying his breathing, but the control measures came too late- he could already feel the tears stinging in his eyes. He desperately told himself that it was the alcohol affecting him, making him over-emotional and irrational, but... deep down, part of him knew that those feelings he’d fought so hard to throw away… still hadn’t... gone anywhere. After being rejected... although all those months had passed, and despite the fact that nothing had changed... he still hadn’t been able to cut out the part of himself that wanted to be with Haru. It hurt. It hurt so much. 

He gritted his teeth in an effort to stop the tears from coming and felt his whole body begin to tremble. It was so _irritating_. Getting rejected was supposed to be the end of it. He’d gone through all of that unpleasantness from being turned down because it was supposed to put a stop to those feelings and let him move on from them. He’d already made the decision to give up on them, and resolved that he was fine with that. So, why..?

“Rin...”

Haru’s voice gave him a start, and he flinched- only to see Haru remained asleep. He’d half mumbled, half whispered his name, in a tone breathy, and soft... Rin drew in a sharp breath and scowled. Part of him wanted to cave to these emotions and break down- crying until he couldn’t- but he hurriedly begun wiping his eyes and shaking his head from side to side. He could feel his senses returning as he calmed himself, and his thoughts became more reasonable. He was being so ridiculous. He didn’t know why he’d completely lost his grip on himself; he was obviously way more inebriated than he’d thought. Pulling himself up, he closed the door on the way out.

Just an outburst. In the morning, he’d forget about it, and they’d be back to how they were. 


	4. July, 2021

** July 1 **

That morning, Rin emerged from his room to the sound of utensils clattering, curiously moving through to the kitchen. Haru was awake earlier than usual, standing before the counters in his apron. Soft tendrils of steam were billowing up from the rice cooker.

“You’re up early.” Rin commented.

“I’m making breakfast,” he replied. “What do you want?”

“What?”

Haru looked back at him blankly. “It’s steamed buns. I like them with mackerel and fish paste, but... I made a regular filling with ground pork. I didn’t season the mixture yet, so... you can choose-“

It took Rin a moment to understand what he was talking about. “No, wait... you have training soon. I don’t expect you to cook for me.”

“I made it already...” Haru’s energy levels seemed to decrease. They boosted again, as he looked up at Rin- “It makes sense to prepare enough for two people. If you don’t want it, it will get wasted.”

“Whatever. Anything’s fine. Want some help?”

Haru had done pretty much everything independently- cleaning as he went- so Rin ended up only setting cutlery before dropping down at the low table: watching. 

When Haru gained momentum with his swimming, it felt impossible to look away. When he wasn’t being a relentless display of energy and speed... his form was captivating. Rather than pushing through the water, it seemed to part for him, gracefully morphing to his shape. His strokes looked natural, yet although Haru would probably claim that there wasn’t any particularly deep level of concentration involved... anyone with the barest knowledge of swimming could tell that even if Haru really believed that, it was only because years of practice and focus had honed his technique into a second nature. It wasn’t quite the same aura, but... Rin could sense some of that devotion and concentration about him right now, as he observed the seemingly fluid yet preoccupied way Haru went about meal preparation.

The buns didn't fit onto a plate; they ended up piling on top of each other.

“Seriously, how many did you make? This is a lot...”

“The recipe said it was for five people,” Haru replied unperturbedly. 

“ _Five?!”_

“But, I didn’t know if that was enough. So I doubled it...” At Rin’s disbelieving look, Haru defensively insisted: “Its good practice to cook more than needed.”

Rin wondered if he’d wanted to make a large meal. None of the parcels had burst; they all looked fluffy and neat. He took one from the heap, tore it in half and lowered part into the dipping sauce.

“Oh... they turned out well... this is good!” He smiled, and Haru immediately turned away- “I really can’t eat all of the ones you’ve given me, though...”

“Then... I’ll cook some rice and vegetables. And, you can have the leftovers in a bento.”

Before Rin could weigh in an opinion, Haru had already re-fastened his apron and begun working on that, with his back toward him... he really was into this. Rin pursed his lips, wondering what he was supposed to make of it. He wanted to ask what had brought this on but Haru seemed to be enjoying himself in his own way. Dismissing the wonder, Rin appreciated his enthusiasm while it lasted.

* * *

** July 4 **

Haru continued to cook for him in the mornings and evenings, now. Rin adjusted his routine to assist with breakfast but since Haru typically returned home before he did, more often than not he'd taken care of dinner preparations independently. Until now, Haru had been unwilling to spend any extended amount of time together; Rin was curious about the impetus behind this change.

Outside of nutrition and appetite, Rin didn’t personally feel much motivation to cook but he knew there were all kinds of reasons why people enjoyed it. It was a practical process with a clear end result, that could foster a sense of usefulness. It could be an outlet for creativity, or allow someone to feel control. Did any of those apply to Haru..? Or, not..?

* * *

** July 5 **

“You don’t have to do this by yourself every evening,” he told Haru, as they ate dinner together- “You must get exhausted from your training. So, you should take it easy. I feel bad that you always come home and do chores...”

“I like it. And I’m used to it.” As usual, he didn’t offer a glimpse beneath his surface to the deeper feelings, there.

“Well... don’t overdo it.”

* * *

** July 8 **

He returned from the gym, when Haru addressed him:

“I’m doing laundry. Do you want me to wash yours?”

“...Thanks.”

He placed his towel and workout clothes into the basket Haru was carrying, watching him go off. It was only when a door closed that Rin hyper-analysed their interaction. For anyone else living together, it wouldn’t mean anything. When he’d been in dorms, everyone had taken care of their roommates’ stuff when they’d noticed it. But, this situation...

Well, Haru didn’t seem phased. Which meant he was the only one overthinking.

* * *

** July 11 **

Their interactions were far more minimal than what Rin was used to with the rest of his friends, but he and Haru had begun socializing more in recent days. Although Haru’s mood remained tentative- and Rin could recognise sometimes that bothering him would turn unpleasant quickly- it was overall improving. There was no doubt that their relationship was in a distinct place now compared to their past, but being on positive terms made Rin happy; he hadn’t realised exactly how much he’d missed and enjoyed Haru’s company, until he’d had the proper chance to grow fond of it again. It was rare, but Rin had also noticed that- if he was perceptive enough, and picked the right moments- sometimes, whenever he teased Haru, he would respond to Rin in kind and play along. Mostly, that behaviour served for amusement, but it had the dual purpose of encouraging Haru’s competitive spirit.

_Fight. Come on..._

He wanted to see Haru break out of that frozen veneer. He wanted to see the drive he knew was there, inside of him: if only in a small way. And gradually, like the change of a season, more of Haru’s personality was presenting itself to him; the first signs of spring, after a bitter and frigid winter. 

* * *

** July 12 **

Over time, Rin had become indifferent to the existence of Haru’s aquarium. It was so out of place that at first, every time he'd stepped into the room it had invoked incredulity. Now he usually didn’t give it a second thought, outside of the occasions where he’d sit with Haru on the back of the sofa during the later hours, watching him play with his pet. The lid of the tank had been opened at one end which Haru had inserted a hand into. Rin pillowed his head in his arms atop the closed part.

Up close, he could see coral polyps growing on that huge crop of live rock. On top of those- alongside an uncertain number of cleaner shrimps- what Rin had initially assumed were tiny bubbles appeared to be microorganisms. Without the eel in sight, that tank appeared devoid of life at a glance, but there was actually a miniature ecosystem developing; Rin commented.

“You’re really turning into a... what do you call somebody who looks after an aquarium? An Aquatist?”

“Aquarist.”

“Oh. I was close!”

“Yeah. But you were using aquatic rather than aquarium as your base word.”

“It seems like all of this was a pain to set up. You never told me why you took an interest.”

That was likely because Rin had stopped asking questions, at some point: they got along better when he was less insistent.

“That’s because there isn’t a reason,” Haru replied. “I went to a store, because Makoto wanted to go. So...” he shrugged.

Rin doubted that was all there was to it- unsure how anyone with no pre-established interest could wander into a store and emerge as the owner of one of the most high maintenance pets on offer- but sensed he wouldn’t get any more than that, so left the subject alone.

“Speaking of which... is this one definitely a ‘he?' How do you tell with those?”

“I don’t know,” Haru admitted. “They change sex sometimes, so I decided he was a male. But he might be female. Or both.”

He tried to catch Haru’s eye, but when he didn't he let that go over them both. 

“You still haven’t told me his name, either...”

“I can’t decide.” When Rin opened his mouth, Haru interjected- “And I’m not taking suggestions. I want to choose the right one.”

He gave a small laugh. “Well… sure. But it seems like you’re overthinking it.”

The air was filled with the humming of the apparatus hidden away in the cupboard beneath the tank, along with the gentle slosh of water as the wavemaker created currents.

“What name were you going to say?” Haru finally conceded- glancing at him.

“Snappy.”

There was disdain in his voice. “You’re unoriginal.”

“Then what about Sasu?”

“Sasu?”

“Yeah. Like, reef, where they normally live.”

“Or you can write it as piercing, because of his teeth,” he regarded Rin skeptically.

“Well... that, too.”

Haru rubbed the smooth skin before the beginning of the eel’s dorsal fin with the pad of his thumb. “Did you think of that just now?”

“Nope. The other day at work. It fits, right?”

“...It’s not bad.” Haru murmured, then seemed to immediately dismiss it from consideration.

* * *

** July 14 **

There was a typhoon coming in; Rin’s phone alerted him to it that morning. He checked on his mom and Gou then made sure to inform Haru over breakfast, in case he didn’t hear about it elsewhere.

The day was overcast with drizzling but didn’t stand out from any of the preceding ones other than being blusterier. He didn’t recognise the first signs of a storm until past 9pm, when he was sitting atop his bed tapping a report into his laptop and heard howling from outside. The storms in Tokyo were probably nothing compared to the costal ones which had seemed to shake the very foundations of houses... still. Rain lashed against the building and the wind swirled loudly, making the glass in the windowpanes rattle so hard it seemed as if it would shatter. The turbulence gave Rin an awful feeling. Every new bang made him tense and knotted his stomach- preventing him from focusing. He closed down his laptop: deciding to check if Haru was around.

“You’re up...” Haru took notice of him when he came through to the living area. He was sitting at the low table with a tea cup.

Rin dropped down onto the sofa, with his legs up. “I can’t concentrate with this type of weather.”

“You didn’t come out because you’re scared?”

“N-no.” He provided a blunt response.

Haru sensed something underneath, and kept bothering him-

“You can’t sleep on your own. So, you wanted someone to make you feel safe-“

“Please calm your weird imagination down. I don’t like storms, that’s all.”

“...Sorry.” Haru must have realised he’d touched on something sensitive. To lift the awkwardness somewhat, Rin changed the subject-

“What’re you up to in here, anyway?”

“I have to stay awake.”

“Why?”

As if on cue, the ceiling light flickered and they both looked up to it simultaneously. Haru’s gaze lingered longer than his.

“If the power goes out, his setup will be affected...” Haru murmured as his gaze trailed over toward the tank.

“Oh. Right...” Rin had completely forgotten about the effect a storm could have on the electrical supply. “This building has several storeys. Shouldn’t it have a backup generator?”

“It’s only for the elevator and emergency lighting.” Haru's face creased- becoming lost in concentration. “It’s night... so the lights don’t matter and I have batteries for the pumps. The main problem would be the filtration... and heating...”

“I’ll hang around and keep you company,” Rin suggested.

Haru blinked as he came back to Earth. “It’s forecasted for all night.”

“That’s fine. You were... basically right, earlier,” he shifted into sitting position to pull his legs up to his chest and reluctantly admitted: “It’s hard to sleep like this. Since you’re awake, we might as well be together.”

Haru stood. “Do you want some tea?”

“Sure.”

He moved too, grabbing his laptop so they could settle down and watch something.

* * *

** July 17 **

Once the effects of the typhoon cleared, it begun to get humid with fewer clouds in the afternoon skies. Haru continued to train from morning to evening regardless of the rising temperatures. At this time of year, the ocean was temperate and some of his team were discussing going to the beach to practice distance swimming. Haru didn’t have any interest in going with them.

He didn’t have any interest in swimming with Rin again either, but somehow that had ended up happening.

It was obvious that the warmer weather was making Rin miss swimming. During mealtimes, he often reminisced over his training with his voice filled with longing and his expression contorting, as if from a physical ache. Really, Rin only had himself to blame for feeling upset. He was the one who’d stepped down from that path so Haru didn’t understand what good it did to lament, but ended up asking Rin if he wanted to come with him to his training pool one weekend.

The university was private property but it was surprisingly easy to get permission from the team coach for Rin to be there, given his history as an athlete. As they showered down in preparation to swim, Rin gazed out over the water.

“I finally get to see your training pool...” Just looking was making him zealous. “Some of your team are here! Everyone’s paired up... they’re doing relay exchanges...” He glanced back to Haru, batting his lashes- his lips quirking into a sly smirk. “So... which one of these unlucky bastards normally gets paired up with yo- _ow_ , Haru!” Haru had hit his arm. “Because you’re _good!_ ” Rin laughed, rubbing the spot. “That was a _compliment!”_

“...No, it wasn’t.”

Rin went back to talking emphatically as he observed the others, whilst Haru watched with dispassion. Even now, Rin still loved swimming: it was obvious from how fired up he was about the subject. He’d brought at least one pair of his Olympic swimming jammers to the apartment when he’d moved in, too- they fit as if the year between that event beginning and now hadn’t transpired. 

As they moved to the poolside, a few members of Haru's team finished up their laps and came over to inspect the new person curiously. Haru moved away from them all: to stretch.

“Who’s this?” Hikaru surveyed Rin up and down. “A new member?”

“Woah! _Rin!_ Hey! What’re you doing here?!” Asahi ran over to him excitably, with a big grin. He begun to explain to the others: “Naw, this guy was on the Australian Olympic team! He’s the one who pulled second in Haru’s freestyle final!”

“Wha- that was _you?!_ Now, I feel bad for not recognising you...” Hikaru looked shocked.

“Don’t worry about it.” Rin put a hand on his hip, surveying the area. “Is Mikoshiba here?”

“He’s resting, today,” Asahi chirped.

“Even if this guy didn’t recognise you, _I_ know exactly who you are, Matsuoka!” Isana insisted- elbowing Hikaru in the rib. “I’m a huge fan of your butterfly races! I thought they were amazing!”

“Seriously..?” Rin asked.

“Yeah! Holy shit, you won a bunch of them!”

“If you’re not on the Australian team anymore, you can help me out with my butterfly, yeah?!” Asahi insisted. “Or is that like, espionage, or something?!”

“Well...”

Rin had started out rubbing the back of his neck, as if embarrassed, but had quickly perked up and adopted his usual, showy confidence. He performed well in those situations; managing to stand out amidst the others yet simultaneously appearing as if he belonged. He looked happy, too. Haru couldn’t understand why he’d quit swimming... he would never see it as anything but a wrong decision.

“You have great teammates.” Rin said, coming over whilst the others filtered back to their own practice- chatting and throwing occasional glances over their shoulders. “They’re nice, Haru. I like them.”

It didn’t make sense.

Haru just pulled down his goggles, lowered down into position, and dove.

* * *

** July 19 **

Rin gazed out through the window of the office he was sitting in at work, to where crowds of pedestrians were crossing the road below. It was almost time for his university to go on a teaching hiatus for summer break. With its towering high-rises and densely packed population, Tokyo felt removed from everything he liked about this time of year and since he had time off coming up, he was determined to put it to good use. He wanted to get away from this city for a while, to somewhere the air was clear.

As well as making him homesick, the summer always caused him to reminisce over his high school days. Everyone had moved on since, separating to follow their own paths, yet... he wanted to do something fun with his friends again to briefly recapture those old feelings. He wondered if Haru felt the same way.

They ate dinner together as usual that evening. Haru had made a stew using leftovers from the previous night including eggplant and bell peppers, then they'd both cleaned off the dishes and Haru served iced coffee. Rin hung around at the low table, bored- waiting for Haru to finish flitting about cleaning countertops and come join him. When he finally dropped down onto the cushion opposite, Rin voiced his thoughts.

“Hey. How long has it been since all of us did something?”

“All of us?” Haru clarified.

“Yeah. I mean, when was the last time we went on a trip with our friends, like how we did during high school?"

“High school...” Haru echoed, with a distant note. His expression became guarded. “It’s not going to be that simple getting everyone together.”

“Well... it’s summer break soon. We only need a day or two. Even if some people have to miss out, I’m sure we can get most of them.” He waited for Haru to weigh in before prompting: “What do you think?”

“It’s been a while since we did something like that...” Haru murmured.

“Right? It’s settled.” He interpreted the lack of outright disagreement as tentative approval- “We’ll work out the details and timing later. For now, let’s see how many people we can get on board with the idea. Bring it up to everyone in your friend group and I’ll talk to mine.”

Haru appeared uncertain but nodded in acquiescence. Rin slipped out his phone: already contacting his friends.

* * *

** July 21 **

Ai was busy for the remainder of the month so that was one of them down straight away. Rin met up with the other two at Sousuke’s family restaurant where he tried to convince them.

“...We did a lot of beach camps before with swimming so I was thinking about going to a mountain.” Rin explained to Sousuke, who was at work behind the bar- “They have all kinds of resorts there. With food and hot springs...”

He trailed off, noticing that Sousuke didn't appear swayed; he was looking back at Rin with a neutral expression.

“You should go with the others.” Sousuke responded. “I don’t have anything in common with any of them except you.”

“What’s with you..? You came out with everyone before.”

“Yeah,” Sousuke smiled. “But this is different. It’s better for everyone if you’re free to focus on him.”

“When did you turn into a counsellor..?” Rin scowled- squashing down his chagrin. “Look... I think I know what you’re getting at, and I told you before that you’re missing the mark. Whatever you think would be different without you there is wrong.” He looked for an ally in Momo who was sprawled in the seat opposite, messing with some mobile game- “You like the sound of it, don’t you?”

Momo twisted his face. “No offense, but my idea of a summer vacation isn’t hanging around a remote mountain with a bunch of sweaty guys...”

“It’s gonna sound weird when you put it like that..!”

“I’d rather spend my break with cute women,” Momo answered haughtily.

“No woman will have the patience to put up with you,” Rin bit out- admittedly more acidic than necessary but the response came before he could help himself. “So, you’re really gonna say you have other plans..?”

“I don’t know,” Momo shot back. “Why don’t you ask your gorgeous sist- owowowow, ow…”

Sousuke had brought the base of his fist down on his head.

“Nice assist,” Rin commented.

“No problem.” He went back to polishing a glass.

“Neither of us know Nanase's friends that well, anyway,” Momo announced, rubbing the now-sore spot: messing up his hair more than usual in the process.

“What are you talking about? You got on fine with them.”

“Yeah,” Momo stressed. “During _high school._ That was _years_ ago. If it wasn’t for internet groups or random meets and mixers, I wouldn’t know what was going on with any of them.” 

Sousuke raised an eyebrow, as if to silently say ‘he has a point’ and Rin felt sour toward both of them equally.

“Aren’t you interested in getting together, again..?”

No reply: they both kept wordlessly doing their own things. Rin wasn’t sure how he felt about their refusals. Upset... maybe. Mostly out of touch.

Momo scratched an ear. “Honestly, I don’t see what your issue is. Ditch everyone else and go with Nanase. No third wheels like that, you know?”

Rin slammed both of his palms down on the table. “ _How many times_ do I have to keep telling you?!”

“Ehhhh..?” He made a noise like that didn’t compute- not taking his eyes from his phone screen.

* * *

Rin scowled as he removed his shoes at the entrance that evening, all but crawling toward the low table and slumping against it. Before he’d come back from Australia, his free time had been sparse and he'd struggled to keep up with friends. Now, he had an entire summer vacation free but couldn’t get one person on board for a get-together..?

His head had been in his arms for a few minutes when he heard the sound of the front door opening as Haru came in. There was rustling as Haru set shopping bags down, followed by the familiar sliding sound of the aquarium lid opening. Normally by this point, Rin would have asked how his training went or chastised him for playing with his pet before packing away groceries, but... he didn’t feel up to either of those. 

“Rin is depressed...” Haru noticed.

That did make Rin did sit- purely so he could glower at Haru for his flat tone of voice, though he was instinctively acting out their natural dynamic rather than being truly annoyed; Haru was projecting such a placid aura that he could feel himself being set at ease.

“I spoke to everyone,” he explained. “About the trip we discussed.”

No response. Haru was watching the eel’s motions as it circled his fingertips.

“They can’t make it. All of them. Can you believe that..?” Again, that got nothing from Haru. Rin stretched his arms over his head to flex the muscles. “Well. I’m at least in the mood for good news. You were going to contact the other three so, did you manage to get anyone down?”

“No.” Haru replied. He put the lid back in place and stood. Rin blinked.

“No?”

“Noone was able to go,” he clarified. “They all refused.”

“Refused..?”

“Nagisa wanted to go. But he’s supposed to be working every weekend from now. And they told him that if he skips out again, he’ll get fired.”

“O-okay. That guy definitely needs to put his work first...” he frowned. “And Rei- he’s busy with his studies?”

Haru nodded, which was unsurprising. Truthfully, Rin had expected that one from the beginning. He still kept up with the others and knew that Rei was studying in a top university where staying afloat meant dedicating the majority of leisure time to independent projects and research. The one he hadn’t expected...

“Don’t tell me Makoto’s working as well..?”

“No. He refused.”

“ _What?_ Why?!”

“His siblings are back for the summer so he’s going home.” Haru frowned. “...They’re going away together,” he mumbled.

“This was _one day!_ What the hell?!” He grabbed for his phone.

“Don’t get mad,” Haru scolded- his voice raised and harsh. “It’s up to him, so you can’t.”

“This is unbelievable...” compliantly, Rin put the phone back though glowered at Haru. It felt like he was tainted somehow, and everyone was avoiding him- “What’s happening?!”

“I told you,” Haru’s answer was firm. “We’re not in high school. Everyone has their own responsibilities.”

He went off to clean his hands before moving the shopping bags through to the kitchen. 

Rin knew that he should help unpack but felt caught up in his own misery. He was aware they were all slipping away from each other due to blossoming careers, personal relationships and studies, but... had everybody distanced this much, already..?

“You wanted to do something that badly?” Haru asked.

“It’s not about that. I just wanted things to go back to how they used to be for a while.”

Haru frowned slightly- the change to his expression would have been imperceptible, if Rin hadn’t seen it happen. 

“Then...” he trailed off. “Do you want to go somewhere, together..?”

Rin felt his face heat. “I mean... won’t something like that... be weird, if it’s both of us..?”

Haru shrugged- resuming unloading groceries.

Rin weighed the idea in his mind. His gut instinct told him a firm: _no_ \- spending a full day together outside of the clear boundaries of this apartment would be like encouraging a lie. But he also remembered that conversation he’d had with their friends last month, after discovering that Haru had turned down a vacation with them during the previous year. Everyone had told him that the best way to help Haru was to offer support, when he was ready to reach out on his own. So, if Haru was showing willingness to do something, now... shouldn’t Rin facilitate that? That fact aside... he really did want them to spend more time together. The simple truth was that he liked Haru’s company. Even knowing it might be painful, in the end... knowing there were going to be times when he was uncomfortable, or had to cover up his feelings... Rin still wanted to be close to him. 

“Sure. Let’s arrange something.” To test Haru, he added: “Remember that your stamina is only good for a quick burst, so don’t agree on anything too strenuous!”

“And don’t faint in the hot weather,” Haru replied, firmly. “You’re too heavy to carry.”

Rin grinned, and although Haru didn’t smile back, his face softened a bit before he turned away.

* * *

** July 24 **

They'd agreed to go on a mountain hiking trail: finding one within reasonable travelling distance and booking to stay overnight at a lodge with plans to return on the morning after. As long as Haru didn’t disrupt his pattern of training and rest days too harshly, his schedule was flexible enough to allow for two days off; Rin was excited about the prospect of going away.

They woke up at the crack of dawn. Since the climate within Haru’s aquarium was unlikely to change too dramatically during the short period they’d be gone, there was no need for anyone to watch over it. The lights had been set to their automatic day/night cycle, mimicking a shallow ocean habitat and Haru had performed all of the usual checks. As they stood in the entranway, ready to leave, Haru threw an unconvincing glance toward the tank.

“It’s one night,” Rin said. “He won’t die.”

“He might,” Haru argued.

“He’s fine. He survived when I looked after him, didn’t he?”

“That’s true…”

He realised how unintentionally self-depreciating that last statement had sounded, then got annoyed at Haru for agreeing. It seemed to successfully reassure him: he started mumbling.

“We’ll be back in no time so be patient. I’ll buy you something special afterwards...”

Rin tried- and failed- to supress the urge to roll his eyes.

“C’mon. The traffic will be bad if we hit everyone going to work!”

It was a long drive. The GPS reported that the journey would take more than four hours, though they broke out of Tokyo traffic more timelier than expected, onto the wider country roads. With the windows rolled down, the breeze whistled through the interior of the vehicle as it ran smoothly. They passed by crop plantations and fields of sunflowers; since his mind was beginning to wander from boredom, Rin made conversation.

“You can drive. How come you don’t have a car?” He’d not seen Haru put that ability to use since he’d moved in and was curious.

“I’d never use it in Tokyo so it’s a waste of money.” Haru explained. “It’s better to use rentals.”

“So, when was the last time you got a rental..?”

“I went home last year.” Haru offered. “Probably... then.”

“And after I dragged you with me to get your licence...” he clicked his tongue. “You’re gonna de-skill...”

“That doesn’t happen that easily.” Haru dismissed him. “If I need to, I’ll drive your car.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“You’re not insured to drive my car! _Haru!_ ” As usual, it was impossible to tell if he was being serious... better not to give the benefit of doubt.

“It’s fine,” Haru deflected that statement. “I won’t crash.”

“No, it’s not fine... I don’t know if that’s legal. And I don’t trust you with it, so there’s that.”

“Even after we slept together...” Haru murmured. 

Rin slammed his foot down way too prematurely for the crossing coming up ahead. They were both thrown back against their seats as the car abruptly stalled and came to a sudden stop: the tires skidding on the asphalt.

“Ow! _Rin!_ ” Haru turned to him, jolted. “Why did you brake so harshly?!”

“T-that was YOUR fault!” He stammered. “Don’t say stuff to surprise me! I end up panicking!” 

“You’re a liability...” Haru murmured. Then, since they were still stationary- “We’re in the road. Start the car again!”

“I’m _doing it!_ Give me a chance!”

* * *

The remainder of the drive passed uneventfully. The concrete road faded into a dirt terrain as they pulled into a clearing, climbing out of the car- grateful to stretch their legs. Haru was wearing a cotton bucket hat whilst Rin had on a baseball cap. They both applied sunscreen: immediately feeling the effects of the mid-morning sun. There was an information board close by, depicting a large map with the trail marker locations: Rin examined it and took a reference photograph with his phone, whilst Haru looked around them.

They started on the trail. The forest was thick and the beams of sunlight that penetrated through the trees made their leaves cast feathered shadows over the ground- the chittering of birds echoing around them. It was so _green_. Simply breathing in felt rejuvenating, as if Rin's body were somehow appreciative of the fresh quality of air. During the first hour, they came across one or two other groups of people, but they found themselves becoming more solitary as they climbed further.

Despite the shade offered by the trees, it was incredibly humid. Bugs flew into Rin and stuck to the sweat on his skin, whilst others crawled all over him from plants with no regard, forcing him to brush them off. They’d been making good progress until they encountered a patch of grass and Haru dropped himself down onto it, sitting with his legs folded. His exhaustion was beginning to catch up, already... Rin stood over him- unable to resist the urge to gloat.

“Hahaha... you’re more athletic than that, aren’t you?”

“It’s nothing to do with being athletic,” Haru murmured, around the tip of the sports bottle positioned between his lips. “It’s difficult in this heat...”

“This is nothing. It gets way hotter than this over in Australia.” Rin dropped beside him, sitting down.

“You prefer it there.”

Rin couldn’t tell if that was phrased as a question or not. It felt like those words had a sting to them- he wasn’t sure whether he’d imagined it. He gave it a while longer before pushing himself up- stretching out a hand.

“Come on.”

Haru wouldn’t take it. He stayed on the ground staring up, before standing on his own- walking past to take the lead. He really was defiant for no good reason, sometimes... it was good to see that fight about him, though. Biting back his grin, Rin followed.

They reached a rock precipice overlooking one side of the mountain. Trees clothed the hills below them as far as the eye could see.

“We got high up already...” Rin noticed.

“There’s a river.”

Near-immediately Haru honed in on the narrow, blue strip that cleaved the land off in the distance. Moments ago, he’d been deflated, now he looked fully charged up at the distant sight of it...

“Forget about it,” Rin shot him down. “That’s south-west: it’s miles off where we need to go. And there are streams up close to the lodge, anyway.”

“How do you know?” 

“Because they’re on the map. Look.” Taking out his phone, he held it up- showing a cropped portion of a map on the screen. “I took a photograph of the marker locations for the trail, too. The next one should be... um... straight up. About half a mile away.”

“You’re taking the fun out of it,” Haru murmured.

“Taking the fun out of what? Being lost in some woods? That isn’t fun for me, Haru.”

“...Your GPS works?”

“Not up here. I downloaded the map when we were back at the apartment. Did you think we were going in blind..? No way! That’s way too dangerous...” The words made him remember something fondly and his voice softened. “You know, I went camping before with some friends in Australia and even with a map, it was kind of scary. The woodlands over there can get intense- some of them feel like jungles. I should take you sometime and-“

He stopped himself. Wait... what was he saying..? He didn’t think, and had blurted something out carelessly. If Haru was uncomfortable, it didn't show: he was looking at Rin like he was waiting to hear the rest of the sentence. Rin rubbed the side of his neck, abandoning the subject.

“U-um... let's get going.”

They resumed the climb. Butterflies flitted about the woodlands, resting on tree trunk and the sky was beginning to peak through the branches above them more as they advanced. Although encountering a small, babbling stream meant that they were getting closer to their destination, the heat was beginning to wear on them so they decided to rest and dip their feet in the water. Haru had as much of his legs in as possible and looked extremely dissatisfied as he gazed at the stream- as if unhappy that it wasn’t deep enough to cover him more.

The climb really had been a workout for him: Rin could see the sheen of sweat on Haru’s cheeks. Rivulets had run down his neck and collected in the hollow of his throat. The glistening of perspiration could be seen on the rest of him, too: at his collarbones, on his biceps, his wrists...

...He quit taking notice. His own throat was starting to get dry so he uncapped his water bottle and took a drink: the sound attracted Haru’s attention. He came over, sitting directly opposite Rin like a cat: meeting his eyes levelly.

“I drank all my water,” he informed Rin.

“Yeah? Too bad.”

He stared at Rin, intently.

“ _Don’t look at me like that!_ It’s not my fault you can’t conserve it! You always do this!” When Haru’s lips pursed then shifted to a subtle pout, Rin exhaled. “Oh, fine...”

He passed it over. Haru didn’t have to ask, to get what he wanted... he was such a pain. At the very least, it did seem as if he needed the fluid more than Rin did; Rin would never understand how Haru’s incredible speed in the water completely failed to translate to the land in any capacity. He ended up reassuring him.

“Hold out some more- we’re close to the top. And the sooner we get there, the sooner you can use the hot spring.”

Haru nodded slightly. He put his shoes back on and stood. “Let’s go.”

“So, you can get energised when you want...”

“Because I got motivated properly. I’ll race you.” 

He went off... leaving Rin blinking in his wake.

“ _H-hey!_ I didn’t put my shoes back on yet... Ha- _ru!_ Don’t go too far ahead on your own! You’re gonna get lost!”

Hurrying to get his shoes back on, Rin went after him before he could get completely out of sight. 

* * *

“Haah... we made it...”

Eventually they reached a path paved in stone and lined either side by rope fences. A set of steps led them up to a large lodge with traditional wooden Japanese architecture and a botanical garden sprawled out in front. Streams rushed around the mountain crevices, spilling down into a pond inhabited by koi. Haru’s eyes sparkled, when he saw it.

“ _Oh_.”

“Don’t even think about it!” Rin exclaimed.

“I just want to see the fish,” Haru argued. Rin was too tired from the climb to protest so let him go over there... vowing to disassociate if he jumped in.

Slowly, he followed after Haru to where a dead end of the footpath ebbed into the pond: lowering himself down to a crouch beside him. The shapes of koi could be seen swimming through the water, fluttering like festival streamers between the foliage reeds.

He glanced over at Haru- taken in by his entranced reaction. They’d spent so much time around each other over the years, but every now and again Rin couldn’t help but notice that he really did have such uniquely beautiful eyes. They were like little pools of their own: deep and tranquil.

Rin’s gaze went back to the fish. Most were brightly patterned- sporting shades of orange and red- but a few dark shapes could also be seen, moving beneath the surface of the water.

“It seems like they have different types in here... those dark ones are some other type of carp, right?” He wondered whether Haru would know. 

“They’re koi.” Haru corrected.

“They are?”

"The body shape is the same as the others. And the fins, so... you can tell.”

There was silence for a moment, as Rin noticed that.

“They’re small,” Haru continued. “So, that means they didn’t develop their colors yet. If they don’t do it soon, they’ll interfere with breeding. And, someone might take them out, to destroy them...” 

“O-oh...”

Several koi had swum over and were getting on top of each other with their mouths fluttering open and shut: obviously expecting food.

“I want to take one home,” Haru decided.

“No. The lodge owner will call the police.”

“U-um, excuse me...”

A third voice made them both glance behind them. Two unfamiliar women stood- looking anxious.

“Oh. Haru, we’re in the way for everyone else,” Rin got up, ready to move on, but one of them frantically waved her hands.

“N-no, it’s not that..!” She stammered.

When Haru drew himself up next to him, both sets of their eyes followed his movement. No doubt: their attention was focused on him.

“W-we weren’t sure at first, but... you’re the swimmer from the Olympic races last year, aren’t you..? Nanase..?”

Haru wouldn’t answer; he didn’t want to make eye contact. Rin set a hand on his hip and silently observed the exchange.

“I loved your performances!" One of them insisted- enthused. "You must have worked so hard! I read an article that said you grew up close to my hometown! So, seeing your swimming was inspiring!”

They seemed to pick up on his discomfort and became harried:

“Sorry! This must happen a lot! We’re so sorry!” One bowed as she apologised then hurriedly scarpered off, before the other bowed too and followed suit.

Once they were out of sight, Haru spoke to him:

“They didn’t recognise you.”

“Well... I was on a different team. Most people are mainly interested in their own country...”

Rin wondered about the reaction that Haru had demonstrated. He knew it could become annoying to get accosted in public from time to time since he’d experienced that in Australia, but the way that Haru had handled it just now- or rather, how he'd avoided handling it- had been disheartening to see. The publicity from the Olympics on the internet and television had turned him into something of a household name in Japan, so he should have adjusted to that role, one year on... yet the level of detachment he’d shown had clearly indicated that wasn’t the case. Come to think of it... when they’d been to that aquarium last month, Haru had reacted to being recognised in a similar way, then. Rin wanted to know what caused that response but... he knew now wasn't the time or place to get in it. Not that Haru was likely to tell him.

“C’mon,” he broke them both out of thought. “Let’s go check in and drop our bags off at the room. You wanna get some food after, or go around the gardens some more?”

“I want a drink,” Haru replied, as they started up the steps to the reception.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “That’s a good idea. Especially since on the way up here, someone drank most of my water...” 

“That’s your fault for giving it to me.”

“No empathy whatsoever...”

* * *

As the afternoon faded to evening they both returned to their room. It had a simplistic interior with panel walls and a futon closet- at the far end, sliding doors opened to a private bath which used water from the hot springs. They’d barely gotten in when Haru begun stripping off and heading straight for it... Rin rolled his eyes as a t-shirt was dumped in front of him, flopping down to sit cross legged on the tatami floor and go over the photos he'd taken on his phone.

After a while, he begun to shift uncomfortably. He wanted to take a bath, too. It was no use waiting for Haru to finish since if he had his way, he’d be in there all night: that was the exact reason why Rin was normally the first to clean off back at the apartment. There was a large guest onsen downstairs he could use, but he kind of wanted company.

“Hey, don’t take too long,” he ordered Haru. “You’re not the only person who needs to clean off!”

“Then get in.” His reply was indifferent as always.

“It’s small... we’ll be close if I get in there...”

“Just get in.”

Rin shifted- contemplating. That outdoor bath was larger than a regular soaking tub so it could probably fit both of them, but... only just. Well... they’d showered and gotten changed together countless times before, so this wasn't any different: he made up his mind.

“...I’m gonna get in. Don’t watch me wash down.”

Haru gave him a look but turned so that he was sitting vertically instead of sideways, facing the mountain scenery.

With Haru’s bare back now toward him, Rin stripped off, washed, then slipped into the water beside him. He was pleasantly surprised by the temperature. He knew Haru always preferred it cool so had expected him to turn the thermostat right down to freezing, but... it was actually nicely warmed. Enough for faint tendrils of steam to be coming off... comfortable, alongside the touch of the sunset on his back and shoulders.

He stretched his legs, to try and scope out how much room he had- accidently brushing against Haru’s thigh. Rin wondered whether it would be weird to apologise then got distracted by the fact Haru’s skin had felt... unusual. He couldn’t help but notice it had a strangely synthetic texture. Almost like…

“…Are you in your swimwear?”

“Maybe.”

“ _Why_ did you think you’d need that at a mountain?!” Rin wasn’t sure why he’d asked: he only had himself to blame for expecting different. “You’re not supposed to wear that with someone else in a bath! That isn’t proper etiquette!”

“Then go and tell someone.” Haru answered disinterestedly.

Rin glowered but ultimately let the argument go with a loud exhalation of breath. Haru must have felt like bothering him, since he elaborated:

“I've had it on since this morning. It’s more comfortable than underwear.”

“I don’t want to know,” his reply was blunt.

“It’s true.” Haru continued. “And I sleep in them sometimes. Because-“

“ _Haru_ , I said I don’t care!” Rin breathed, incredulous. “ _Seriously!_ Quit giving me unnecessary details like that! Noone wants to hear them!”

Rin clicked his tongue. He was blushing: he could feel the heat of it burning at his cheeks. Haru’s nonchalant expression hadn’t changed but Rin got the sense that he was pleased with himself for the reaction he’d elicited. To start annoying him in the bath, where he couldn’t escape easily... that guy... sometimes he came across like an idiot but there were other times where Rin had the unsettling suspicion that Haru actually knew exactly how to play him.

He didn’t want to give in and let Haru get the better of him so easily, but he couldn’t go all out retaliating in the same way that he might have before. Nothing had been off the table when it had come to provoking a reaction out of each other years ago, but... as he'd become more aware of his sexuality, he’d started to feel overly-conscious in situations that he wouldn't have otherwise given a second thought. Not three years ago, he might have decreased the distance between them to try to intimidate Haru, or respond with something reactionary back, but... if he did those things now, his body might misinterpret any response he recieved, or he’d get something inappropriate in his head. He was left with no choice but to sink back into the water in defeat. Haru wasn’t constrained by those things though and once he’d found a weak spot, he didn’t let up-

“If you’re cramped like this, I can sit sideways,” he started telling Rin: perhaps misinterpreting the way Rin had tensed. “But... if I did that, my legs would be touching your thighs.”

“Defiantly not happening. I don’t have anything on, down there... you might kick me...”

“Its fine," he blinked. "I’m not into that.”

“Neither am I!” Rin exploded.

Some voices called up to them to be quiet from the room beneath. It sounded like an elderly couple who were staying there were also out on their veranda and had become disgruntled by their noise. Neither of them were being considerate, at all... they’d ended up becoming a nuisance. Rin felt a flare of shame about that, yet the scolding didn’t affect Haru’s usual equanimity in the slightest. He looked perfectly indifferent to their complaint- floating half submerged in the bathwater.

“You got loud again...” he told Rin.

“Ugh, Haru... you win, okay? I’ll admit it so lay off embarrassing me... I can’t take anymore...”

“You’re slow tonight.”

Rin glared daggers at him. “Just you wait... I’m gonna remember this... I’ll definitely get you back...”

Haru did something completely unexpected Rin would have never predicted.

He laughed, a little. It was only for a couple of seconds but the sound was soft and gentle; the cute way his face lit up made Rin’s heart stop beating, before it resumed with an awkward thud. Haru looked so serene when he was showing joy: it momentarily dazed Rin. He forced himself to turn away, looking off over the trees- grateful that the blush on his face had already been visible. 

That had caught him by surprise. How long had it been since he’d seen Haru like that..? He seemed to be having fun talking back- Rin didn’t mind that it was at his own expense. He wondered if the clean air had put him in good spirits. 

Haru had lived in Tokyo for several years now so he must have gotten used to the city. He’d established roots: he had an apartment, a job, his training fully funded and his friends close by. Yet... part of Rin suspected that despite those things... Tokyo was never truly going to truly feel like his home. He wondered if Haru missed the sea. He wondered that, because... he was the same. Although they were far from the coastline, now... getting closer to nature had a surely cathartic effect. 

He pillowed his arms over the edge of the bath and closed his eyes: listening to the cries of cicadas in the distance and the soft rustle of leaves. When he opened them once more, it had begun to get dark, with most of the mountain covered by shadows and stars twinkling up high above. Haru was still in the bath beside him and had been looking over, but... not at his face. His gaze had been strangely close to the waterline. It flicked off quickly when he noticed he’d been caught, but there was no way Rin was letting that slide.

“Haru, where were you looking?” He muttered- decidedly uncomfortable.

“Your abdominal muscles…”

“ _What?_ ”

“They’re still there.” It was an odd thing to draw attention to.

“We went swimming together the other week. You saw that." Rin narrowed his eyes. “So what are you staring at me for, all of a sudden..?”

“I thought... you might still be exercising... because... you... were... thinking about...” The words faded; Haru looked listlessly at his legs. “Nothing,” he finished finally- gazing off to the ends of the earth.

Rin frowned. He hated it when Haru closed down midway through a sentence: it made him desperate to know what he’d been about to say. Pushing further only made him more defensive. 

“You are _so strange_...” he muttered instead. Insulting him was entirely the wrong move; Haru went on the offensive.

“Are you self-conscious?” 

“ _No._ I'm _not_. It creeps me out getting stared at by _you_.” Rin was practically handing him ammunition at this point; Haru knew it, too. “S-stop it...”

“What?”

“You _know_ what!” He hissed.

“You’re being loud.” Haru replied, in a matter-of-fact tone: “The other customers will complain again.”

“Don’t act like you’re the one being more of an adult! It’s your fault they had a problem before! Quit working me up all the time!”

“Then don’t get worked up.”

In frustration, he grabbed the one of the towels from the edge of the bath and hurled it at Haru; it landed on his head. Haru must have decided he was on a good streak since he seemed to be trying to provoke him a third time. Rin knew he shouldn’t react so much, but it was too difficult to conceal his embarrassment. There was no way he could ever bite his tongue and keep a cool image...

“I’ve seen you naked before. What are you upset about?” Haru asked.

“ _You!_ You’re acting like a creep!” Haru only looked back at him. “ _You’re doing it on purpose now!”_

He hit the surface of the water, splashing a wave in Haru’s direction; Haru put a hand up in front of his eyes to shield them from the spray. The attack didn’t deter him: he changed tactics.

“Then... I’ll take my jammers off too, so you’ll feel better-”

“ _No!_ Don’t strip!” Rin shouted at him again.

He was getting riled up. If he didn’t calm down soon, the customers beneath them were _definitely_ going to put in a complaint at the front desk... but... when Haru put his hands to the waist of his swimwear- as if to roll it down- Rin couldn’t prevent himself from screaming.

“DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THOSE OFF! _HARU!_ I’m getting _OUT!”_

* * *

Crickets chirped from beyond the balcony as Haru stood in front of their unpacked futons.

“There’s two of them,” he said.

Rin tsked, rubbing at his damp hair with a towel. “Of course there is…”

He’d been very specific about the reservation _-_ not about to let that mistake happen again. Since he was tired out from the climb and warm bathwater, he was looking forward to falling asleep quickly. Still... he couldn’t resist one last dig at Haru, as he crawled in underneath the covers.

“Don’t wake me up,” he announced. “You mumble in your sleep. Try to keep all of the weird stuff in your head.”

“There’s a spare pillow in the closet if you want to hug something,” Haru murmured back- faced away and buried in his own bedding.

“If I get that urge, I’ll kick you, instead. How about that?”

“Do it. And I’ll throw your stuff over the veranda.”

“Haru,” he said abruptly, instead of retaliating. “Thanks for inviting me into your home. Um... I don’t know if I ever thanked you properly but it’s been kind of nice to spend time together again. And... I’m really sorry. For making things weird last year.”

He answered softly. “Sleep well, Rin.”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

They fell asleep in futons inches apart, curled away from each other.

* * *

** July 31 **

Following on from the ridiculous storm earlier in the month came a ridiculous heatwave- the present week was predicted to be the hottest of the year.

Overheating woke Rin up in the night: poorly rested and irritable. He pushed himself up on an arm and stuck the other one out to his bedside table, grasping around for his phone- examining the time on his lock screen.

01:47am

He huffed, falling back against his pillow with a soft thump. The window in his room had been cracked open all the way and the air conditioning unit above his bed had been continuously running, but the humidity seemed stagnant. 

_This is unbearable..._

He sat- his skin unsticking from the mattress sheet- pushing his hair back from where it clung to his face. Peeling his t-shirt from his body, he cleaned himself off then tossed it in the general direction of the laundry basket before pulling on a fresh one and getting up. He padded into the darkened hallway, rubbing his eyes- making his way toward the shape of the refrigerator, opening it up. There was a momentary burst of chilled air, though the soothing effect it had was transient. He removed one of the water bottles from the cooler, unscrewed the cap and let the ice-cold liquid rush down his throat.

Absently, he glanced beyond the counter islands to the living area. Light from the aquarium was flickering across the bare wall opposite it, in an interplay of blue hues and shadows. Did Haru forget to turn the lights for it off? That wasn’t like him. He wandered in closer.

Haru was sitting on the floor, wearing a blue t-shirt and white pyjama shorts which bore a wave pattern. His back was resting against the bottom of the sofa with his bare legs stretched out in front of him, under the low table.

“You’re awake. What are you doing up?” Rin asked, surprised.

Haru’s lips parted then closed. He looked flustered, which spoke for itself. “It’s hot...”

“Yeah. With this huge tank, you’re probably in the worst place for it.”

“It was worse in my room.”

He returned to the refrigerator to remove a second bottle of water, offering it up. When Haru accepted it and started drinking, Rin dropped onto the floor beside him, copying his pose. They sat for several moments holding onto cold bottles of water, gazing at the dancing shapes on the wall ahead whilst listening to the aquarium apparatus. Rin breathed a sigh, tilting his head back against the sofa cushion behind him and closing his eyes, willing the pounding in his temples away. The air was frustratingly clammy in here too, but... despite the vague fuzziness to his senses from his heat induced headache, he felt strangely at ease in this cramped room. Less stressed here than he would be sweaty and tangled up in his bedding, at the least.

“They went camping,” Haru said suddenly.

Rin opened his eyes- sitting up. Haru spoke in fragments sometimes, as if when the thoughts occurred to him, so it could be tough to get a handle on what he was saying. “Your parents?”

“Yeah. With Makoto’s family.”

“Oh… right. Your families are close to each other like that.” His mom often did those types of trips with her friends and blogged about them, so it was common for this time of year. “Makoto was busy this time as well? I guess it wouldn’t be as fun without him.”

Something clicked in Rin’s brain after he’d spoken; remembering how only a few days ago, Haru had told him that Makoto would be returning home for the summer. The contradiction was redundant- the way Haru looked to his lap alone was enough of an indicator as to why this was on his mind.

“You’re the one who didn’t want to go, huh?” Haru’s silence as good as confirmed it. “Well... you’re a professional athlete. Taking too many breaks will be determinantal, so everyone understands-“

“It’s not because of that. If I wanted to go, I could have.” Haru interrupted. The movement of light against his eyes appeared to make them shine with their own bioluminescence- “...I should have gone,” he murmured, as he picked at a tassel on his shorts absently. “But when I think about spending a day with my parents, and his siblings... I can’t think of anything worse. I’d hate it. I’d hate every second of being around them...”

That was... something. Rin was unsure where to go from that.

“Did you say that to him?” He asked quietly.

“No. But he knows. I can tell, from the way he looks at me.” There was a desperate edge to those words.

“You turned down one event, Haru. It doesn’t mean he thinks you’re a bad friend.”

“It wasn’t one. I do it all the time.”

“Why?”

“...I don’t know,” Haru replied, and truly, really sounded as if he didn’t- staring at the wall like he was searching for answers there.

Rin felt stunned. This was the first time since he’d moved in that Haru had talked to him about how he felt. He didn’t know what had encouraged this... honestly, he felt unprepared for it. Haru was worried about letting down his family and his best friend... Rin knew he had those type of thoughts but... for him to verbalise them... they must be really weighing on him. They’d gone on a trip together, though. So... did Rin’s opinion of him not matter enough to worry about, in the same way..?

He didn’t want to consider that. Pushing the notion aside, he did his best to offer reassurance:

“If its on your mind that means you care a lot.” Rin begun, slowly. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be concerned about how the people close to you feel, or think badly of yourself for not being with them. I don’t think you need to worry about Makoto’s opinion of you. He’s been with you for almost as long as your family. So... he understands.”

Remembering the conversation he’d experienced with the others, Rin tried to paraphrase their sentiments:

“...You’re not pushing anyone away,” he continued. “It’s not wrong to want time to yourself. If that’s what you need then... you don’t have to feel bad for that, or like you’re letting people down. We understand it. All of your friends do. And we’re not going anywhere... if that's what you're worrying about.”

The plastic of Haru’s water bottle scrunched as he squeezed it between his fingers, but he didn’t verbalise an answer.

Had Rin helped..? Haru’s continued silence didn’t provide any clue. Unhappily, Rin realised that any other one of their friends would have surely known the right thing to say. He was sure that Makoto would have been able to read Haru accurately and know exactly how to put his mind at rest: that Nagisa would have cheered him up, or Rei would have some relevant knowledge or experience. Compared to them, Rin felt useless.

It was clear that Haru didn’t want to disclose anymore, but Rin stayed with him. He didn’t know if it would help but he wanted to be there in case Haru decided to say anything again. Just wanted to give him some company whilst he felt like that, so he didn’t have to be alone. The minutes ticked on and as time passed, Rin could feel himself slowly growing exhausted: aware that he had to be up early for classes.

“It’s late. You should get some rest.”

“I want to stay here longer,” Haru replied. 

He got up and left Haru there: the reflected tank light shifting across the wall giving the room the partial illusion of being submersed underwater.


	5. August, 2021

** August 5 **

The heatwave continued into August. At some point, Haru must have begun training in an outdoor pool, tanning bronze from the sun. Rin couldn’t help but notice that the shade looked good on him... while it lasted.

That idiot burned himself. He returned home late that evening with every visible inch of his skin an angry red.

“Woah...” the response came out before Rin could stop it.

“Be quiet.” Haru tensed as he removed his bag strap from his shoulder, setting it down.

Rin sighed- adjusting the temperature dial on the cooker to stall dinner. “C’mon. That’s gonna hurt if you leave it. Let me apply some treatment for you.”

He laid a towel over the tiles in the wetroom and commanded Haru to sit on it, soaking a wash cloth in a bowl of cold water to serve as a compress before digging out some aftercare lotion. He felt better about managing the burns himself: that way, he’d know first-hand that they’d been treated properly so wouldn’t end up worried later. Once he returned, he sat directly behind Haru: beginning with his back. When the t-shirt was removed and he observed the full extent of the sun damage on Haru’s upper body, he tsked.

“You need to take better care of yourself... look. That seems painful...” He grazed the pad of his thumb between Haru’s shoulder blades. The outer layer of skin was fragile; he’d need to be delicate.

“If you can tell that then don’t poke it.” Haru complained, before he admitted: “I was swimming. I didn’t notice.”

“Yeah. The water temperature is usually cooler than in the air so it’s harder to tell you’re burning.” Rin didn’t tan like Haru did so he had to pay attention to these things or he suffered for them quickly. “You always get into swimming freely, so I bet you’re careless when it comes to re-applying sun protection. By now, that should be common sense. Most kids know better than you do...” 

“Not everyone is obsessed with their body all the time...” came the reply in a pointed murmur.

“Oh. _Haru_. Maybe I’ll poke you some more, after all-“

“ _Don’t.”_

He wasn’t going to do it- the way Haru squirmed alone had been the desired effect.

“I’m putting the compress against you. It’s gonna sting.” He warned, wringing out the cold wash cloth before gently pressing it against a lower quadrant of Haru’s back.

Haru flinched, despite himself, but remained upright and allowed Rin to continue without protest, though the way his muscles tensed was indicative of the effort it took to maintain his stoicism. Above the waistline of his shorts, Rin could see the pale border of his original skin tone... likely spared by the cover of his jammers. 

“At least your legs are alright...” Rin exhaled. “Although... you’re going to be spending the next month two-toned…”

“If I stay in my jammers then no one will tell.”

“Yeah. You definitely should. That way, you’ll only look barbequed instead of that and- _hey-!_ “ He shot back when Haru tried to elbow him in the rib- starting to laugh.

“You’re supposed to help,” Haru murmured. 

“I’m doing it! Don’t get _aggressive!”_

It amused him to no end to wind Haru up. He was so serious: that was why Rin couldn’t help but take every opportunity he got. Nevertheless, he graciously laid off easily in this circumstance.

“Haru... some of these look like they’re second degree... you started blistering on your shoulder...”

“Mn.” His response was terse. 

Rin avoided the blisters. Despite being intact, the back of Haru’s neck was particularly sensitive: he jolted unexpectedly as the towel brushed it.

“Sorry,” Rin apologised. “Sorry. I’m being careful. It’s just...”

“It’s fine,” Haru faced the floor- “Keep going.”

He really was reckless. Growing up by the seaside and conducting his high school swimming in an outdoor pool, he should have known better. Rin had the persistent urge to scold Haru some more but felt too bad for him to follow through with it. Even if he had done this to himself with his own carelessness... getting through the night like that was going to be excruciatingly painful.

Scorched skin was coming off like pieces of tissue paper- sticking to the moisture on the cloth. Rin switched to the dry towel to pat him down. When the cold lotion went on, Haru flinched again.

“Hey... it’s alright...”

He cringed a bit at his own words, not meaning to patronise- the reassurance had come out instinctively. If it had annoyed Haru, he didn’t let it show.

“Um... it probably hurts to move unnecessarily. You want me to do the front for you, too?”

Wordlessly, Haru turned himself to sit cross legged opposite him: the two of them now facing each other. Rin soaked the wash cloth in the water, wrung it out, then begun with the left side of Haru’s chest: splaying one hand between Haru’s pectoral muscle and his breastbone. Through the damp cotton of the cloth, he could feel Haru’s heartbeat against his palm: the rhythm steady and strong. There was a weird moment where it felt like his own pulse was syncing to it, and he glanced up- embarrassed to see Haru was looking back at him.

“Thank you,” he said to Rin quietly.

“For what?”

“Doing this.”

_Obviously._

“Oh... sure.”

Rin fell silent, slow on the uptake: his brain didn’t work properly around Haru. He held the cloth to Haru's chest for several more seconds before repeating the process for Haru’s right side- doing everything he could to avoid further eye contact. Once the front and back were both done, he pulled away.

“Let the lotion soak in properly before you take a bath,” Rin instructed him. “I’m gonna go check on the food. Do your face.”

“...I want you to do it.”

“No. Do that part yourself.”

He climbed up and went off, leaving Haru sitting there- frowning.

* * *

** August 14 **

Over a week had passed since Haru had been sunburned and although the blisters had healed, his skin remained raw, ensuing there was some degree of hurting involved in everything he did.

He couldn’t sleep in his bed due to a combination of the humidity in the room and pain from laying against the linen, so he wore his jammers and slept in the tub. He’d scared Rin one morning, when Rin was brushing his teeth at the sink and the door to the wetroom had opened suddenly- Rin had dropped his toothbrush then begun shouting about how dangerous it was to sleep in water, but Haru had just walked past him to get dressed.

Chlorine dehydrated skin cells and pools increased the risk of wounds becoming infected, so Haru couldn’t distract himself by swimming for the first several days. Aspirin and Rin had gotten him through the worst of the pain: despite the aggrieved impression Rin tried to put out, he insisted on helping and demonstrated obvious concern; Haru found that endearing and had to admit to himself that the personal attention was nice. Rin was quiet when it came to applying lotion, though Haru put that down to the general awkwardness of touching someone else. Rin helped in other ways, too: he'd started driving him to training once Haru resumed it (though he'd verbally contested Haru’s decision to go back until he healed more) and had taken over preparing meals.

When Rin had initially moved in, Haru had felt reinforced in his belief that living with another person wasn’t right for him. He’d asked because it had been the only way he could think of to hold onto Rin for awhile: not because he’d _wanted_ anyone else in his space. He’d spent so long in his own company that he’d truly believed it was the only way he could live at ease for any extended period- an intrusion on that in its initial stages had been difficult and uncomfortable.

Everything had been drawn out before Rin had come here. He'd been lonely but he’d never regarded that in a negative way because there was no loneliness when you got used to loneliness. Because when you were closed off for long enough, you got accustomed to that and became afraid of a potentially beneficial change, as that distance between yourself and others was familiar, whilst closeness was alien. 

Despite how unusual it had felt to live with someone else... the two of them had gradually gotten closer. Rin’s presence had been an adjustment- one which was still somewhat ongoing- but over the three months they’d spent together, Haru had settled into the domesticity of co-existing enough that he looked forward to winding down together, and their shared evenings had become his favourite part of each day. It wasn’t as if they did anything in particular: mundane, everyday things, but... those ordinary aspects of his routine had been made unequivocally better by Rin being there to color them in. Haru was happy, having conversations where he barely needed to think, which mostly served for fun. Happy hearing about the things that were on Rin’s mind and sharing aspects of his own day in return.

Following on from the evening meal, they were washing dishes together. Rin cleaned- since the hot water and detergent soap could be harmful to recovery- whilst Haru dried them off. The occasional clatter as he put crockery away punctuated their conversation.

Haru had spent the afternoon with Makoto and was telling Rin about the program he’d watched there, which had gone into detail about a frilled shark which had been captured off the coast of Japan. After Rin had questioned what the appeal was with creatures like that, Haru begun to explain:

“They’re sharks but they’re long. Their gills are fluffy. Their tail fin is all feathered. And they wriggle their heads while swimming. That sounds cute.” When Rin grimaced, Haru insisted: “ _Doesn’t it?”_

“N-no. First eels, and now sharks… you have a warped understanding of the word cute...”

“...Makoto agreed with me.”

“No, he didn’t. He was just being polite to you.” Rin mock sighed. “That guy can be way too accommodating... you need to watch stuff he likes too, so it’s fair.”

“We watched a movie he wanted to see last week. It was western.”

“Yeah? Which one?”

“It had a robot. And a spaceship.” At Rin’s silence, he prompted: “...You don’t know that one?”

“As if I would based off that..! Were you even paying attention..?”

Whilst they continued, Haru inwardly reflected on the past week. ...He missed cooking. Due to the heat of the kitchen and the unhygienic nature of being around ingredients, it had been a while since he’d contributed to meal preparations. During the extra time resulting from being unable to swim, he’d gone shopping and bought some new seasonings. Whilst living alone, he’d typically kept to the same selection of meals: all favourites which were relatively simplistic to prepare and made good use of versatile supplies. With Rin here... he felt invigorated to cook new things. Keeping his hands busy relaxed him, it felt satisfying seeing everything come together and he enjoyed receiving Rin’s feedback from the results. The brand-new seasoning canisters he'd bought sat untouched, lined up in a rainbow row against the back of the counters... he was excited to open them and make something special. 

“Thanks for cooking,” Haru said.

“No, it’s fine. I should do it more often anyway.”

“I don’t mind,” he insisted firmly. “I told you, I like it. So, I’ll do it again once I’m better.”

“As long as you don’t force me to eat something disgusting...”

"I've never done that.”

"Then what was with the banded sea urchin tempura you fed me, at the start of the month..?"

Haru had forgotten about that incident until now. "...It was cheap at the market.”

“That doesn’t explain why you made me eat it, first...” Rin groused then muttered: “Who likes those, anyway? It takes way too much effort to open them without getting stabbed. Or _poisoned._ And the meat had an oceany smell...” 

"Yeah. The smell was bad. And it had a plain taste."

"Experiment on your pet next time."

"He wouldn’t eat that naturally because of the spines. But he might like the meat... it’s more mushy than what he's used to..."

Sea urchin was widely regarded as a delicacy so he hadn’t expected that dish to turn out badly- Haru couldn’t help but feel demotivated by the result.

“I had some before in a restaurant and it was good.” He tried to explain to Rin. “Maybe I heated it too long...”

"No, I'm sure the one you tried was a different type. Everything you make normally turns out great. So, it’s definitely the banded species which taste bad."

Haru was unsure whether it was that creature at fault over his technique, but... he could recognise that Rin was reassuring him. It made him feel a little bad about convincing Rin to taste-test it first... a little.

Rin typically masked the fact that he cared with complaints or demands; he had an abrasive way of being kind. But, sometimes when he let his defensive barriers down... he could be unexpectedly tender. Haru liked that gentler side of him: he wouldn’t mind seeing it more often. He caught himself having thoughts like that, from time to time.

* * *

** August 19 **

“Woah. You’re looking better! All my hard work paid off...”

He was sitting shirtless before Rin on the wetroom floor atop a towel, in the same position the two of them had been in every evening for the previous two weeks. His skin had recovered well- pain lost its edge as it became oversensitivity and although still red, the visual evidence of the inflammatory response was gradually decreasing; he was now able to put on a t-shirt without his outer layer of skin being partially flayed by the process. His upper body was currently shiny from the aftercare lotion Rin had finished applying.

“It’s mostly healed, so you can start doing it by yourself after tonight.” Rin informed him, moving through the open door to rinse the lotion reside from his hands in the neighbouring washroom sink.

Haru didn't respond. He hadn’t been able to appreciate it fully due to the condition he’d been in, but... part of him had enjoyed being fussed over. Although he knew Rin cared about him, he still liked seeing it on show.

“You helped me out every night. So, I want to do something for you, too,” he insisted, over the sound of Rin running the tap. 

“Like what?”

“Like...” he said the first thing that came to his mind. “...Brushing your hair.”

“That doesn’t need doing now, though...” Rin glanced up to the mirror: Haru had made him self-conscious. “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”

“It’s fair.”

“Well... just once...”

Rin took his hairbrush from the sink, tossed it onto Haru’s lap then sat down on the tiled floor- their former positions reversed. Haru kneeled behind him- his stomach flip flopping strangely at the prospect of doing such an ordinary thing for him. Tentatively, he ran the brush through once.

“Is that okay..?” He asked.

“That feels pretty nice, actually.” Rin admitted in a mumble. 

He didn’t need it fixing; the brush went through easily. Rin's hair seemed to always look dishevelled but it was just different lengths. It seemed soft under the bristles- with more volume from where he’d recently showered. The brush rearranged the strands, catching two stray ones at the front and smoothing them back into the rest.

His hair really was such a unique shade of magenta. Haru thought absentmindedly that the color suited him: bold but tender, it captured his sensitive nature... simultaneously fierce and fearless.

“There, are you satisfied?” Rin shook his head, and the strands Haru had moved all fell back into their former places-

Haru looked off.

“Really, now... what was the point of that?” He pulled one leg up and rested an elbow against the knee, setting his head in his hand: gazing at Haru. When he spoke again, it was in a lofty tone. “You act so childishly sometimes. I don’t get it at all... being older alone _definitely_ isn’t linked to maturity...”

As if he behaved any better- he never missed a chance to turn anything he could into a contest. The ‘age gap’ between them was barely a year, but Rin pointed it out any time it might afford the smallest advantage... Haru went along with him. 

“Make fun of it all you want,” he mumbled. “You’ll still be pushing twenty-five soon...”

“D-don’t say it like that!” It was too easy to manipulate his mood.

“Three years,” Haru informed him, then corrected: “Less than three years.”

He might have scared Rin existentially: he went quiet... Haru could practically see the storm cloud forming over his head.

“Rin, where will you be in three years?” He asked directly.

“I don’t know that, yet...” Rin exhaled. “I haven’t decided: I’m still looking at different options. I’m thinking about tying the sports degree I got before into my current one. But it depends on the grades I get, and the opportunities around... there’s a lot of factors involved.”

He said he didn’t know but still had a lot to say on the subject, which indicated he was at least considering his options. He always seemed to know what he wanted from the future. 

Rin asked: “What about you?” 

“Here. ...Probably.”

In contrast, Haru didn’t have a plan. He was on course with his professional swimming career, but felt adrift, doing whatever he was advised and experiencing no real sense of progression. He’d thought it would get better or easier somehow once he’d been successful, but one year on from winning at the Olympics and nothing had changed about the way he felt. He had something of an identity in Tokyo but this city didn’t feel right, either- like somewhere he lived, not home. But his friends were here. The university which was paying to sponsor him and allowed him to use their training resources was here... there was nothing for him anywhere else.

He wondered if he’d live in this apartment complex until the end of his professional career. It was generally accepted that most swimmers peaked before they reached age 25- as the benefits of youth typically outweighed that of experience- but Haru felt he could probably keep going for another decade. Which meant a decade of brushing his teeth in front of the same mirror each morning. A decade of going back and forth making laps in a pool, like a fish in a tank. A decade of walking up the same, metal staircase to his numbered door and turning his key in the lock. That routine would be repeated, over and over: the mundane certainty of it scaring him only slightly less than the prospect of his future being unknown. Makoto close by and his pet helped him through the idea, but... he still... didn’t like to face it.

“You shouldn’t decide that so easily,” Rin said, as breezily as if all the unease didn’t matter one bit- “You can go anywhere you want. You’ve got the whole world open to you. There are all kinds of amazing opportunities waiting.”

“Like what?”

“Well... what do you want?”

“I don’t know,” Haru admitted.

“Yes, you do. You’re the only person who can know that.” Rin crawled closer to sit beside him, so he didn’t have to look at him at an angle- pulling his legs up to his chest. “You haven’t realised it yet, but you’ll figure it out, Haru. You just need time to think about it properly. Then you’ll definitely know.”

Rin had a way of saying things where his individual words might not have held any particular impact, but the manner in which he said them could make Haru believe in them. He’d speak almost offhandedly- as if he were talking in a stream- yet his voice carried such confidence... like he knew secrets no one else did. The pure, easy way he conveyed that surety made Haru feel his words more than he heard them- the note they carried wasn’t picked up by his ears, alone.

He didn’t know if Rin was right. That uncertainty inside of him was heavy- it couldn’t be dispelled like that. But... when he was around Rin, sometimes... that heaviness... got a little... lighter.

“My coach organises all the promotional work.” He didn’t know why he was telling Rin this. “I got another offer the other day.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised. Anything good?”

“A sportswear catalogue.” He shrugged. “I told him to decline it.”

“Why?”

“That’s not me.”

“Really? I think you’d be great.”

“It’s modelling,” Haru intoned, peering at him doubtfully.

“Yeah. And you have the perfect body for it.” Haru didn’t think that remark needed any follow-up but Rin must have, since he started to stammer: “I-I mean... I’m talking from an objective point of view! You’re an athlete, so obviously your physique is the kind they’d want!”

It was annoying that he couldn’t have left it at a compliment without finding some way to downplay it.

“I got burned,” Haru said. “They wouldn’t want me.”

“No, they’d wait. Get your coach to explain the situation. It’s usually a day of shooting with that kind of thing, right? They’d probably pay you well for it, too. So, I think you should go for it. Show up, take the money and don’t think too much. That’s what I did for all my promotional stuff.”

“What kind of things did you do?” Haru asked: attaching to the new subject, much to Rin’s displeasure.

“F-forget it... you’re never gonna find out. There’s no way I’d ever tell you... you’d try to use it against me...”

“...That makes me want to know even more.” He felt considerably more inquisitive, shifting to kneel and face him head on. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll find out on the internet.”

“Go for it!” Rin just laughed at the threat. “It all took place in Australia, so Japanese websites wouldn’t cover that kind of thing! Even if you change your browser locale, you’re gonna have to rely on some kind of free translator program. Everything will come out garbled. You won’t have a clue what you’re looking at.”

“I’ll ask Gou.”

“A-ah!” He got a reaction, with that one. “D-don’t you _dare!_ I MEAN IT, Haru! Leave my sister out of this!”

“She can come over again,” Haru decided. “We’ll spend the evening talking about it-”

“Y-you can’t... that’s way too far... n-no..!”

The shorter strands of Rin's hair swished as he hunched his shoulders defensively. Haru felt cruel about teasing him sometimes, since his fight would dissolve if you pushed too much, but the way that his voice went soft when he whined- combined with the rapidly darkening blush that spread across his pale complexion- was such a dramatic shift from his usual, confident self... it was cute. And since Rin never hesitated to lay on the same kind of treatment whenever their situations were reversed, it was difficult for Haru to feel _too_ bad for him. 

His mind wandered back to the conversation subject earlier and he begun to feel lonely. He wondered what kind of a future was waiting for Rin- Haru was sure it was exciting and vibrant, because it was his. Rin probably had plans far beyond Tokyo. So, he knew it was ridiculous to make the suggestion. But... he still wanted to put it out there. 

“If you don’t know where you'll be after three years,” he began, regretting voicing the words already- despite meaning them. “You can... stay here. With me.”

Rin straightened momentarily in surprise, appearing uneasy until he laughed. It came out jolted, yet Haru could sense a genuine fondness reverberating beneath that. He didn’t know what the reaction meant.

“Sure,” Rin cocked his head at him- lips curving to make a tiny ‘o’ as he sighed softly, before offering up a smile. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Haru said nothing- fixating on the floor.

* * *

** August 21 **

Rays of morning sunlight were filtering in through the curtains. Haru could feel them- gentle on his closed eyelids- rolling onto his opposite side to face away from the window. He was in an ephemeral state: on the cusp of wakefulness whilst still in the midst of a dream. Reluctant to break it off, it blurred into his vague sense of reality as he stirred.

Sleep had slowed the processing speed of his brain, making everything slow and indistinct but now and again, pieces of sensory information trickled into his awareness. It felt like somebody was here with him in his bed. He could almost feel their weight, sinking the mattress beside him- he could almost perceive the warmth that emanated from their body as it brushed against his own skin.

Two hands were caressing his chest. There was strength behind their press yet they handled him with care. Whenever those palms slipped down beneath his ribs, Haru wanted to curl in on himself. His stomach indented during his inhale as fingers splayed over his navel, before those hands slid back up- repeating their journey in soothing motions.

That touch... was familiar. Not like this- Haru had never been touched this way, before- but... he knew who it belonged to on some base, subconscious level. The exact details were blurry and elusive but he didn’t need them to know that he felt safe, and comfortable.

Waves of pleasure washed over him. Some ebbed at his body- barely felt- whilst others immersed him whole. A pair of lips were angled against his own. Their press went unfelt- as non-existent as that of a ghost- but he could perceive the quiet sound of a playful, nasal exhale. The dig of sharp teeth, as they gently bit his lower lip...

His eyes opened.

He woke up on his side, alone in his bedroom- nestled amongst his covers. His chest prickled underneath the t-shirt he’d worn to sleep; kicking back the bedding, he reached down to lift the waistband of his pyjama shorts. ...Sticky. A small amount had soaked through and gone onto the sheet. Annoyed, he gathered the bedding up into his arms and took it through to the washroom- scrubbing the stain away in the sink before cramming it into the washer. He repeated the same process with his sleepwear before passing through to the wetroom, showering then slipping into the bath.

Rin had taken an overnight bag out with some friends last night so Haru didn’t expect him to be here. He didn’t feel like putting much effort into breakfast for himself and with no supervised sessions scheduled for the morning, he wasn’t in any particular rush to attend training early. He tried to bring some manner of organisation to his thoughts, as he listened to the washer come to life through the door. 

Lately, he’d been having dreams like that. Dreams were theorised to be a subconscious way of assimilating information- typically, the ones Haru remembered were a jumble of seemingly random things he was uninterested in speculating on. But... it wasn’t difficult to interpret the meaning behind these. He was beginning to develop a different kind of interest in Rin. He frowned to himself as he sunk into the bathwater, immersing up to his shoulders.

...It was Rin’s fault. Ever since he’d put the idea in Haru's head, he couldn’t get it out. Normally when something confused him or twisted up what he knew to be true, Haru would deal with it through avoidance, pushing the complicated thoughts and feelings which spawned down to some dark abyss inside of himself to be forgotten about. This subject wouldn’t stay buried- persistently finding new ways and moments to resurface.

_I like you. In a way that’s different from all of our friends._

Haru had told himself those words were unexpected because he hadn’t been ready to deal with them, yet after the surprise had subsided days later... he’d realised that it probably shouldn't have come as a shock. He _knew_ Rin had always treated him differently. He knew, because he’d liked that and had come to depend on it.

He’d always liked that in conversations as a group he could glance over and sometimes see that _he_ was Rin’s focal point. He'd liked the small flame which kindled after hearing that- although Rin could go for weeks without trying to contact him- Rin would bring up Haru's name when talking to their mutual friends. Rin had ways of speaking which seemed to be reserved for Haru’s name: like the way he’d whisper it, low, with a rough edge whenever they talked about something heavy. How he'd draw out the syllables whenever he felt playful- making them dance on the tip of his tongue. Or how he'd moan it whenever they teased each other- usually as a preface to laughter. Even when it could be embarrassing how Rin got carried away in front of the others... he'd still liked it.

Rin didn’t treat him that way anymore. As he’d transitioned from a teenager into a young adult, those behaviours had toned down until they’d almost entirely subsided. He didn’t appraise Haru in the same unabashed way he’d used to, and was typically the first to break eye contact. He was less provocative and instead of rising to challenges, he’d get embarrassed- sometimes borderline erratic- far more quickly than he’d used to, making it easier for Haru to get the upper hand. He wondered if those were signs Rin was attempting to pull back from him.

It had been entirely selfish but... a part of Haru had been glad when he’d heard that confession last year, because he’d hoped it would finally give Rin a reason to stay close. He was aware it was cruel so would never let it show, but there were times when the way they continually circled around each other made him feel possessive and frustrated. He wanted Rin to be successful so would never get in the way of his potential. Yet... Haru occasionally wondered whether Rin wouldn’t be happier settling in Japan, amongst the people who understood and cared about him most. The concept of Rin dating someone else, too- treating _them_ the way Rin treated _him_ \- gave him a sharp, adverse reaction.

Despite that... when he looked back, he didn’t think he regretted turning Rin down. He regretted the poor way he’d responded in that situation and the _eight months_ of radio silence in the aftermath... but on its face, a refusal had felt like the right and only decision at the time. He wouldn’t have been able to manage that type of relationship then- he didn’t think he could now, despite the change he could feel happening. That adjustment to his lifestyle would be enough to give him whiplash and the amount of vulnerability it required wasn’t something he felt comfortable with being open to. On top of all of that... he didn’t have a lot of optimism or enthusiasm to share, and what existed fluctuated- it wasn't fair to bring someone else down or make them worry.

None of that took into account Rin’s feelings on the matter, which were anyone’s guess with the inconsistent way he behaved. Haru wanted to believe that deeper feelings for him truly did exist within Rin, but... he honestly... didn’t know; Rin had made that confession, apologised then recanted it as a mistake. Haru had no right to ask further: pressing that memory again would upset Rin and there was no guarantee he'd respond truthfully either, since his defensiveness typically made him dishonest. It wasn’t as if Haru was any more upfront, but... he didn’t know what he’d say at this point, if he tried to be.

He listened to the drier drum toss the laundry around in a cacophony of bubbles and water.

_Spinning. Ah. Unending vertigo. Around and around..._

He’d created his own rotations: the days had slipped by without him affording much care to the fact that each one had been largely the same as the last. He hadn't felt fulfilled but the predictability meant that for the most part everything remained manageable. Since Rin had come here, things were _better_ and Haru felt stubbornly protective over that happiness: he didn't want to risk their newfound status quo. And, yet... part of him wondered what it would be like, if the two of them got closer. The prospect made his heart pound so he was almost afraid to consider it consciously, but when he did, his curiosity quickly became stronger- as if to make up for that earlier hesitation.

It had always felt nice whenever Rin hugged him. He wondered how it would feel to experience new sensations, like touching his hair or running his hands over the generous muscle in his arms. It might end up being wrong or weird, but... he wondered how a kiss between them would feel. He wondered whether Rin would do it delicately- careful or rough. He wondered whether it would be quick, or slow... whether Rin would be confident or get so nervous he was unable to keep going. And... he wondered whether Rin really would bite down on him... gently letting his teeth catch at a corner of Haru's lip. 

He pushed his head under the water suddenly- embarrassed- shaking it as he re-emerged to get the droplets out of his fringe so they wouldn’t drip into his eyes. The repeating noise of the washer had stopped, so he climbed out and begun to dry off: stretching one of his bare arms out in front of himself to examine it. 

The burns had recovered; he’d shed all the old skin. These new layers felt different somehow- both stronger and more sensitive.

* * *

** August 28 **

“How come you didn’t wanna go out with the others?”

“I just wanted to do something with you.”

“...Sure.” Rin’s response was stiff; that line of questioning died, there. 

It was a Saturday evening and they were in Rin’s car, on their way to a firework display. Their friends had made plans to attend a summer festival, but Haru hadn’t felt up to going along. Rin had turned them down, too- he'd been out a lot this month and worked extra, so insisted on wanting downtime... though he'd agreed easily when Haru had suggested the idea of going out together last minute.

It wasn’t that Haru didn’t want to spend time with the rest of his friends- lately, it was easier to be around Rin. Everyone was loud and it could be difficult to keep up: he was better managing one-on-one situations. He could have asked Makoto, but... the gentle way Makoto treated him could make Haru feel undeserving. Somehow, it helped that Rin complained and argued back. On top of that, it felt more acceptable to bare weakness around Rin: Haru still tried to cover it, but... for reasons he couldn’t explain, he felt less self-loathing when it did show. 

The exhibition was being held on the grounds of a sports centre: despite its vast size, the parking lot was full. They reached the end of one row of vehicles, trailing up the next. 

“I didn’t expect it to be this busy...” Rin mumbled.

“There’s a space on the left.”

“Yeah. I see it.”

The reversing aid begun to beep and flash on the screen as Rin backed into the gap, throwing a glance over his shoulder as his hands spun the wheel: pulling up the handbrake when they stopped. Haru wasn't afforded much room to get out, but it wasn’t through any fault of Rin’s: one of the neighbouring cars was slightly straddling the painted line. Still. Haru saw the opportunity to lay down some bait.

“These people are worse at parking than you...” he murmured.

He got a bite. Midway through unclipping his seatbelt, Rin froze.

“Of course...” his tone was mocking- “I forgot you were the expert. Since I’m so bad, go ahead: why don’t you tell me what I just did wrong?”

“You’re slow. And the car might be crooked.”

“It’s _straight!_ The reason it took time is because that’s called being careful!”

“I wouldn’t have taken that long,” Haru dismissed him.

“Tch...” Rin’s combative expression turned coy as a slow grin his lips. “You know... you talk yourself up all of the time, but I haven’t seen your driving in years. One day, I’m gonna make you take me out! Then, I’ll bother you and complain the whole time...”

“You do that anyway.”

“That’s it! I’m leaving you here..!”

Rin pulled his key from the ignition- making the lights on the dials fade out- then took his smart phone and begun tapping at it.

“Do you want me to find the meter?” Haru asked.

“It’s fine. I’m paying it with the phone app.”

“I see.” After a moment, Haru added warmly: “You’re a good driver, Rin.”

“Shut up...”

That reaction made Haru smile: he had fun keeping up with Rin. The unserious way they played around made it seem as if they were caught up in their own private world... everything else faded out.

Rin slid his phone into a pocket on his slim-fit jeans. “You ready?” He must have noticed the tinge of heat at Haru's cheeks. “ _Haru!_ Don't tell me you're _blushing?!_ " When Haru turned his head- indignant- Rin started to laugh and threw himself back against his seat: his arms folded in smug satisfaction. " _Really..!_ I thought it was wierd you wanted to go out with me, and not the others... but it turns out _this_ is the reason, huh? Stuff like this makes you all _sentimental_.. _!_ "

When he didn't get a reply, Rin kept going:

"You don't need to be defensive! I won't tell the others about your secret! Probably. ...Maybe. That’s what you get for teasing me, before-"

"Don't project onto me," Haru cut in- annoyed by Rin's exuberant tone. "You're the one who always called everything romantic."

Rin’s grip had been curled around the car door handle, seconds away from opening it. He let go and stared at the dashboard.

“What?” Haru asked.

“Nothing.” Rin shook his head. “...I can’t believe you remember that stuff.”

Haru looked across to him, now. “You don’t like talking about it.”

“It’s not as if I don’t think back on those times fondly, but they’re embarrassing... kids will just say anything as it comes to mind, right?”

“You did.”

“Ugh...” He pulled a _kill me now_ face, his features twisting up in chagrin. “Seriously, _don’t_...”

Haru was relieved Rin hadn’t changed much. He'd never been fully honest from the start, but... it had been hurtful to meet that colder version of him, on the opposite side of a railway track. He’d been like a completely different person: painful to face.

He really was sentimental lately... his mind wandered back to when they’d been children. Rin’s appearance in his life had been uncomfortable at first, but when Haru looked back on it, he couldn’t see those memories in any other way than fondly. Rin had made everything look bright and in bloom. He’d been someone who’d laughed as they’d announced that they wanted to take on the world, unafraid to go after whatever they wanted in a blaze- throwing themselves into the unknown. Someone who couldn’t decide between being friends or rivals, so had settled for both at once... even if it meant fuelling their own competition. Someone who had watched him swim with a grin and eyes bright with excitement. Someone who- despite Haru’s cold behaviour- had gazed at him with wonder and talked about him as if he’d shone.

He didn't get it still.

“Why did you like me so much?”

The question horrified Rin. “W-what..?”

“Back then.” Haru mumbled. “When we were younger. You were insistent. I don’t understand why.”

“So, that’s what you meant...” Rin exhaled then huffed. “Hey... if you have something you want to say, communicate it properly! Just because Makoto is telepathic, that doesn’t mean the rest of humankind can pick up on your brainwaves!”

“Stop avoiding the question and answer it,” Haru argued.

“I-I’m not avoiding anything...” came the sulky response. “I’ve just feel like I’ve been over that with you, already. And I’m always the one to lay everything out...”

There was a moodiness to his words but they were undeniably... fair. Haru gazed off out of the windshield to the deep blue sky, far beyond Planet Earth.

“You’re strong.” He said, eventually.

“Huh?”

“That’s something I liked about you.” He found it difficult to put words to the things he felt, but did his best to elaborate: “Even when you got sad, or lost a race... it didn’t put you off. If you wanted something... you’d go after it, no matter what. And nothing would get in the way...”

Rin blinked. Then frowned. “W-well... even if you say that, now... you of all people know that wasn’t the way things were...”

“That’s how you always look,” Haru shrugged. “To me.”

“Oh...” His voice was hushed. “Is that really... how you see me?”

Haru stared at his thighs, unsure of how to reply when he was spared by a high pitched screech, followed by a bang as the first firework went up outside.

“ _F-fuck!_ ” The noise made Rin jump. 

“It started already...” Haru mumbled. They’d been talking in the car so hadn’t made it over to the stadium grounds... the rest of the world had gone on without them.

“The view isn’t bad. Let’s watch them from here.”

They climbed out and moved around to the front, leaning against the car hood. The air seemed to have both a lingering warmth and a cool edge. There were no other people in sight: save for the occasional vehicle pulling out, the parking lot was still around them- the shadow darkened shapes of vehicles lined up in rows.

Another firework exploded in a burst of color. Haru watched them go up, one after the other, blossoming against the night as his mind wandered.

He’d upset Rin last year. There weren’t any obvious signs it had caused lasting damage, but there were times when Rin was doing something innocuous like cooking, not aware he was being observed- and his expression would look uncharacteristically far away. 

Haru glanced over. Rin’s arms were folded, his head inclined as he looked toward the sky with an unreadable expression.

“Are you happy?” Haru asked him. 

Rin turned in confusion. “Right now?”

“All the time.”

“I mean, I’m not _unhappy_ , but... happy all the time is kind of... a high standard...” Quiet. “What about you?” When he didn’t get a response, Rin lowered his voice and added: “I guess it’s pointless asking that, huh?”

He didn’t want to talk about that. At the mere mention of that subject, dread and panic inexplicably brimmed up: it was all he could do to act calm and crush it down.

Sometimes, he could forget about it for several moments. Sometimes he could forget for an hour- sometimes, for most of a whole summer. But for the most part, that emptiness had been with him in some capacity for all of his life. It was better to accept it because the stress was at least consistent, and he had more control when he was detached. But... Rin had been struggling before, too. And he’d come out of that. So, he knew-

“...How do I get rid of it?”

His own voice was so faint that with the booms overhead and the long pause which followed, Haru wasn’t sure whether Rin had heard him. He knew the words didn’t make sense on their own but couldn’t elaborate- feeling weak for saying that much. He didn’t want to show that part of himself to anyone. But... he felt so lost, and needed someone to tell him what to do. He knew it was unhealthy to cling but there were times when he could be hopeful around Rin, without an edge of anxiety overtaking it.

_Tell me there’s a way to get rid of it._

_Tell me it’s possible._

For a little while, he wanted to get filled up with optimism and believe that, so he wanted to be told those things desperately. _Please._ Command the magic which had once ignited him and give him some feeling back. _Please._ He needed to hear that from Rin, because he could believe it if he said it. _Please_ , and that would be enough to get him through a few more moments without having to feel empty like this. But-

“I don’t know that you can, Haru. Not... completely.” Rin’s words were soft. His gaze dropped down to his wrist as he picked at his bracelet. “...Sorry. That’s not how that works... it doesn’t just go away. It’s not always going to be overwhelming. There’s things you can do to get it under control.” When Haru ignored him, Rin added: “Listen, this isn’t anything you need to be ashamed about. It happens all the time. It’s completely normal. If you’d talk to someone-“

“I’m not doing that,” Haru replied sharply, a muscle in his neck pulling tight as he set his jaw. It wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear- “Don’t try to tell me what I need. You don’t know.”

Rin expelled a slow breath in obvious unhappiness but didn’t argue back. Haru’s chest tightened, immediately regretting his reaction: regretting bringing it up in the first place. He couldn't talk about it. He imagined how it would go, if he tried to explain:

_I’m scared._

_Of what?_

_Everything._

It sounded so stupid. He couldn't put it into words or point out an obvious cause. The only thing he could do was keep living with it. He was an adult and he’d chosen this lifestyle... he needed to adjust.

“This is temporary. You might feel totally different tomorrow.” Rin assured him. “Hey. There were a lot of times during the past few weeks where you seemed like you were having fun. Weren’t you happy then?”

“For a while,” Haru murmured. “Then it goes back to being the same afterwards. So, it’s meaningless.”

“Well...”

Rin begun to say something but stopped himself. After what felt like an eternity of standing there, he spoke again:

“Hey, Haru...” his tone was wistful. “How come so many people pay to watch stuff like fireworks, anyway?”

“What?” At the change in topic, Haru looked over.

“Well...” Rin broke off, somewhat awkwardly. “...Think about it. We both had to put time aside, book tickets plus all of the effort to drive here. It’s just to see something that lights up the sky for a few seconds then its gone, like it never happened at all. It sounds so pointless when you put it like that. But... you still wanted to come here and see them. And this whole parking lot is full of people who wanted to come, too.”

“...”

“I don’t really know what’s going on with you,” He frowned slightly. “But... I think you’re looking at things the wrong way and getting overwhelmed. Being happy isn’t a constant state- it’s never gonna be. But... the negative side isn’t constant, either. I _know_ some days are bad, but you can’t just let yourself get used to that. You have to try and resist it. And if you focus on small things, like how you feel in the moment... the bigger picture will come eventually.”

Rin grinned at him.

“You’re strong too, you know. And you’re ruthless! Look at how far you’ve come. You haven’t done anything halfway!” His voice went gentler as he added: “You’re gonna be okay, Haru. I promise. Seriously, everything will be fine.”

Fireworks popped, in blues, pinks and greens- bright against the dark. ...They really were so pretty.

“So... what do you think?” Rin asked, as a shower of sparks exploded above- “Was coming here meaningless?”

“It wasn’t,” Haru answered softly.


	6. September, 2021

**September 11**

After returning from training that afternoon, Haru tied up his apron: cooking for three people since Makoto was coming over to see them after his work. He planned to make green curry, since Makoto liked it and Haru had prepared it enough times to feel assured about the results.

Rin had bought the ingredients he’d asked for on the way back from a morning class. He hung around with his arms folded, complaining about exams due in October as Haru sharpened cooking knives and gave the occasional response- moving beside Haru to help when it came to food preparation. Haru moved to take something from a cupboard behind them- then froze.

"Oh."

Rin took notice. "What’s up?"

"We ran out of rice..."

He hadn’t put that on the shopping list- disappointed in himself for forgetting such an essential supply after inviting someone over. Normally, he was meticulously organised when it came to meal planning... lately, he’d grown more complacent. Quickly, he went over the recipe- revising it in his head.

"It's fine.” He insisted. “If we don’t reduce it as much, it will stay like a broth. So... we can make it into noodle soup-”

"No, I bought more rice," Rin interjected. “You’re using the brand you usually get with this, right? I put it in the same place as always.”

"...You're good."

“Don’t you talk down to me...” Haru had meant that sincerely, but Rin inexplicably managed to take offense- “...It’s just because I happened to remember you throwing out the packet the other night! You should get a whiteboard for the fridge and write on it every time something runs out. That way, I can pick up more stuff when you need it.” 

The implication of those words was that Rin would be staying here for a while. Picking up the new bag of rice, Haru slowly glanced back to Rin. He had his hair tied back and his sleeves rolled up- his full attention on mushing up ingredients in a bowl.

“I should," Haru agreed faintly.

He came back over beside Rin and was silent as he washed rice, doing his best to distract from the warmth blossoming in his stomach, resonant through the rest of him- keeping his head down whilst twisting his fingers through the grains: quietly happy.

* * *

An hour later, the curry was simmering atop the burner: aromatic and frothy at the top. Haru moved some to a sample bowl to taste it with a spoon. The mixture had several distinct flavours and he didn’t know if he’d counterbalanced them well... he offered the spoon to Rin.

“Try it.” When Rin veered away- like it was contaminated- Haru frowned. “...What?”

“That thing went in your mouth already...” Rin explained jerkily.

“So?”

“So, that’s _DISGUSTING,_ Haru!”

“We live together. Stop creating problems out of nothing.” The reprimand made Rin scowl. “It only seems weird because you get worked up over it.”

“If that’s true, anything would be fine... what kind of backwards logic do you work on..?”

“You’re overreacting,” Haru argued back. “I drank from your water bottle before. This is the same.”

“That’s up to you if you wanna do that stuff! Just because you’re fine with it, that doesn’t mean I am!”

“Just put it in.”

“Fine! At least let me do it myself..!” Rin snatched the spoon out of his hand, dipping it into the sample bowl. “Quit staring... you’re making me feel like I’m doing something strange...”

Haru turned away briefly- looking back in time to see the end of the spoon come out of Rin’s mouth.

“Oh... You actually put it in...” he mumbled.

“H-HARU! I’m gonna KILL you! You’re _DEAD_ -”

He was spared from any retaliation by a knock at the front door- slipping over to stand at the wooden step before the entranceway, greeting Makoto properly as he came in.

“Makoto,” Haru acknowledged him fondly.

“Hello.” He responded with his usual warmth, looking through to the kitchen area- chastising Rin as he removed his shoes. “You’re loud, Rin... I could hear you shouting through the window...”

Rin blushed: face chameleon-ing to match his burgundy sweater. “T-that’s because of _him_... he’s manipulating me into putting gross stuff in my mouth...” he said that in a pitiful tone, like he was trying to get Makoto onto his side.

“You need to think before you talk.” Haru mumbled. Rin glared back, opening his mouth-

“Ahaha, don’t quarrel... that’s enough.” Makoto held up his hands placatingly- withering when they both turned to him at the same time. He produced some bottles from a shopping bag. “Look, I bought some flavoured waters!”

“Oh. You managed to find some good ones. They’ll go well with it!” Rin regained his composure easily.

“Yes!” Makoto glowed. “It seems like you both did a good job. It smells wonderful.” He appeared to pick up on Haru’s uncertainty, kindly inquiring: “Haru. Aren’t you pleased with how it turned out?”

“Will you try it?” He asked.

Haru took a clean spoon from the drawer and watched Makoto taste from the sample bowl- his eyes widening in approval.

“This is delicious! It’s perfect, as usual.” Haru felt a glow from satisfaction at the prospect it had turned out well. That became amusement, when Makoto turned to Rin and earnestly insisted: “It’s not bad at all, Rin. Really, it tastes good! You shouldn’t have shouted so much about tasting it before!”

Rin muttered something to himself softly in English that Haru didn’t understand, but his disgruntled voice expressed the sentiment. Makoto must have picked up on it too, since he turned to Haru- absolutely bewildered.

“E-eh..? I-I don’t understand... D-did I say something wrong..?” 

Haru drew in his shoulders and glanced to the floor- knowing that if he saw the expression on either of their faces, it would make him smile.

* * *

The evening passed blissfully: they all became less energetic and more relaxed as time went on, enjoying each other’s company and the odd bout of calm conversation.

After dinner, Haru took a pot of tea back to the table whilst Rin moved the leftovers into reusable containers.

“You made too much again, Haru...” Rin remarked, before facing Makoto. “You want to take this home?”

“No, I couldn’t!” He waved his hands. “I still have a lot in the freezer from the last time Haru came over and made it...”

Haru watched Rin kneel by the frozen compartment of the refrigerator, opening the drawers to inspect them for space. Between all of the mackerel, meat, ice cubes and food for his pet, he knew there wasn’t any room in there.

“Does anyone live nearby?” Haru asked. Other than Makoto who was currently with them, he didn’t think they had any friends within reasonable walking distance.

“The couple in the apartment below gave us some of their food the other evening. Maybe they’ll want it.” When Haru unfolded his legs to rise, Rin insisted: "No, I’ll take it."

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m already standing up- just finish your tea.” He grabbed the containers, moving toward the door.

“It’s cold,” Haru told him. “Wear your jersey.”

“It’s only downstairs.” Rin tugged on his shoes. “See you both in a minute.”

The sound of the door swinging closed filled the room. Haru pulled his attention away from the entrance- becoming aware that Makoto was looking at him.

“It seems as if you’re both getting along well together,” Makoto commented.

“He’s easy to live with,” Haru answered. 

“I see.”

The bright smile Makoto gave made him feel embarrassed. Because he didn’t know how to respond, Haru added: “The apartment is smaller than a house. So when there’s a second person, taking care of it isn’t difficult.”

Makoto laughed, soft, like something about that was funny. “Yes, I suppose that would be true.”

Haru didn’t know why he suddenly felt jittery. “I’ll clear the plates,” he decided- experiencing a tight, hot feeling like there were butterflies trying to escape from his chest.

* * *

**September 23**

That evening, Rin ended up at a social mixer- invites had been sent out through an instant messenger application then passed around to try and create a diverse group. He’d attended similar events over the summer so hadn’t been interested in this one, until Sousuke had sold it to him stating some of his university swim team were coming along.

The majority of Rin’s socialising took place with Sousuke and his friends. Occasionally he spoke with a few others who had shown up- recognising only Nao along with Asahi and one of his friends Hiyori from previous occasions.

Everyone was seated around connected tables in the outdoor area of their chosen bar. It was busy; serving staff kept darting by and from other tables dotted around the panelled deck, groups of customers created the ambient noises of chatter and glasses clinking. Wooden support beams had strings of lights wound around them- warding off the approaching dusk.

Despite it being only 8pm, Rin was getting ready to leave. For the most part, he’d enjoyed himself up to this point but was becoming tired. With upcoming exams less than a month away, he’d been studying harder in preparation and felt mentally exhausted from his efforts today- wanting nothing more than to take a hot shower and slip in between his bedsheets back at home, already.

_Home._

That was a dangerous thing to call Haru’s apartment. He tried to wash the unpleasant twinge he felt away with the non-alcoholic beer he was drinking, then put increased effort into being present in the discussions around him. Sousuke was telling a story Rin knew about from when they’d been roommates so his attention drifted to the other groups.

“Asahi, how’s your training coming along?” Nao was asking conversationally.

“ _Meh_ ,” Asahi made a noise, then grumbled. “...Coach is getting on my nerves. He got on my ass about reading manga on the benches...”

Hiyori’s voice was simultaneously stern and light. “Slacking off?”

“It was on a _break_.” Asahi stretched out languidly, before admitting in a mutter: “I mean, it’s ‘cause he gave me some kick exercises to look at. I didn’t get around to researching them...”

“Ah, so not slacking. Just flunking on your homework.” Nao smiled over the rim of the glass he was drinking from. “I’m afraid you’ve lost my sympathy.”

“I’m not flunking! I’ve got a _genius_ plan!” When they all regarded Asahi with amusement, he continued: “I figure it’s better to learn first-hand, so I’ve been asking the others. Turns out, Mikoshiba uses those exercises, and he’s gonna teach me after practice. I need to wait until next week when he’s got some free time. So, _there_. I’m getting it done. Easy.”

Nao shook his head. “Do your homework, Asahi. Take too long and your coach may be led to believe you’re unserious- it never pays to look for easy ways out.”

“You’ve got a world record holder on your team.” Picking up his drink, Hiyori took an unhurried sip. “He’s there all the time, isn’t he? Get him to go over it with you.”

The words alone weren’t anything to take issue with, but his tone had been clipped and seemed to drip with distaste: it made Rin stare.

“M-mn. Y-yeah... I guess, I could...” Asahi returned to the previous the subject. “But you guys both made me feel bad, so... I’ll probably end up going home and reading up on it...”

Sousuke picked up on the mood shift- involving himself in the discussion.

“Nao,” the commanding way Sousuke said his name made the other man glance up, in mild surprise. “Is your work going well?”

“Ah? Yes, not bad at all.” Nao went along with him placidly. “Recently, I’ve been outsourced to several sports clubs; it’s all been very interesting. If you’re ever considering healthcare work after your swimming career, I’d certainly lend you my books. Though, they might be outdated by then...”

Hiyori didn’t appear affected by the separate conversation taking place over him- starting up his own low one:

“Is he still acting up around you guys, Asahi..?”

“ _Don’t_...” Asahi squirmed, muttering back: “Look, it’s nothing to do with you...”

“It just bothers me you have to deal with it, that’s all.”

“What bothers you?” Nao inquired, overhearing partially- turning toward them. Rin felt a clenching in his stomach. 

“Nanase,” Hiyori answered. “Dragging his team down with him, all the time.”

Sousuke was the first to respond. “Change the subject.” His tone had a cutting edge. “Nobody is interested in gossip.”

“That’s correct,” Nao’s gaze remained cool but focused. “No good ever comes of talking about people behind their back. A team’s dynamic is a between them...”

“ _Gossip?!_ Are you kidding me?!” Hiyori made a disbelieving sound. “It’s literally the way he acts! Is he that special, no one is allowed to vent about how he constantly treats people?! Give me a break...”

“Hiyori, that’s...” Asahi was startled. “ _C’mon_... y-you know he’s not well...”

“Right,” Hiyori rolled his eyes. “...Because he’s really gone through so much. He won all those medals last year, and became the face of the swimming worldwide in a week. That must be so bad, for him.”

“What the hell is your problem?!” Rin demanded.

Sousuke said his name, harsh and warning. “ _Rin-_ ”

“ _No!_ I’m not gonna listen to this!” Hiyori stared, as if properly noticing Rin for the first time all evening- “What’s wrong with you?!” Rin demanded. There was a dry rasp to his voice as it raised- “What makes you think it’s _anything_ to do with you-”

“H-hey, _hey_ , stop, _STOP!_ ” Asahi held up his hands. “Both of you, there’s no need to take things out of proportion! Hiyori, you made some thoughtless remarks, but you’re gonna take them back, aren’t you?! T-then we can all forget this..!”

There was quiet. 

“...No.” Hiyori folded his arms. “I don’t take it back. I’ve had enough! Someone always comes to his aid... it’s disgusting that no one ever calls him out. Whenever he treats people like shit, it’s justifiable somehow, but whenever its anyone else they get demonised over it?! He doesn’t care about anyone else’s problems, so why does everyone have to be respectful of his?!”

Rin pushed himself up from his seat. He was distantly aware of Sousuke standing with him and grabbing one of his arms, but everything else had faded out. Gritting his teeth, strands of hair fell before his eyes. “You don’t have any fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

He heard Asahi’s faint: “ _O-oh my God_...”

“Haru trains every day to get to where he is!” Rin snapped. “You think that’s easy?! You think mentally that kind of thing wouldn’t have huge consequences for anyone?!”

Hiyori’s upper cheeks tinged pink, but he held Rin’s stare through his frames. “...And he’s the only professional swimmer? Almost everyone here is going through the exact same thing, and THEY don’t take it out on others or deliberately make themselves uncomfortable to work with! If you want to talk about rough, do you know what Ikuya puts himself through?!”

“ _Enough_. Stop, now. That’s not appropriate,” Nao sternly addressed Hiyori: “Do not drag him into this. He wouldn’t want you to tell everyone. Natsuya would be furious-”

“You don’t think he should hear this?!”

“P-people are looking...” Asahi gripped one of Hiyori’s arms, mumbling into his ear. “You’re causing a huge scene... _stop it_...”

“Ikuya gets unwell easily,” Hiyori said, as Rin rallied a glare at him from across the table- “A couple weeks after the Olympics, he picked up a stomach infection he couldn’t fight off. He was sick for days, to the point he couldn’t eat and kept collapsing, then spent a week getting nutrients through an I.V. line. He’s always sick, because of oxygen deprivation, or overtiredness, or low immunity. That’s what all the stress and exertion does to him, but he keeps pushing himself and never complains! _He_ doesn’t freak out at people, intentionally let them down or freeze them out for months! But you want to try to tell me Nanase has it hard..? That he’s struggling..?!”

Rin could feel himself losing it. “Don’t bring that up like it has anything to do with Haru!” There was a growl to the breathless edge of his shout- “You don’t know a fucking _thing_ about what you’re talking about-”

“Sousuke, please get him out of here,” Nao insisted, firmly.

Several staff members had come out from the main part of the bar and were hovering back uncertainly- one of them clutching at a cell phone. The other patrons all appeared to be split between looking over covertly and blatant stares. 

“We’re leaving. _Now_ , Rin.” Sousuke ordered. The dig of his fingers into Rin’s arm became painful.

“Ah _-_ ”

He had no choice but to follow, wrenching free to prevent himself from being pulled- sinking his nails into his palm as he clenched his fists in an attempt to stop himself shaking. Once they were out in the parking lot, Sousuke folded his arms and shook his head. The reaction infuriated Rin.

“Don’t start on me!” He snapped. “I’m not taking crap from you, too!”

Sousuke addressed him darkly. “You embarrassed yourself back there.”

Rin flared up from incredulousness. “You’re blaming that on _me?!_ Didn’t you hear how he was talking?!” Barely thinking, Rin rounded on him. Eyebrows lowered, Sousuke didn’t give over any ground from the shouting or increased proximity.

“Everyone heard- he did a good enough job making himself look unlikeable. Those staff seemed ready to call the police. If you got into trouble for causing a disturbance, what happens to your graduate degree? Not even a year in, and you want to get thrown off?!”

“I... that..!” Rin couldn’t answer, so he shouted: “I’m not gonna sit there and let him talk about Haru like that!”

“Did you get alcohol in your drink?”

“N-no...”

“Then you’re just an idiot.” When Rin opened his mouth combatively, Sousuke cut him off- “How do you think Haru would feel if the way you acted tonight got back to him? You think he’d be impressed? Or that he’d thank you?!” Rin kept silent, knowing the answer. “He’d tell you that you’re stupid, Rin,” Sousuke countered. “You need to get it together.”

Digging his teeth into his lower lip, Rin stared at the asphalt- frustrated and flustered.

“I’m sorry.” His tone wavered as he tried to get it under control. “...Sorry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. You didn’t deserve any of that.”

Sousuke exhaled. “You can’t pick fights over things people say. You’re not in elementary school anymore.”

“I-I know that...” Scowling, Rin drew his arms around himself. The corners of his eyes stung. “It’s not like I wanted things to turn out like that, either..! I just couldn’t stand to let him say those things to everyone! Haru needs his friends, right now. And hearing that guy try to turn everyone against him-! As if he has any idea what it’s like to feel alone..!”

“Come on,” Sousuke ordered him softly.

Once in his car, Rin set an elbow on the steering wheel and gripped at the back strands of his hair. He stayed in his front seat, letting his body physiologically return to normal- not wanting to drive until he cooled off. He felt so irritated: he couldn’t bear to hear those things.

He wasn’t going to tell Haru- that involved repeating what had been said. Ever since July, Haru had been picking up more consistently, not only responding well to provocations but initiating them, being more honest and appearing relaxed around company again. Rin knew Makoto had picked him up from his training today and they’d gone out to eat together. Telling Haru would not only ruin his night but potentially damage his confidence. And... Sousuke had been right that he wouldn’t like hearing about Rin’s reaction. He felt an immediate stab of guilt and shame about ruining the evening for Sousuke and taking his mood out on him- making a mental note that he owed him a steak or something as an apology.

When he eventually returned to the apartment, he was met by a familiar sight.

It was peaceful. The main light was on in the kitchen, with the living area lit by the fish tank. There was the lax sound of the wavemaker moving water, and one of the curtains to the window swayed faintly from the evening breeze coming through. Haru was going about his usual routine. It seemed as if he’d almost finished meal prep for the next day since the kitchen had been cleaned down. He was at the counter islands facing the entranceway, filleting a fish.

“Welcome back.” Haru greeted him as he came in. 

“Y-yeah.” Rin gave a flat response, slipping off his shoes. 

“Everyone went home?”

“I left early. I have work tomorrow, so...” He diverted. “How did it go on your end? Did you two go out to eat?”

“We had soba.” Haru explained. “I got a chilled one. With seafood sauce.”

“Sounds good.”

“Mn.” He picked up his narrow sashimi knife and there was the rhythmic, muted sound of chopping as the steel was angled into the meat, hitting the board beneath as he resumed creating equally sized portions. 

“Haru, come swim with me,” Rin demanded, abruptly. “Let’s go out and find a pool to use. Tonight.”

He stopped- visibly confused. “Why?”

“I want to make sure you understand something important.”

* * *

They pulled up at Haru’s university. Haru’s identity card allowed him 24-hour access to the swimming pool for training purposes; Rin wasn’t allowed on the premises, but there were no other members of the swim team nor faculty present at the late hour to know better. Beams of moonlight coming in through the windowed panels on the ceiling afforded the vacant pool a sense of tranquillity.

“Swim with me, like you did last year,” Rin ordered him, as they stretched- “I want you to race me again.” When Haru glanced off, Rin emphatically persisted: “I know I’ve been out of practice for a year, but I don’t want you to hold back. Come out and give it your all.” He pulled his goggle strap back, letting it snap into place and grinned. “...Like you always do.” 

Rin set his phone to play a countdown, climbing up onto the podium beside him. “Don’t hold back. I’ll know if you do. I can tell.”

Haru gave a brief nod. When the phone beeped, he dove, channelling his energy into his limbs to push himself forward. They didn’t need a stopwatch to determine the winner: it was him. Whilst still faster than any amateur breaking into competitive swimming, the year out had slowed Rin substantially and Haru was composed, standing in the water near the start when Rin pulled up beside him, taking in rasping breaths. It had gone exactly as they’d both expected: Haru didn’t know what it was supposed to achieve.

“Ahh, that felt good..!” Rin dragged a palm through his wet hair, slicking it back. “Hey, wasn’t that good for you, too?”

Haru didn’t get any pleasure from beating someone physically unmatched, but wasn’t going to say that.

“I guess I’m not much of a warm-up for you, anymore...” He appeared discouraged Haru hadn’t experienced a different reaction but got over it quickly, sighing- and talking more to himself than Haru, “I can’t believe that’s the standard I used to swim at... no matter how many times I see it, your speed is still incredible. And you’ve got perfect form. Your turn pivot was beautiful.”

“You could see it?” Haru asked.

“Yeah. A little, coming up.” Rin moved to rest his back against the edge of the pool. “I dove late, so I saw your dolphin kick as you went in; that was on-point, too. Though you’ve always been good at that...”

“You want to coach me?” He drew closer.

“No, you don’t need it!” Rin laughed. When he spoke again, his words were lower and steadier, yet full of reverence. “...You’ve come so far since we met, Haru. I _knew_ you would. Even though I wouldn’t stand a chance at keeping up, I wanted to swim with you one more time. But... I also wanted to make sure you understand exactly how much you’ve achieved. And that no matter what anyone might say, how much time passes, or even how much you doubt yourself... you should never lose sight of that, or let it get taken away.” He blushed at his own solemnity- breaking his momentary cool-headed persona to become awkward- “W-w-well... I’m sure you already knew those things..! I-it just seems like you got distracted from them, lately...”

Haru gazed back at him, floating there.

 _I want to swim together_.

A well of desire which had been in drought was suddenly brimming to overflow. The flare which ignited within Haru was overwhelming- he couldn’t temper it-

“Come back.” He told Rin. “To competitive swimming. I want you to.”

Rin shifted uncomfortably. “Don’t ask that. That isn’t going to happen...”

“It’s not too late.” Haru was barely conscious of what he was doing. He swum up close, forcing Rin to meet his eyes- backing him against the pool edge- “A lot of athletes take breaks. It’s hard work, but you can get back to where you were. I know you can. I’ll help you.” Rin was startled- frozen in place- as he continued: “I’ll train with you every day. I don’t care about training at this university. I don’t need anyone here. They don’t want me anyway. So, I’ll get a private sponsor. And we can do it, together-”

“Stop it...” the words were weak. “ _Please_ , stop...”

Haru stared at the water: feeling instantly unpleasant.

“What was all of that?” Rin asked.

“I... just...” his explanation faded- getting lost- and he turned away as he saw Rin’s frown become more deep set.

“...Come here.” Rin moved toward him, leaning in to wrap both of his arms around Haru’s shoulders- locking him in an embrace. “I miss swimming with you, too,” he mumbled, folding his head down against one side of Haru’s collar- his wet hair brushing Haru’s neck, tickling it. “But I’m not coming back. I’ll give you a better explanation sometime if you want. I already made up my mind, though.”

Blinking was the only response Haru was able to offer, otherwise still. All of the emotion he’d felt before was slipping away, as if gravity was taking hold and dragging that heaviness off in whisps: separating it from him. Something desperate and exhausted seemed to become soothed... as peaceful as the water around their waists.

It felt good, to get held by Rin: the last time had been during the Olympics. It wasn’t a tight hold: Rin obviously didn’t want to press against him since their torsos weren’t touching, which meant he was mostly leaning on Haru in this position. He was heavy- creating unintentional strain- but Haru soaked up the contact. 

After Rin pulled back, they sat over the edge of the pool, side by side with their legs in the water.

“I didn’t mean it.” Haru explained, making Rin look over- “About wanting to quit.”

It was the truth: he liked this university and really did care deeply about each member of his swim team. He’d spent so much time with them during his training that they’d become like a family. But... that was also why it hurt, to know _he’d_ hurt them all and neglected his role within the group. He didn’t know if it was possible to ever repair some of the relationships which had been fractured: it might be too late.

“So, what made you say all of that stuff..?” Rin leaned back on his arms.

“Swimming is harder lately,” Haru mumbled. “But when you’re here, it feels like it’s supposed to.”

“Yeah.” It had been a substantial thing for Haru to voice, but Rin didn’t sound surprised. “That’s because you get motivated. If you really want to keep swimming, you can find that in other ways.” He grinned. “Hey. You _do_ want to keep going, right?”

“I’m still swimming,” Haru answered, meeting his eyes. “I wouldn’t be if I didn’t.”

“Yeah?” Rin tested him.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Haru resolved more firmly, then said aloud: “I want to keep going. I want to swim.”

“Then... the spark isn’t gone. If that’s how you feel, you can get that passion back. You’re just going through a rough patch.”

During the quiet which followed, Haru gazed at his legs immersed underwater; there were a lot of things he wanted to say to Rin. He wanted to ask why they’d both come here tonight, out of the blue. He wanted to know more about why Rin had stopped swimming. And... there was a lot Haru wanted to tell him, too. About what it had been like for him, whilst Rin had been away abroad- before and after the 2020 Olympics.

But he liked all of those things remaining unspoken for now, too.

“We should go...” Rin threw his head back, looking at the moon through a pane of glass. “I feel seriously irresponsible about being here... we could both get into trouble.” His lips quirked as his tone turned mocking. “Although... I guess breaking into pools isn’t exactly new for you, huh? How many times is this, now..?”

“You’re the one breaking in,” Haru refuted, instead of answering. “If anyone finds out, I’ll tell them you forced me.”

“Well... out of both of us, I _am_ stronger. I’m glad you recognise that...”

“You’re _not_.” He was always up for being argumentative. “I didn’t mean with physical strength. I’ll say you had a weapon.”

“A _weapon?!_ What the hell..?!” Rin buried his head against one of Haru’s shoulders. The way Haru could feel the vibrations rippling through Rin’s body when he giggled against his own arm was nice. So was the way Rin’s weight rested on him, dripping wet- yet _warm_. “You say such stupid stuff..." He pushed himself up. “C’mon- we really have to get out of here. It’s a lot for me to deal with coming this close to trouble twice in one night, you know!”

...That was a weird remark. Haru dismissed it: climbing up and following him to the showers.

* * *

The fish tank lights had gone into auto shut down once they returned.

“You can use the washroom first,” Haru told him, as they came in through the door. “Leave your bag by the washer. After you’re done, I’ll put everything into it-”

“No, Haru, leave it,” Rin shook his head. “Just do it in the morning. You’ll be tired.” He started off toward the darkened hall.

“...See you tomorrow,” he said after Rin.

“Yeah. ‘Night.”

Haru systematically prepared for bed, but once there thumbed at the corner of his comforter. He felt wide awake- on a whim, he dug out his laptop and brought it back to the mattress. He wanted to see that Olympic freestyle final last year: easily finding a video on the internet.

High-definition cameras slowed everything down- the shots kept changing from arial views to close ups. Watching that race over a year later, Haru could feel an adrenaline response being initiated like a muscle memory. He remembered afterward clearly, too: the burn in his lungs from being so out of breath he could barely stand. The smack of Rin’s body colliding with his own as the whole world watched them. The way his surprise had melted into happiness, in an instant. He’d been at the height of victory, then: not because he’d won, but because it had felt _meaningful_ to race. He wanted to feel that way again during the next competition he took part in.

The video moved on to show a highlight so Haru lost interest, instead searching for a photograph of the two of them after the race. Many had been taken that day, but Haru wanted the one Rin had shown him on his phone. Finding it, he wrapped his arms around his legs: staring at the bright screen in the dark.

They weren’t ever going to swim together like that, again. Haru still mourned that fact, but... he could finally begin to accept it, within himself. Not because he understood Rin’s decision- he was honestly afraid to hear Rin’s thought processes behind it in detail- but because he understood his own reaction to it, now. Swimming had always connected them: it had been the reason they’d met. That shared interest and rivalry gave them a reason to communicate- no matter how much their paths diverged, they would always relink at various international stages so long as they both were competing. Swimming bound them with a level of surety he’d been afraid they wouldn’t otherwise have.

He wanted them to remain close far into the future because he cared about Rin; Haru had never felt the need to consciously delve beneath that surface. But when he did... he could recognise that the way he felt went deeper and was more distinct. He’d loved, but he’d never been _in love_... until now.

_I’m in love with Rin.  
_

...Yeah. Haru closed his eyes. He could recognise that easily, because it felt clear; that realisation made so much sense of things he hadn’t understood before that it seemed freeing. He was dizzy and nervous facing up to it, still unsure about being with another person- a little lost within his own body. But... it was a good feeling, too: the aching that acknowledgment brought on felt bittersweet.

Of course, if those feelings were to take hold, they would be for someone like Rin. Someone who would stop on his way somewhere for cats or dogs which were cute. Someone who saw the world as a place full of possibilities, where the sun created rainbows on the surface of pool water and cherry blossom trees made him misty-eyed if he looked at them long enough. Someone who made a big impression. Someone who preferred movies where the characters got together in the end, and would cry messily if they didn’t. Someone who had always supported him- helping Haru to understand the things he’d struggled to make sense of alone, encouraging him to challenge his uncertainty and to broaden his own self-imposed horizons. If there was even the smallest chance Rin might want the same thing, then Haru hoped for a deeper connection between them, so there didn’t have to be years, months or even weeks without contact, again. He wanted to support Rin in any way he could... and he wondered about how things might change, if they became closer. Even if they mostly stayed the same as the past four months... that would be enough.

He had so much to think about. Rin was in the next room- across the hall- but he felt an immense distance away. Haru closed down his laptop and lay back against his bedding.

The panicked sense of being stuck and isolated whenever he thought about his future- in these moments- wasn’t there. It was as if the lid on a box he’d been trapped inside had been removed, and- instead of just knowing they were there- he could now _see_ the endless possibilities and directions which existed outside of it. Staring up at the dark ceiling of his bedroom, he could imagine it vanishing- visualising the shining stars and open universe which awaited beyond. Pragmatically, nothing about either of their situations had changed. But he felt settled.

* * *

**September 24**

“Hey... Haru.”

Ikuya’s tone was serious. Asahi was standing beside him with his arms folded and his lips pulled in.

“Hi.” Haru stopped, standing before the pair.

He’d finished up swimming practice for the afternoon and had only gotten as far out of his university campus as the main gate when he’d spotted those two hanging around- murmuring in hushed voices until he’d approached. The fact it seemed they’d been waiting for _him_ made Haru reluctant to engage.

Ikuya took a deep breath. “Listen, I wanted to talk to you for a minute. I wanted to know if you heard anything about how it went at the meet-up last night?”

Getting ambushed like this... he wondered if they were both upset with him for not attending any of the social events during this summer, and were calling him out for it directly. Maybe they considered his unresponsiveness in that instance to be the last straw and were here to disassociate. Whatever the reason, their stiff body language indicated it wasn’t positive; his response was evasive.

“I heard about it,” he admitted, uncomfortably.

“So, someone... told you?” Asahi pressed. 

“Yeah.” When their inquiring looks prompted further: “Rin...”

Both seemed immediately horrified- physically recoiling, as if stuck. Their strong reactions startled him, too-

“Haru, you need to understand that Hiyori doesn’t speak for me, okay? I heard about what he said,” Ikuya asserted. “It was completely out of line. I’m mad at him too, for revealing those private things about me. I’d _never_ want him to act the way he did...” he stopped- noticing the steady, cautionary way Haru was continuing to regard him. “You don’t… know what I’m talking about, do you?” Ikuya realised slowly. 

“...I don’t.” It sounded like there had been an argument- Haru didn’t know why he was being dragged into it. He didn’t want to get involved but asked warily: “Did something happen?”

“N-no, it’s... never mind.” Ikuya’s voice was faint.

Asahi’s brows raised. “W-wait... if he wasn’t telling you about what happened... how come Rin was talking to you, after he left? It was _late_...”

“He...” Haru wouldn’t know where to begin explaining last night, even if it _was_ something he’d willingly share. He looked to the sidewalk- feeling his cheeks heat remembering the realisation he’d experienced following it. “...It doesn’t matter.”

“ _Okay_...” Ikuya tapered off. 

Those two exchanged a look with each other.

Asahi frowned. “Now that I’m thinking ‘bout it... that guy dropped you off a few mornings after you got burned last month. I guess you two got closer to each other, lately...” 

“Did you want something else?” Haru asked them. 

“N-nah... that was all. We’ll let you go.” Asahi mumbled.

“It was good to see you.” He spoke to Ikuya directly.

It had been an inexcusably long time since they’d spoken face to face- not since any Olympic related proceedings where it was a requirement- and Haru knew all too well that was his own fault. He had a backlog of unread messages and unanswered calls he’d ignored... even knowing some of the others wanted to reach him. He’d never meant it personally, neither did he want to upset or frustrate people- putting distance between himself and those close to him had been supposed to have the opposite effect. For some time, everything had been overwhelming so he’d put off communication until it felt manageable... yet paradoxically, the longer he’d left reaching out, the harder it had become.

“Oh... of course...” Ikuya seemed at a loss for how to react. He swept a curtain of hair back from the eye it was covering, and smiled pleasantly. “...It honestly has been forever. We should all meet up with Makoto, sometime. I’ll get Asahi to drag you out.”

“Yeah.” His own smile came easily. “See you both later.”

Their expressions were puzzled as he went off, as if they’d expected a different reaction. Had he really been so awful that even now, he was treated with that level of caution? Unhappiness twisted up his stomach.

Things were better now, though. Less dim. He was starting to become more conscious of the world around him, and felt like he could finally begin to get enthused about things he was supposed to, once more. He would definitely make it up to everyone and explain as best as he could once he felt back on their wavelength.

The bubble-shaped, dolphin keychain Rin had bought him for his birthday bumped against Haru’s sports bag canvas as he jogged. He wondered how Rin’s day had been.

He was looking forward to hearing about it.

* * *

**September 26**

A vacuum-sealed packet of fish fell out as Rin opened the refrigerator door, landing on the floor. He picked it up, then froze for a second, to stare. The entire inner compartment had been stuffed full of sealed packets of fish. Poking his head out, he looked through to the living area. Haru was sitting on the back of the sofa, with the lid of the fish tank open and a hand in there- giving that eel head pats.

“What is all this?” Rin asked.

“Atlantic mackerel.” The reply came without looking up. “Fresh ones are going out of season.”

“That’s probably because of the rate you eat them...” Rin muttered under his breath.

He peeked beneath the shelves. An opened block of tofu, containers of diced vegetables, a carton of milk... everything usually neatly arranged was now squashed between packets of fish. Rifling in between them, Rin begrudgingly had to admit that the amount Haru had hoarded- and the tight way they were all crammed in- was a little impressive.

“Did you carry these back from the supermarket yourself? You should have called me. I would have picked you up in the car,” he called through to Haru as he continued to search. Makoto had probably helped him during one of their regular shopping trips, but, still.

Rin eventually managed to dig out the can of cola he’d been looking for then put everything back without an avalanche of fish raining down on him. Closing the refrigerator door, he dropped down on the sofa and opened up the textbook stuffed under his arm: intending to make a start on pre-reading for his next seminar.

He got half a paragraph in, before his gaze crept up to Haru.

That moray eel was letting Haru brush his fingers against the side of its body- when Haru lifted his hand out, it drifted closer to the water surface, giving Rin a clear view of it from his current position. It freaked Rin out floating near the open part of the lid... begging for food in its own terrifying way. Haru had told him before it needed to keep opening its mouth to let water reach its gills and breathe, but the way it constantly snapped its primary jaws around still looked incredibly threatening to Rin. As usual, Haru was enamoured with it.

There was a tub of raw mackerel pieces atop the closed lid section- Haru removed part of a tail fin and lowered it into the water. The eel picked it up between its teeth broad side first, then shook its head up and down in an aggressive fashion... slowly wriggling the fins to rotate them so it could stretch its mouth around the whole piece. 

“You’re clever.” Haru told it.

“You shouldn’t encourage him to swim up near the top like that...” Rin murmured.

“He loves mackerel. He always wants more.”

“Well, you spoil him. He’s going to turn out entitled.”

It was probably too late for that, already... it was no wonder why that eel always emerged from its rock castle whenever it knew Haru was in the room- Rin only hoped the pampered treatment wouldn’t make it assertive and hostile. He still hated that Haru handled it, though Rin couldn’t exactly stop him: he only had himself to blame if it bit him. 

Discontented, Rin returned to his book.

“That’s enough,” Haru was saying. “The rest belongs to humans.”

That eel continued to float near the water surface even after the lid had been closed: Haru watched it, looking pleased.

“Such a weird pair...”

“Rin-chan’s hungry, as well. That’s why he’s talking back.”

Rin had been muttering to himself so wasn’t prepared for a comeback- caught off guard, he flushed. “Don’t talk about me like I’m another one of your weird pets. That gives me the creeps.”

“Do you want some? I’ll feed it to you.” Haru leaned over the back of the sofa, with an extra strip of mackerel.

“That’s raw! Get it away from me! _HARU!_ ” Rin screamed as the slither was dangled in his face. He scrambled back into a corner of the sofa, glaring. “If that gets close to my face again, I’ll bite you...”

“You can’t call my eel dangerous when you say things like that.”

“Oh, save it...”

“Then do you want something spicy instead?”

Rin huffed, drawing his arms around his legs as Haru went away. Haru was more at ease in recent weeks, now comfortable with them being in each other’s personal space: it appeared as if things had reverted to how they’d been before Rin’s confession last year. That was what Rin had wanted, so he should be happy. But... thinking about it gave him an acrid taste in his mouth. 

His heartbeat had picked up unexpectedly when Haru had leaned in close; Rin had been hyper-aware of small details, like the streamlined curve of Haru’s neck, the wave-like arch of his collarbones... the faint scent of chlorine from his training earlier clinging to his hair. A rush of heat had come over him, sweeping downwards... a completely inappropriate response.

He was too on edge to do something as habitual for them as messing around. He’d gotten too comfortable living like this and was hopelessly starting to want _more._ He was going to ruin everything again- he knew it. If he didn’t end up blurting out the truth in the heat of a moment, he was surely going to let it show in some other awful, unwanted way which would shock Haru and push them both apart... maybe indefinitely, this time. He was so scared to go through the same experience as last year.

Shaking away those thoughts before Haru noticed anything- and taking a quick breath to regain his composure- Rin closed his book to get up and help with dinner preparations. Haru looked so contented as he noticed him coming over.

For a little longer, he could keep trying to lie to them both.

* * *

**September 28**

Rin was on his usual, nightly run around the residential area. The luminous yellow strip on his polyester leggings winked in passing car headlights; as he started up a hill, he noticed a figure in running gear making their way down- surprised when he recognised them. They stopped before him but were too breathless to offer a greeting- their attempt coming out between pants.

“Hahh... he... y...” Ikuya clutched his stomach- then splayed his hands on his thighs.

“You need to drink.” Rin advised. 

“It... ran out... a while ago...”

Rin took Ikuya’s sports bottle out from under his arm whilst he was still doubled over, unscrewed the cap of his own and poured half into it. This situation distantly reminded him of someone else. ...Someone who was a pain about conserving their own water. Someone who- whenever they went out together- wanted to drink it all on the first quarter of the route, then would put on a defiant attitude until Rin surrendered his own.

After being handed back the bottle, Ikuya took a drink and beamed. “...Thanks!”

Rin smiled, sociably. “It’s good to see you. What are you doing around here..?”

His university was some way off- this was the first time Rin had seen him on this route. The last time they’d met in person had been at that post-Olympic gala last August, and he seemed exactly as Rin remembered: soft-spoken, with an air of being simultaneously amiable and reserved.

“I’m staying with a friend.” When Ikuya gazed back, his eyes seemed to bore into Rin. “What about you? You’re not studying further off?”

“Yeah, but I drive. I’m living in one of the blocks at the top of the hill.”

“O-oh. _Right_...” Ikuya faltered- it took Rin a moment to realise why. He hadn’t thought before he’d spoken but... he’d indicated the area with Haru’s apartment. Well... it wasn’t exactly a secret.

Ikuya’s tone flattened when he spoke again- continuing to meet Rin’s gaze, levelly. “May I ask you a personal question?”

“...Sure.” He felt like he already knew what it was.

“Are you and Haru a couple?”

He’d been braced so didn’t have the same over-the-top reaction as usual, but the blunt question was still jarring. “Um... I hear that a lot. But honestly, there is nothing between me and him. We’re both focused on our own things.”

For once, someone seemed to actually believe him. “I’m sorry. It was rude to jump to conclusions.”

“Is there some reason you asked that?”

“Not really.” The slight, upwards curve of his lips made Rin frown, but Ikuya changed the subject abruptly- “I heard about what happened with Hiyori the other night. I’m really sorry you had to deal with that.”

Rin was careful not to insult one of his friends. “He’s wrong about Haru."

“I know. And, I’ll take responsibility. I don’t think the two of them have spoken for a while, so everything that Hiyori knows about Haru recently, he heard from me.” Ikuya's long eyelashes swept dowward as he looked to the sidewalk. “Last year, I confided in him privately about some of the things which happened between the Japanese Olympic team during times when I was stressed, and Hiyori must have made his own assumptions based on that. He doesn’t have the full picture. And it wasn’t his place to speak on the subject. It was misguided, but he really was acting out of care for me and Asahi. He’s not a bad person at all, Rin. I sincerely hope everyone can make up at some point.”

Rin dragged the tip of one shoe along the ground- not ready to go that far yet. “I definitely overreacted,” he conceded. “And I’m sorry, too. About... last year. I had no idea what was going on with you-”

“Huh..? _Oh!_ No, it’s okay.” He’d been confused about what Rin was referring to until comprehension dawned- he gave a tiny shake of his head. “I have a history of health issues, so I get unwell all the time. I’m used to it.” Ikuya’s voice became hushed. “...You were right to get angry. Hiyori was being unfair. His physical health may be fine, but everyone can tell... Haru is… definitely… going through… something…”

Rin stuffed his hands into his jersey pockets, stretching out the lining- unsure how appropriate it was to get into this. Being respectful of Haru’s privacy meant not intruding on personal matters: he didn’t have any right to know things about Haru he’d chosen not to share. Yet... Rin couldn’t bring himself to shut the conversation down.

“Rin.” Ikuya’s slate gray hair fell to one side, concealing an eye as his head titled. “...Do you know what it’s like to be in a state of chronic stress? Humans have a capacity for how much they can deal with at once. When you’re constantly overwhelmed, you always feel as if you can’t take anymore. Because of that, like a droplet in a bucket of water that’s already filled up to the brim, even the smallest thing which can look minor to people on the outside can cause an overflow and result in a big, negative reaction.”

“...Yeah. I know.”

“I was on the Olympic team with Haru last year, so we were close for a while.” Ikuya begun to explain. He stretched his own jersey sleeve cuffs down to cover his fingertips, then wrapped his arms around his waist- gazing off across the road, at a tangle of telephone wires with crows perched atop them. “...I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what the pressure of that situation is like. Everyone was exhausted and had their emotions running high. But Haru, in particular... took it badly.”

“In all of his international races up to that point, Haru had done really well, but he hadn’t been professionally trained for that long, so he wasn’t anywhere near his peak. The longer he trained, the better he got until six months before the Olympics, he was already consistently beating world records by substantial amounts in practice. That got our team coach excited; he knew Japan had an advantage which would seem to come out of nowhere.”

“All kinds of personnel got involved, from people in marketing to management. I honestly do think they believed they were acting in Haru’s benefit at first, but... they just started treating him like a product, giving him huge amounts of celebrity treatment and pushing their expectations onto him. They tried to get him to sign into all kinds of contracts, and had him in the middle of a bunch of arguments about things like whether to give interviews prematurely to drum up early interest from larger sponsors. They wanted him in as many races as possible and he was spending all his rest days working with them. He got singled out from all of us, too. He’d constantly be pulled away from practice or asked to stay late and attend meetings in front of us all. Magazine articles and TV interviews started coming out, where the only member of the team spoken about was him.”

“Everyone was glad, but there was some frustration, too, because we were all running ourselves into the ground, yet it seemed like he was the only one getting noticed. As for Haru... none of us realised back then how much he was struggling: he never came out and expressed that. He just... kept going and went along with whatever they said. He stopped socialising and started looking tired all of the time, but... we were all like that, you know?”

“Then, a couple of our teammates made stupid comments... they said they felt useless, and like there was no need to have a Japanese team with Haru there. Haru overheard and ran out- he disappeared for three days straight. A couple of us went over to his accommodation, but if he was in there, we couldn’t get him to answer. Our coach was going crazy and we were about to call the police to check on him... but the next day, he showed up at practice. He insisted that he was commissioning his private coach to manage all his promotional work, not anyone else. And that the only races he’d take part in were freestyle ones.” 

_Haru..._

“After that, he started getting further apart from everyone. Mostly, he was cold and would do stuff like walk away in the middle of people talking. There were a few fights, but one huge one.”

“One of our team members confronted him, saying that no one else would get away with acting how he did, accusing him of getting different treatment because of his times. It escalated- really quickly- Haru broke a mirror and kicked over a bench. Asahi ran over to try and calm him down, but Haru turned and started screaming at him out of nowhere. Other than shoving Asahi off when he tried to grab him, he didn’t do anything else physical, but... I really thought he was going to hit out, Rin- he completely lost it. I have to be honest, it scared me, too. I didn’t even know he could get angry like that...”

“Haru’s not himself,” was all Rin could mumble. He felt so upset; he wished he’d never heard any of that- unable to reconcile it with the person he knew. He hadn’t known that level of conflict existed between Haru and everyone else... nor that Haru had spent so long in that negative mindset. He’d assumed it was something brought on by a comedown from the Olympics, but kept finding out it went further and further back.

“I know.” Ikuya gently replied. “I can tell this is hard for you. It’s just... there are two sides to everything, aren’t there? I know he doesn’t intend it, but... he’s causing suffering for the people around him. Asahi said there are days where he won’t speak to anyone on his team- that creates tension for everyone there; he gets upset with them sometimes for the smallest things. And Makoto never lets it show around Haru so he probably has no idea, but there were times last year where he couldn’t reach Haru and looked sick from worry, or like he’d lost sleep. He had to go into work like that, Rin. ...At some point, Haru has to take responsibility for his own wellbeing and learn to manage when he’s struggling. There’s no shame in having someone who knows what they’re talking about help him through that process.”

“Haru would never agree to that,” Rin mumbled. 

He’d touched around the prospect before and it had caused a bad reaction: outright suggesting clinical management would backfire, because Haru wanted to be self-sufficient. He’d been that way when Rin had met him and it was only given time and once a friend group had formed that they’d all been able to bond over swimming and Haru had revealed more of his true self. It seemed that stubborn trait still remained, though- deeply rooted. It wasn’t _entirely_ harmful- Rin was independent in his own way too, and liked how Haru appeared governed by his own whims- but it could also mean Haru closed off, or was resistant to change.

Rin didn’t know what had caused all of this: he wasn’t even sure whether Haru knew. Between major life stressors, physical and mental exertion and personal, emotional struggles, a myriad of problems all seemed to have compiled. Even now, Haru seemed to be in a high state of stress and exhibited a strong reaction whenever he was thrown off-balance. As soon as Rin had recognised that he'd been struggling, he’d wanted to help and had felt sure that with time and a little empowerment, Haru would be able to independently manage whatever was bothering him, but... it seemed as if instead of building up the skills to seek support when he needed it and cope on his own, he was relying on distractions. Swimming. That fish tank.

_...Me._

“Sorry,” Ikuya said softly. “I didn’t mean to have such a difficult conversation. It’s not as if any of this is your responsibility, you should know... the only reason I said all of these things to you is because I didn’t know if you’d hear them from anyone else. And I thought it might be helpful, to have that understanding.” He seemed to be trying to cheer Rin up, since he added: “I saw Haru the other day, and he looked better. I heard he’s getting along with his team again, too. It seems like you’re a good influence on him.”

“I don’t know...” Rin muttered. 

“No, it appears that way. I can tell he thinks a lot of you.” He paused- squared his shoulders- then added: “He seems to _really_ think a lot of you.”

Rin scowled. “What’s that supposed to mean..?”

“Sorry, it’s none of my business.” Ikuya smiled- like there was nothing to those words- as blush overtook Rin, and every functional gear in his brain ground to a halt- “Thanks for the water. Bye.” He stretched his back briefly, kicked off the sidewalk and sprinted away.

Rin stared after him, biting the inside of his cheek. At this point, it really did seem like everyone except Haru knew, and were making fun of him.


	7. October, 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Content warning for discussion of humane fish slaughter & vague description of filleting (animal death/gore). Please skip sections **2 & 5 of the October 3 entry** to avoid. It’s shopping/cooking fluff & mutual pining.

**October 3**

Now that autumn had arrived, the wind had begun to get crisper- the days were often overcast, and Rin had started leaving the apartment in a long coat and scarf. Whilst jogging, Haru still kept warm in his tracksuit, but was beginning to need to pick up speed faster to outrun the cold. Another month and he might have to change into thermal sportswear... maybe even take his training indoors entirely.

With the change of the season, new ingredients were becoming available and many stores were offering discounts on old stock. Haru had a rest day at the same time Rin was free, so they’d decided to go shopping together that morning; although he could bring food home sufficiently using public transport, Rin’s car was more comfortable and Haru enjoyed going out with him. Even for shopping, he was looking forward to it.

The air was chilly as they stepped out onto the walkway. Rin looked substantially less fierce than usual, wearing a wool hat and with the lower half of his face folded up in layers of a scarf. Especially when-

“Ahh-” Barely over the threshold of the front door, Rin sneezed. “...Ugh. It’s cold.”

He did it again, then sniffed into a tissue- the tip of his nose turning pink. It usually wasn’t until later in the month when people begun to develop colds... he must be sensitive to the temperature drop.

“Should you stay here?” Haru asked, concerned.

Rin shook his head. “It’s better to deal with it. I have to go out at some point, after all.”

“That’s what happens when you fly between countries with different climates all the time…” Haru murmured. 

“ _Excuse me_ ,” Rin slitted his eyes. “It’s been more than half a year at this point... that doesn’t have anything to do with it. I always struggle with the cold. I hardly ever get to enjoy my birthday without coming down with something.” The door was tugged shut behind him- the lock clicking into place.

“So you’re physically oversensitive, too…”

“You’re looking for a fight at this point, aren’t you?”

It might have been obscured by the folds of his own scarf, but Haru smiled.

Rin got a few steps ahead down the metal staircase, before he called up: “C’mon. All the good stuff is gonna sell!”

* * *

The mall they visited had an enormous hall which was dedicated to the fresh produce market. Haru came by here often- usually to get fish which were safely edible for both humans and his pet, so he could set aside the best cuts for their meals and give his eel the rest. It was busy and loud, with bustling crowds of people filtering in between the stalls. Customers chattered with vendors or lingered around eating freshly cooked snacks- the sounds of footsteps, conversation and utensils clinking echoing from the ceiling.

“Pick some meat,” he told Rin. “And I’ll make you something with it later.”

“You have to trim most of these: it’s more work. And they’re expensive...”

“I don’t mind. It will taste better.”

“No, you do enough for me lately, so what do you want to eat? I’ll get a fish and cook it for you.”

He looked to Rin, taken aback. “You know how to fillet fresh ones?”

“W-well... it can’t be _that_ difficult...” Haru took that as a ‘ _no_ ’.

He was disappointed, since he’d been eager to make something which would stand out from their regular meals, but Rin was being either modest or prideful and wouldn’t cooperate. They could bicker all day, so Haru gave in during this instance. 

“It’s okay?”

“Yeah- pick something out for yourself.”

They went over to the fish section. Some were pre-gutted, laid out on ice or cling-wrapped in polystyrene portion trays, whilst others were alive: swimming around in trays or buckets of water with their tails flicking lazily behind them.

Rin’s eyes trailed over a display of edible shells, to a pallet of twitching starfishes then a wooden crate containing water bags with sea cucumbers bobbing inside. He appeared so absorbed in everything going on- now reading the name of a card labelling a fish.

“There’s a Striped Boarfish here... you cooked that a few weeks ago. I only saw the meat when you served it, so I didn’t know they looked pretty like this...”

Haru felt privately happy. “You remembered the name of it.”

“Yeah. I listen to you when you talk!”

“You’ve shopped at this type of market before?” Haru queried.

“Mn- there’s one near my mom’s place she likes. But it’s way smaller than this.”

“They don’t have them in Australia?”

“Well, they do, but... I never cooked seafood this fresh. Supermarkets are more convenient. And fish can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. Without the names written down, I wouldn’t know what half of this is...” Examining a tray of small, mixed fishes which had been bundled together, he revised: “Defiantly less than half... _oh._ Shellfish count, right? I cooked mussels and clams before.”

“You can tell those apart...”

“O-of course I can! I’m not some kind of idiot!”

The way his temper turned on a few words was cute. Even though he was trying to give Haru a scathing look, it wasn’t effective- he just appeared sweet in his winter hat, with his mouth in a wavery line from his scowl and the tips of his ears and nose colored in response to the cold. All of the popular fish were selling out around them, but Haru didn’t mind. His cheek grazed the synthetic fur lining of his coat as his head turned, to watch Rin.

He’d gone unexpectedly quiet: watching another customer select some type of Perch from a large container of water. The vendor picked it out with both hands, before taking the flopping fish to a cutting board and positioning a spike beside one of its eyes. Rin glanced away at that point- his neck muscles pulling noticeably taut.

“It’s ikejime,” Haru explained. “They don’t feel it.” When Rin shifted, he continued: “Most fish have jaw bones that only move on one axis. Their teeth are for tearing or capture. So, if a predator got them in the ocean, they’re normally alive when they’re swallowed. And they die in the stomach. This is better.”

His attempt at reassurance didn’t appear to have worked. Haru knew Rin could get squeamish, since he became restless during horror movies... he was so tender in ways most people wouldn’t expect based on appearances alone.

He glanced down, toward one of Rin’s hands. They’d both removed their gloves due to how annoying they were whilst shopping. The people around them was all engrossed in their own business; Haru didn’t think anyone was paying them any notice. So... he imagined... holding one of Rin’s hands- slipping their fingers together briefly, to console him. But all possibility of that evaporated once Rin folded his arms and begun to complain.

“Haru, c’mon, decide on one already. I want to get out of here. It smells awful. And it’s cold with all the ice and water...”

He’d forgotten he was supposed to be picking a fish- going with a cheap one at random. “The Bream.”

* * *

Rin paid for the fish and had it put aside- arranging to return and collect it after they’d completed the remainder of their shopping. As he examined an information board with a map, he contemplated aloud which store to visit next.

“We should go to the supermarket last so the groceries stay fresh... didn’t you need to visit one of the pet stores?” Realising Haru wasn’t mentally present, Rin turned. “What’s up?”

“I’m thirsty...”

“Where do you wanna go?”

Haru glanced around. “That place is fine.”

“That... one?”

* * *

“This is your style, huh..?” Rin teased. Haru was ignoring him. “Don’t be ashamed! If you like it, you should be proud!”

They were at a milkshake parlour. Even with the seasonal Halloween decorations which had been set up prematurely, it maintained a cutesy aesthetic. The panelled pink and white walls were covered in posters of drinks which had raspberry syrup drizzled over the top, resembling blood, and the statue of the store mascot outside was wearing a purple cape and a witch hat. With his indifferent expression, Haru looked to be the furthest thing from the target demographic... naturally, Rin was in full swing.

“So,” he set his head in his hands. “What do you like about these places? They suit you. You fit right in, here-”

“Shut up.”

“It’s _cute!_ You should take that as a compliment!”

“I said, shut up.” 

There was a practical reason for choosing this place: Haru had wanted it because milkshake was the best drink to mix his daily supplement into. His drink had been requested to take up only three-quarters of the cup... Rin watched the level rise through the plastic as Haru emptied a protein sachet into it, stirred it around then removed the straw to put his thumb over the hole and shake it. That powder would give him 1,500 calories, plus whatever was in the drink. The flavoured milk and rich, thick texture of the cream would somewhat mask the powder, regardless... Rin was sure it tasted disgusting with every mouthful. He knew, because he’d also spent years on end consuming those daily for the immense number of calories which long days of swimming had required- still taking them strategically now before workouts to boost muscle growth. Haru clearly wasn’t thrilled about needing to rely on them- looking markedly unimpressed as he sipped up the mixture. 

The drink selection was loaded with sugar. Rin felt out of his depth, so got a regular black coffee and a bottle of water for Haru; he thumbed the lid when it was given to him. 

“Do you want half..?” He asked.

Rin shook his head. “It’s for you. It will help get rid of the taste of that powder.” Propping his elbows on the table, he leaned forward on them. “It’s bad, right?”

“The aftertaste is like I’ve been sick...”

“Yeah. I can tell by the faces you keep making.”

Haru’s eyes flicked away- his cheeks tinted with a hint of annoyance. Playing with him was too easy: Rin was enjoying himself, when-

“ _Ah!_ Haru! Rin! That is both of you!?” A voice made them look up. Kisumi was bounding towards them, excitedly. “I was out shopping when I saw you through the glass! I haven’t seen you both in so long!”

“Oh, Kisumi! It’s been a while!” Rin was pleasantly surprised.

“Yes! This is rare!” He glowed affably. “I see Haru from time to time around the university, but I can’t remember the last time I saw you, Rin..!”

“Yeah! I meant to stay in contact, but... ever since I moved to Tokyo, I’ve been out of the loop.”

“It must be about a year now since you’ve stopped swimming, but you haven’t changed much at all! Your physique is the same. All that training looks good on you!” His face crinkled in joy.

Rin realised that someone wasn’t taking part in this conversation, and turned. “Hey, Haru. Aren’t you going to greet him?”

Haru had put his head in his hand and was making a point to look away through the glass dividers, people-watching the shoppers outside. He’d been talking normally before, but was now playing at being mute... he was a pain. This was one of his friends too, but he made Rin do all the work to carry the conversation. Rin wanted to kick him under the table but it would be too obvious, so pulled an exasperated face at him briefly before sliding his gaze back to Kisumi.

“No, it’s fine! He has every right to be upset with me. After all, I’m interrupting your date...”

“T-that’s not...” Rin was hearing this so frequently that it was becoming grating. No help from Haru on this one, either: Rin was seriously going to kill him. “A-actually... this isn’t anything like that. We both needed to come here at the same time...”

“Really..?” Kisumi smiled, small and knowing. 

“It’s nothing to do with you,” Haru said, suddenly. “Go away.”

“ _H-Haru!_ ” Rin glowered at him for the rude interjection, then hurriedly apologised. “Um… please don’t pay any attention to that guy. What you said caught us off guard-”

“It’s okay,” he seemed spirited. “I’m used to Haru’s sense of humour. But it’s kind of you to be concerned for me. Let’s catch up soon, O-K?! Goodbye! You too, Haru!” He winked, waved and dashed away. Once he was gone, Haru picked up his drink and wordlessly started on it again, sipping it up through the straw.

“Did you two fight or something? What was with that?” Rin demanded. Haru gave him a tetchy look. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean..?”

“I’ve finished. Let’s go,” was all he verbalised.

* * *

Arriving home during the afternoon, they set themselves to meal preparation. When Haru removed the fish Rin had bought from a bag of ice and laid it on the cutting board, Rin stared it down determinedly.

“Um... to start with these, you take the gills out, right? Or, you should descale it, first..?”

“I’ll do it.” Haru seemed to pick up on Rin’s hesitation. 

“I said I’d cook it for you, though...” He’d feel inadequate if he couldn’t follow through.

“His heart is near his gills, so it can be messy. It’s better if I do the first parts. You can cut his fillets.” Haru suggested.

“O-okay...” Rin frowned. “Wait, _his?_ You can tell this one’s a male?”

“I can’t,” Haru admitted. “...I just decided.”

Whilst Rin cut vegetables, Haru removed the head, organs and scales so there wasn’t any blood visible- scrubbing the inside of the fish with a bamboo brush. He seemed to know that the innards made Rin nauseous, but... unusually, Haru didn’t make fun of him.

“Have you filleted one before?” Haru asked.

“A couple of times helping people out...” Rin cleaned off his hands and came to stand beside him. “I can’t do it from memory...”

“I’ll show you. Tell me if you’ve had enough, and we’ll stop,” Haru stressed.

“I-it’s fine. I-I can do it...”

“I cut the stomach to the tail,” Haru explained. “From there, it’s the opposite way. You go from the fins along the centre.” His fingers traced a pattern. Rin tried to concentrate on his words, not _him_. “Like that.”

“Y-yeah...” He’d heard Haru speaking but hadn’t actually... listened to any of it. Not for lack of trying: all Rin got from his voice like this was the breathiness to it, his resonant tone- the pauses which punctuated his speech.

_I need to get a grip..._

“The knife is sharp,” Haru informed him. “And the meat isn’t tough like with a mammal. It will come away easily, so be gentle.”

Rin tried to glide the blade across the spine in the way he’d been shown. It went well at first- making an unpleasant scraping- but the raw meat had the texture of pudding and offered no resistance when the blade swerved off course. “Oh. I tore it...”

“You’re too aggressive,” Haru mumbled.

“I was being careful, though...” He’d created a half-sized fillet which was jagged down the middle. “Maybe it’s better if you do the other side...”

“You can do it,” Haru encouraged. “Try again.” He flipped the Bream over, then set one of his hands atop of Rin’s, to show him the correct way to position his fingers around the handle of the blade.

Rin tensed. It was senseless, to get worked up over something so innocuous, but he felt so hot, and anxious. Haru’s hands was masculine but there was a delicacy about them- the weight of the one resting atop his own was light. The pale, blue veins in Haru’s inner wrist were like streams... he would have loved to trace them... 

“ _Rin_. Pay attention.” Haru took his hand away. 

“I am!”

“You were daydreaming...”

“I’ll show you..!” The blade ended up going diagonally through the meat- mutilating it again. “Ah...”

“You were nervous.” Haru assured him. “So, it’s okay. Even managing that is good.” Rin got the sense Haru was being genuine, yet it essentially amounting to contribution praise was humiliating. He hadn’t felt jumpy because of the fish, but he wasn’t going to confess that.

“I’ll get... back to the vegetables...” He exiled himself to another cutting board after that worse than useless attempt, leaving Haru to salvage the carnage.

“If you want to learn another time, I’ll show you,” Haru offered. “Then, one day, you can make me fresh mackerel...”

“You want me to cook that for you?”

He didn’t appear to have expected that response. “That was... a joke...” 

“I mean, I don’t mind...”

“...It’s fine. It’s fun to watch when you’re bad at it.”

“Y-you..! Ugh... I take that back! No way I ever wanna do anything nice for you... no way..!”

Haru removed the bones from the fish. He broke the shameful fillets Rin had created into strips then halved their thickness using butterfly cuts, methodically inspecting the meat on both sides with the tip of his knife. He’d made good work of them. Noticing he was adding salt, Rin asked:

“You need me to pass over any other seasonings?”

“It isn’t for seasoning,” Haru explained. “The meats soggy... if you add salt, water comes out from the osmotic pressure.”

“Hey, Haru, you’re so good at all of this.”

“It’s following steps.”

“No, it’s not that simple. It definitely takes patience and skill, but you make every task look fluid. You’re good at multitasking, you have great technique and a good sense of presentation, too. You remind me of Sousuke.”

Haru had looked stunned until the last remark made his gaze shift; Rin burst out laughing.

“Don’t look like _that!_ What did he ever do to you..? You’re so alike. If you weren’t shy with each other, you’d get on great.” Or bite each other’s heads off, though Rin didn’t verbalise that.

“I’m _not_ shy,” Haru rebutted. “It’s hard to make conversation.”

“Well, I told you- it’s because you’re similar. You strong and silent types get stubborn... honestly, it can be a lot of work.” 

“If he’s interested, then... I’ll go out with you both. Sometime.” Haru stated offhandedly.

“I-I mean... you don’t _have to_...” Rin clarified. “I wasn’t trying to force you...”

“You’re not. I wouldn’t mind.”

“Then... that sounds fun. Let’s do it.”

“Mn.” Haru turned his full attention back to the fish. “Temperamental men can be difficult, too...” He added, in a murmur.

Rin narrowed his eyes. “What did you say..?” 

“Nothing.” He played it off casually, not giving Rin direct attention- although Rin caught him smiling. “I wasn’t talking about you.”

“You’d better not have been! Or, I’ll show you _temperamental_...”

They continued like that into the evening.

* * *

**October 6  
**

During recent weeks, Haru had been watching Rin study dedicatedly. Tonight too, after he’d gotten back from assisting with a supplementary session at his university, he’d returned only to settle down in the living area with schoolwork. His laptop was propped on the low table- books and notepads spread out on the floor.

It was invigorating to watch him working hard, yet Haru couldn’t help but feel neglected by the decreased levels of interaction between them. Normally, Rin would pass time lingering around to tell Haru about his day or keep him company whilst they did chores, but lately, he would immediately shut himself in his room, or silently pour over pages of notes at the sofa. With dinner warming, his prep for tomorrow completed and the kitchen cleaned, Haru felt aimless: he had the childish impulse to attract Rin’s attention.

“You’re studying all the time...”

“Yeah. Midterms are coming up.” Rin provided a brief response.

His exams took place during the third week of October, with the results published before winter break in December. The second year of his degree was vocational-based, so Rin’s grades determined whether specific work placements would consider him for interview.

“Are you worried?”

“I kept up with the classwork, so it’s not that. But I still think I should do all I can.” He returned his focus to the laptop.

Haru had been searching for a means of appropriately conveying his feelings since the beginning of the month, yet had been unsuccessful at finding an opportunity until now: a post-exam celebration was a good excuse to go all out. He was sure Rin would be celebrating in other ways, like going out with classmates, but... it felt important for Haru to do something personal.

For most people, you would bake them a cake, but that wouldn’t give Rin much enjoyment. Even if he bought an expensive cut of meat, he was still learning how to cook those for the right amounts of time and season them well, so might end up under-selling it without knowing Rin's prefrences. Sousuke knew about the type of foods Rin liked and might even have the expertise to prepare them- with barely over a week until the exams, Haru decided to contact him for advice. 

* * *

**October 15**

At the end of the week Rin had conducted his exams, Haru left training early to go shopping- changing from his tracksuit to loose pants and a yellow sweater once he arrived home. He’d picked an evening when he knew Rin would be available, and asked him to send a message once he was on his way back from the university, so that he could time dinner for his return.

In the end, Sousuke had advised him to make something light so Rin wouldn’t feel awkward from a big show, and had spent an evening with Haru demonstrating how to make assorted meat dishes. Unable to decide on one, Haru went with a selection: both so there would be a more impressive variety and he’d have other options if he messed up one.

There was fried chicken, spicy pork cutlets, teriyaki meatballs and a salad: it was a lot, but they had enough refrigerator room to store the leftovers. Haru was laying cutlery out on the low table when Rin came in. 

“What’s all this for?” He asked. “Are we having someone over?”

“I wanted to try making them.”

“You always cook way too much for both of us...” Rin came over to the low table after cleaning his hands, dropping onto the cushion opposite Haru. “Thanks for the food! Can I try some?” When Haru nodded, he picked up a piece of chicken with the chopsticks. “Oh... Haru, this tastes good! This is great..!”

“You sound surprised.”

“ _No!_ Well... maybe a little. This has to be your first time making some of this... and it really turned out amazing..!”

He felt pleased- experiencing a modest glow of pride directed toward himself for being successful.

Rin continued complimenting the results. “You definitely outdid yourself this time... everything’s steaming. And the meats moist... how did you keep this all hot without things drying out..?”

“The fried chicken was done in the rice cooker. The meatballs on the stove, and the pork in the oven. So... it was easy.” 

“Wow. You can keep track of all that?”

Because he didn’t know what to say, Haru changed the subject. “Congratulations,” he praised. “With your exams.”

“Oh... thanks.” Rin looked flattered- and slightly uncomfortable. “But, is it okay to say that..? After all, it’s a while until I’ll get feedback...”

“You should celebrate because you worked hard.”

“I guess...” He gave a drawn-out sigh. “I’m not gonna get a break, though. As soon as second year comes around, it’ll be a different type of work...”

“You know where you’ll do your placement?”

“Mn. I already had to apply during summer,” Rin pushed one of the meatballs around in its sauce, then added nonchalantly: “I’m aiming for a company back in Australia.”

Time froze for Haru. He wasn’t sure whether his lungs were moving. Maybe all of him had stopped except his brain, which hadn’t caught on yet.

“...Really?” It felt as if he were speaking whilst underwater.

“Yeah. I’m planning to work with a leisure centre management company. The one I’m going for is amazing- they have tons of facilities across all of the states. They manage a bunch of international teams, so you get to work alongside all kinds of athletes. There’s so much to it when it’s on that scale, as well. Like allocating budgets, forecasting income... deciding how much funding goes into activities-”

“You’ll be biased toward swimming...”

“ _No way..!_ ” Rin begun to laugh- he sounded so excitable about the prospect. “I have some back-up options in case, but... I badly want this place.” His tone sobered. “With the scale of the company, I don’t know that I’d get a better opportunity. They pay well, too. I bet it will be seriously competitive...”

If Rin wanted that placement, he’d get it. ...That was how he was. With his consistently impressive school grades, fierce motivational drive and recent history as an athlete, it was essentially guaranteed. Haru sipped at his glass of water- it tasted stale.

He’d thought there would be longer for them, or that Rin might stay for real this time: the realization Rin was leaving again _hurt._ But in the midst of that pain, he really was happy that Rin had a new aspiration to follow- happy Rin had found one which suited him and would provide him with opportunities to thrive. But the sadness counterbalancing that sentiment had a sharp edge which fought for dominance. Fear.

He didn’t want Rin to go. Everyday had become wonderful since he’d moved in and Haru didn’t know how to go back. There was sharpness in his chest like it had been sliced, but he pushed beyond that. For Rin. 

“You can do it. I’ll be supporting you.” Haru insisted.

Rin blushed from the support. “Thanks. Let’s work hard together.”

There was white noise in his eardrums, and his vision had begun to spot- he was adrift in a void, returning to the room in snaps.

_Why can’t you do that in Japan?_

_Why does it have to be over there?_

_Why do you have to run away all of the time..?_

_Why-_

He was nauseous. Everything was whirling and warping- 

“Haru, you’ve gone pale.” He heard Rin’s voice from somewhere, mumbling back: 

“...I’m dizzy.”

“Lie down. Don’t try and stand. Wa...er... will be cold... I’ll ...me, ...ou, ...okay?” 

* * *

Rin was kneeling beside Haru, who had a cushion under his head and was laying on the floor- blinking at the lampshade on the ceiling. 

“Hey. Doing better?”

“Mn.”

“You fainted- stay there for a minute.”

He passed Haru a cold bottle of water from the cooler, which he held against his forehead.

“What happened?” Rin questioned.

“How should I know..?”

“Well... there’s normally a reason why your body does that.” He frowned. “Seriously, Haru, be careful. What if that happens again while you’re out running? Or even if you’d hit the table. That type of thing worries me...”

Haru was looking back at him from upside down. On an impulse, Rin reached down and begun to repeatedly sweep Haru’s damp fringe to one side- his fingers gently grazing over one of his temples. There were drops of condensation on his forehead from the water bottle held there moments ago.

“That feels good,” Haru mumbled.

Rin gave a small smile. That eel must have gotten impatient waiting to be fed, since it came out of its castle to drift around ominously within its tank- they both watched it. 

“He goes in loops all the time,” Haru spoke faintly. “I don’t know if he likes that.”

Rin drew back his hand. “I mean... that probably depends on his intelligence and how much he can process what he senses...” It was an indirect way of saying: _I have no idea._

“I looked on the internet. And I couldn’t find out there, either...”

“Oh, so you know about the internet,” Rin muttered sarcastically. “If you can research that, you should check your messages more...”

Haru ignored him, continuing to stare into the tank. Rin didn’t think there was any worth in considering abstruse matters like that.

“You’re overthinking,” he assured Haru softly. “That gets you nowhere. All that’s important is whether he’s happy, and he seems fine. You’ll get yourself down if you spend too long thinking about those type of things...”

Haru pushed himself up, so that they were sitting beside one another: near-equal in height.

“Did you mean it?” He asked. Something about the low tone he was using made Rin wince. The fixed way Haru was studying him, too: he didn’t like what that did to his nerves.

“M-mean... what?”

“Last year. When you said you liked me more than as a friend. ...Was it true?”

Panic spiked up within Rin, stabbing at his organs. Did Haru know? Everyone else around them seemed to be aware. He’d wanted to keep the truth concealed or at least ambiguous, but was it that obvious..? Haru could only suspect it at most... right?

“N-no... I told you before... things got mixed up in my h-head. T-there’s no way I can see you like t-that...” He’d gone too weak-willed to put up a more convincing fight. “...Please don’t bring that up. It’s a bad memory for me. A-and it’s been hard enough to face you since then...”

Haru frowned. “Why?”

“Haru, are you _kidding me?!_ You should know better than to dig into people’s private lives-!”

“You’re always telling me to talk when something’s wrong. So, tell me.” When Rin gritted his teeth, Haru doubled down: “Why is it a problem talking about it?”

He had no tact or social awareness whatsoever. Haru stared straight at him, too- if Rin looked back directly, he was surely going to drown in those bottomless, blue eyes, or get mesmerised by them. Haru had no idea how unfair he was.

“I-I don’t know...” This was the last person he should be digging into those insecurities with. He frowned as he attempted to explain it. “I-I guess... it’s... something... I don’t want people to know about me, if they don’t have to. I don’t want that to be the first thing people think whenever they see me. Even if people say its fine to my face, they still might think badly of me. I mean... that’s the definition of strange, right? Something that’s different from usual..? S-so, i-it’s not like I _want_ to stand out because of that...”

In a few words, it could probably be boiled down to the fact that it mattered to him immensely how other people regarded him. In most environments within Japan, it generally wasn’t regarded as socially acceptable to talk about being gay openly- neither was it likely to be taken seriously, so he had a proclivity to cover it up at all costs when it didn’t need to be made known. As well, there were traditional and societal expectations he internally felt he was disappointing by not conforming to heteronormativity. He _knew_ the way he felt at this point, yet because of those things, owning up to that part of himself around others was still difficult for him. The rejection he’d received last year hadn’t exactly bolstered his confidence, either- reinforcing existing fears of alienation- though Rin in no way put that on Haru.

Haru was looking to his knees, considering his response. “It’s not strange.” He decided on.

“You really... don’t think that?”

“I don’t. Its normal.”

Rin narrowed his eyes- intensely skeptical. “Normal?”

“Yeah. Because... Livebearers-”

“Okay, I’m not talking about fish... I meant for humans.” He cut in to some undoubtedly beyond odd tangent Haru had learned from who-knew-where which could likely in no way be rationally extrapolated to people. Rin should have known he had some weird reasoning behind that.

Haru closed his eyes, indignant. “I was saying that if it even happens for fish, those instincts are normal.”

“Now that you mention it... dolphins are well-known for that kind of thing, right?”

“Those are mammals.”

“I-I knew that... obviously... but you get what I was trying to say.”

“Yeah.” Haru tiled his head toward the ceiling. “But... they’re not a good example. Because you don’t want to know what they do.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“The male ones sometimes put it into-”

“Haru, I said _DON’T_ tell me! That means _stop!_ What makes you think I wanna hear about that perverted stuff?! It’s too _weird!_ ”

Reflexively, a hand shot out to cover Haru’s mouth- Rin’s fingers splaying over it. Haru gripped his wrist to pull it away.

“Mn. So, you’re normal, Rin,” he said, and smiled.

Rin’s pulse was racing so quickly underneath Haru’s thumb that Haru _must_ have been able to notice- the thumps of his heart were so deafening in his own eardrums, that he was _sure_ Haru could hear them, too. Haru’s fingers at his wrist seemed to scorch him- his body flared in response.

He was so unconventional, but... beautiful. He’d been trying to reassure Rin and bring the mood up, in his own way... Rin’s heart ached within his chest under the heavy weight of what it wanted. All that yearning inside of him was brimming up, and had him on the cusp of confessing everything: wanting to whisper it all to Haru, right here, and come completely undone under his faint touch.

_How can you use those creatures as a standard? What type of comparison is that, anyway? You blindside me with those things, then look at me like this... how am I supposed to respond fairly..?_

He didn’t have any chance to resist: Rin got unexpectedly swept up. When he looked back at Haru, it was as if he could hear the distant lull of waves and gulls cawing. He felt as if he were swimming in the marine beauty of his eyes- caught in the pull of a tide.

Guilt invaded those thoughts, creeping in like mist. He was supposed to be Haru’s _friend_. He shouldn’t be interpreting the kindness which Haru showed to him as an invitation to give into his own instincts, nor repeatedly be sexualising the interactions between them- but he was fighting to try and calm himself down. He tugged his wrist free.

“ _Please,_ back off. You’re way too close...”

The words came out as barely a whisper. He was unable to move, or his physical reaction was going to show- drawing up a leg to conceal it. He felt paralyzed.

Haru frowned. “Rin... don’t get upset-”

He could _feel_ each syllable Haru said- the sound of his own name in particular reverberated within his bones. Haru was near enough for Rin to see the neat, individual stitches on the neckline of his sweater, and the faint, vertical lines on his lips: intricate, like the whorls of seashells. He smelled good: a hint of chlorine, combined with soap and fabric conditioner on cotton.

 _No. Don’t think about those things_ -

He tried to block out the images which surfaced, but they floated to the forefront of his mind, unbidden. With this proximity, it would be so _easy_ to wrap his arms around Haru’s back and pull him down on top of him... so easy to cup his cheeks and straddle his lap. As his composure further unspooled, he begun to tremor. Those urge were stuck on his brain. He couldn’t control them-

And he panicked.

“I’m NOT upset! Why won’t you listen and drop it?! How many times do I have to say the same thing before you leave me alone?! What’s _wrong_ with you?!” He snapped.

The outburst startled both of them. As Haru glanced off- obviously upset- Rin stumbled over his apology.

“Ah, Haru, I didn’t...” he hadn’t realised how shaky he’d gotten: he struggled to speak. “I didn’t mean to shout at you... you startled me...”

“It’s fine. ...It was my fault.”

“I’m sorry.” Since Haru offered no response, he suggested: “U-um... you worked hard tonight. I’ll clean up here, so... do you want to use the bath first..?”

“...Mn.”

He seemed desperate to get away- taking the first excuse offered. Once Haru was out of sight, Rin dug his nails into his thighs- pinching them as painfully as he could through his clothing.

The longer this went on, the more he wanted... it was becoming unbearable. If he was a good friend, he would be satisfied enough that they were getting along again, but the part of himself which longed for more was becoming increasingly prominent.

_It was kind of... easier when he acted cold and ignored me..._

He sunk his teeth into the inside of his cheek.

...So messed up.

* * *

**October 16**

Rin had slept sparingly during the night, consequently feeling more dead than alive as he started his car the next morning. Turning up the radio, he tried to concentrate on that- instead of his turbulent thoughts.

As he sat with his head in his hand during a lecture, his pen tapped against the edge of his notebook.

_No focus._

Staring ahead at the complex equation on the board, it couldn’t manage to hold his interest: he was far too distracted.

Those feelings Rin was struggling with had caused him nothing but problems from the start... whenever that had been. Even as far back as when they’d been children, he’d wanted the two of them to be close- Haru had been unlike anyone else he’d ever met. Impressive. Stubborn. Mysterious: only letting people know him at arm’s length, yet Rin had wanted to win him over and _make_ Haru acknowledge him as both as a rival and a teammate. The teenage version of Haru he’d encountered years afterward had felt out of reach, though looking back Rin could admit his own actions had played a substantial part in that. Haru had seemed brief- to the point of cutting, sometimes- a cool enigma... but it was the instant he’d discovered Haru had a gentle heart when Rin had noticed a distinct change occurring within himself.

It probably sounded childish to anyone else, but after that first race against Haru, Rin had truly believed that the two of them had been drawn together because they were destined to share a future. Their shared experiences together felt romantic- like something right out of a song or movie- and he considered their bond invaluable. Haru had always had such a profound effect on him: he was someone who Rin had come to love in new ways over the years, someone who had always motivated him, and had been interwoven into so many meaningful memories over the course of his life so far. Rin was _never_ going to meet anyone else who he shared that type of connection with, so how could he let go of it? He didn’t _want_ to move on, but even if he tried, he suspected he’d only be thinking about Haru. Regardless of how much it hurt... it seemed easier for that love to remain unfulfilled forever than it was to give it up. But what he didn’t want to accept was another breakdown of their relationship.

Haru would be so disturbed if he knew he’d been lied to for almost half a year, after opening up his home. At all costs, Rin desperately wanted to avoid the situation from last year. He didn’t want to cause Haru to feel so betrayed and uncomfortable that it was hard for them to face each other again- neither did Haru need to lose a friend, right now.

* * *

**October 21**

He spent the evening at the gym with Sousuke, then they went out to eat together before Rin drove him back. It was getting darker earlier now so Rin was cautious on the roads; driving slower made his mind wander, as if oftentimes did recently. Flicking on his blinkers as he approached a corner, he absently took note of the scenery.

“This doesn’t look right... did I miss a turn?”

“Nope. You drove past the stop about thirty seconds ago.” Sousuke replied.

“Ah-!” Rin shot a glare at him. “ _WHY_ didn’t you say anything?!”

“Waiting to see how long until you noticed.” He stretched against the passenger’s seat. “You took your time. Need the GPS?”

“S-shut up...” He’d gone too far to go back: he had to go around the block again. “It’s your bad sense of direction rubbing off on me.”

“Hn.”

Rin wanted to defend himself more, but he’d driven this route tons of times: this was the first instance where he’d blatantly cruised past the drop off. He was aware of Sousuke watching him as he steered- right up until the car parked.

“You’re out of it,” Sousuke asserted, instead of moving to get out- “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Rin stared vacantly at the wheel. He didn’t talk about it: he’d made a rule, forbidding himself from discussing this subject with anyone. He’d likely spent countless hours brooding over it within his head, yet had inexplicably fooled himself into believing that so long as it went unspoken, he could pretend this conflict didn’t exist. He was so scared to confide in others. Yet...

“I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled.

Assuming Haru hadn’t shared what had happened between them last August, then nobody else should have been aware, yet Sousuke seemed to always be able to tell what was going on with him- without needing to be told.

Sousuke folded his arms. “You shouldn’t have moved in with him. How did you think that was going to turn out?”

Those blunt responses were something Rin had always appreciated, but there were times when his own personality flared against them.

“Well, _obviously_ not like _this!_ ” He snapped- the incredulous eyebrow raise Sousuke gave pissing him off even more. He exhaled loudly. “I thought it would go away..! I thought everything was so painful that I’d never look at him the same. Or that it would take years to get things back to normal, so a few months together wouldn’t be a problem! And Haru acted way more distant back then...”

“You weren’t hoping that if you spent enough time together, he’d start feeling the same way?”

He was so direct: he didn’t hold back when it came to getting his point across. Rin’s stomach squirmed unpleasantly as he faced up to that statement.

“ _M-maybe._..” he admitted, then conceded, in a hushed voice: “I mean... yeah- part of me will always want that. There’s years of feelings there: I can’t just erase those. And even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.” Again, he sighed. “...But, I really don’t remember thinking that far into it, at the time: all I wanted was to fix things between us. You know, I didn’t care so much about the rejection, because I’d prepared myself for that: it was always going to be the most realistic outcome. I just hated that we had to fall out, afterwards...”

Everything was spilling out, like he was at a confession booth. Sousuke listened wordlessly.

“You told him?” He clarified.

“Y-yeah. At the end of last August...”

“You told him before you went back to Australia.” He lowered his voice, closing his eyes briefly. “...Rin, why did you make yourself go through that alone?”

“No, that doesn’t matter...” He shook the question off. “The problem is the situation now: it feels like I’m stuck. If I tell the truth, I’ll make him uncomfortable again. But staying there is driving me crazy...” He tapered into muttering. “I don’t know, anymore. Maybe I should keep everything as it is: it’s not like there’s a problem outside of my head. Things are fine.”

“They’re not if you’re getting hurt, Rin.” He unclipped the seatbelt. “Come inside for a while.”

“No, I should... get back.” He’d been kind, but Rin needed time to himself. 

Sousuke levelled a stern gaze. “You’re gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” Rin exclaimed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine!”

After getting out of the car, Sousuke leaned down to speak through the doorframe. “Be careful getting back. Don’t drive past your place.”

“Go! _Now!_ ” He pointed dramatically, then added: “And... thanks. I’m seriously really lucky to have you...”

He received a smile. Rin felt better, but... once he drove off, the unhappiness returned, like sinking into mire. He was still so conflicted.

* * *

**October 25  
**

He was due to get coffee with Kisumi that afternoon; Rin didn’t feel up to going, but since their meeting had been agreed in advance, he felt obliged to follow through. The coffee house they’d chosen was comfortable- western styled, with walnut brown flooring and rattan furniture balanced by the green of potted plants- yet Rin couldn’t relax. He had trouble following the conversation tangents.

“I think I made Haru mad when we bumped into each other a couple of weeks ago... he didn’t respond to my messages...” Kisumi lamented, after about ten minutes at their table.

That was the default for Haru, although Rin didn’t have the energy to point that out.

“You definitely bugged him somehow.” Haru had been inexplicably frosty after that interruption- thawing him out had taken the better half of the morning.

“I can’t believe it! He’s still the same..!” He clapped his hands together. “It must be because I gave you so much attention, Rin! He gets protective over his friends. He was always like that with Makoto, too. I know I shouldn’t set him off, but I can’t help it. It’s cute to watch...”

He was only a friend to Haru.

_I know. I know, already..._

“You’re the same, aren’t you?” Kisumi enthused. “You like getting a reaction out of him?”

Rin scowled. “Well... I like seeing the expressions he makes, but... I don’t try to make him genuinely mad. That’s not nice for him, you know...”

“I suppose I have a different form of teasing.” Kisumi gave an airy response to the indirect chastisement- unbothered. “Haru should know by now that I don’t mean it in a _bad_ way... was I being that unkind..?” Not getting any reaction from Rin, he resolved: “Well. If I upset him, there’s nothing else for it: I’ll apologise! I do feel mean now...” He tapped his spoon against his lip. “Although... I wonder if the message will get seen...”

“I’ll tell him,” Rin mumbled. “Thanks.”

There was a shared quiet where Rin couldn’t summon a single word. 

“I do see Haru around our university, but it’s been so long since we met up...” Kisumi begun to reminisce fondly: “Did you know... when the swim team all went out together, I would go along sometimes after classes, because of Asahi. I got invited into their IM group, too! The application they use has a notepad function, where you can draw pictures and post them in the chat. Do you know the type I mean, Rin? Haru always used it! Instead of replying with text, he’d send a doodle of a mascot character holding up a sign saying ‘YES’ or swimming in a pool. He would post those often enough that the chat was covered in them! He’s so good at drawing... but his opinion on what’s considered cute... I suppose the polite word would be: ‘ _interesting_ ’..?”

Rin smiled, despite himself. “Yeah. That sounds like Haru...”

“At some point, those pictures stopped appearing...” He already knew that story had a melancholic ending. “I heard things were rough for him, last year... I hope he’s doing better, now. It’s hard to tell what’s going on with him... he’s always had such an ‘untouchable’ vibe...”

“Ugh...” Rin feigned annoyance. “I get jealous of that. He stays cool in the most difficult positions... I don’t know how he does it...”

“I’d like to see you try and pull that off, Rin,” he teased. “You always have everything on display...”

“You make me sound melodramatic.”

“Oh? You wouldn’t describe yourself like that?”

“H-hey...” he blushed, leaning forward a little, whilst Kisumi laughed musically.

“You’ve been distracted this entire time,” Kisumi stated. “But once I mentioned Haru, you became more energetic.” Rin felt a wave of discomfort, realising he’d walked into a trap. "You love him, don’t you?”

Too much. This was _too much_. As he stood, his chair was pushed away from their table, sliding across the floorboards with a harsh screech. He hadn’t confided in Kisumi and knew Sousuke would never disclose the truth- Kisumi had figured it out on his own. Rin didn’t want to think he was that easy to read: he hated that other people could see straight into his heart and observe all the inner-workings. He fumbled- cramming his phone into his pocket.

“Don’t make assumptions about what’s going on with me,” he begun to pull on his outdoor wear- “I’ve got to go.”

“Rin, please wait.” Kisumi implored, and Rin stopped, mid-turn. “I didn’t intend that to be cruel. Things come across the wrong way sometimes- I wasn’t certain about how to bring it up. It’s unusual to see you upset like this, so I only wanted say... you can talk to me, if you need to. I know you have Sousuke, Makoto and the others, but... sometimes, it can be easier when it’s someone with more distance. I’m not judgmental at all! And I’d keep whatever you told me private! So, please remember that if you'd like someone to hear you out.”

“...I need to go.” Rin repeated, then got out of there with a swish of his coat and scarf.

* * *

**October 27  
**

They were replacing the water in Haru’s fish tank. The low table and sofa had been pushed up near the window to create extra room, though everything was so crammed in that they were only afforded a narrow triangle of floor space to work with. Haru was wearing an old t-shirt and a pair of gloves, kneeled with a cluttered array of supplies and tubing around him.

Haru was capable of doing this by himself, but since he’d asked for help, Rin had gone along with it. There was a lot to the process: the gravel had to be vacuumed, the filter required cleaning and new water needed to be conditioned and tested before being supplemented in. Haru had been explaining as they went, but must have noticed Rin wasn’t engaged, since he stopped. 

Rin’s responsibility was to watch the current water level in the tank and ensure none of the shrimp or algae got near the siphon where they could be sucked out. That eel wasn’t on show, but it was more active than usual during the day: occasionally Rin would catch a glimpse of it gliding past assorted holes in the live rock. The lid was undone, so Rin kept an eye on it, dubiously.

“You don’t like him.”

Rin glanced up, to see Haru staring. 

“It would benefit you to be more mistrustful. ...He’s a fish. I’ll admit he has some type of personality, but even an accident could put you in hospital. What if he’s in a bad mood one day?”

“There’s no threat, so he doesn’t have any reason to attack me.” Haru added: “If you have that approach, he’ll never open up to you.”

“That’s fine,” Rin muttered- it got an unhappy look from Haru. It was a while before Haru spoke again.

“He didn’t want to come out of the rock.” He was telling Rin. “It took months. But... as soon as he was ready, he opened up to me. Even though it took a long time... it was worth it to keep trying. Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have known about his real personality...” 

“...Sorry. For being negative about him, all the time. I know you care about your pet, Haru. And I’m not trying to make you feel bad for that...”

Rin didn’t know what he was attempting to convey: he hated being constantly faced with that fish. _Hated_ the way Haru would go straight over to it when he got home every evening, and would look peaceful or content from watching it curl around his hand. It wasn’t a _person_. Why couldn’t he look that happy or tranquil around others, again..? Why did Haru shut himself in this apartment with that thing, instead of trying to reconnect to the people who missed him, and worried about him, and wanted him back in their lives? That fish didn’t care about him the way those people did, but Haru saw things that weren’t there in it, whilst the love of his friends was unable to move him, no matter how much it was piled on. It hurt that Haru used it like a replacement for company: it hurt Rin on his behalf.

“That’s about a quarter. You can put the clean water in.”

Haru didn’t answer; they completed the rest in silence.

* * *

**October 29  
**

Rin had been on Haru’s mind frequently since he’d moved in, but it seemed as if Haru had been thinking about him non-stop during the past month; he reassessed the situation between them as he went about his work shift in a café kitchen.

Earlier in the month, he’d brought up that confession from last year, which had caused Rin to become upset. Since then... no- before that- Rin had begun to distance himself: often going straight to his bedroom or cutting conversations short.

Rin had insisted he didn’t like him, and part of Haru believed that- after all, wouldn’t he take Haru up on the offer to stay together from August, if he wanted that? Wouldn’t he show reservation at the idea of getting on a plane again, and spending a whole year apart?

Yet... he knew Rin could be dishonest whenever he became defensive. That skittishness he’d shown could have been genuine irritability, or a cover: Haru couldn’t read the mixed signals being sent in crossways. 

...Such an unreasonable man. If Rin made anything easy, Haru supposed that wouldn’t be his style, but... for once, he wished that the two of them could be brave enough to let everything show, without holding back from each other. He was weak himself, knowing there was a chance of rejection if he confessed those feelings overtly, so he’d been trying to convey them in other, subtle ways, but those signals weren’t getting through; he didn’t think a sure sign was going to come from Rin, either.

With the near-certainty of Rin leaving next year, Haru was impatient: it was difficult to pretend indifference. If a chance for them existed then he didn’t want to lose it- neither was he prepared to wait any longer to know if what he felt was mutual. He wanted to be with Rin. To experience all of his hopes, his dreams, his fears alongside him... to reassure him, find out things he didn’t know, and build a future together. He refused to let those desires become submerged in the abyss of sentiments he tried to forget, or had given up on nurturing because he didn’t see the use. But... if he pushed too much, he could end up forcing them apart even further than before.

After his shift, he went to visit Makoto, as was customary for this day of the week. They prepared dinner, ate, then Haru assisted to make Halloween decorations for a seasonally themed swim party the children Makoto taught would be attending over the weekend.

They dipped in and out of conversation. Haru usually took solace from the mutually comfortable silences, but he was off-centre tonight. After staring into the leering face of a half cut out pumpkin for a moment, Haru set it down. He was getting nowhere; he didn’t have any confidence in his ability to manage the situation between himself and Rin. Makoto didn’t have any context, but Haru still trusted his judgment more than his own.

“How do you know if someone likes you?” He asked abruptly. 

“Eh?”

It wasn’t often they caught each other off-guard. Makoto’s hands froze, midway through cutting a decoration- he gazed at Haru, like his reading glasses weren’t focusing properly.

“Do... you... mean... romantically?” At Haru’s short nod, he stalled: “H-hmm... I-I’m not too sure I know the answer to that, either...” He reintroduced the subject carefully. “That sort of thing most likely depends on personality. So, I suppose it would vary, from person to person...” 

“It’s Rin,” Haru admitted, not seeing the point in concealing it.

“O-oh? I-I see...” The directness clearly suspired him, but he was good at recovering. “That is complicated, isn’t it? Since you live together...”

“He’s acting strange lately.” Haru frowned as he resumed cutting the pumpkin- carefully poking holes, to give it eyes. “So, maybe he realised...”

“Well... it’s possible. But I think it would be more obvious if Rin were aware of anything like that. He doesn’t always share things insular to himself, but he usually has a direct approach for matters which concern others. Don’t you think?” It sounded right- and Makoto was good at measuring character- but Haru wasn’t sure. Makoto surmised: “And Rin has his own personal life. If he’s acting differently, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the cause.”

“That’s true,” he mumbled.

“Yes. So, maybe you should focus on what’s bothering him, first,” Makoto suggested, with a smile.

The sun was going down as Haru made his way back through the residential area- twilight caused the buildings to appear blurry and golden around the edges. Before the night was over, Haru resolved to get to the bottom of whatever was pushing Rin away.

* * *

“You’re back. How was work?”

Rin was standing in the kitchen, drinking from a water bottle when Haru came in. His hair was damp- like he’d showered recently- with the back strands tousled, as if he’d been laying on his bed. He was wearing pyjama pants and a black t-shirt which bore a flaking design.

“It was good.” He passed the fish tank, sweeping through to the kitchen- directly up to Rin. “What’s wrong?”

Rin backed off, bumping against the counters. “Haru, you’re close... we’ve been over this...”

“Then tell me.” Their faces were inches apart.

“I-it’s nothing!” Rin colored an attractive shade of pink. “I-I’ve just... have a dilemma, for a while... I don’t know what to do about it.” He scowled. “I don’t wanna go into it any more than that, so give me some space, here...”

Haru pulled away. Rin wouldn’t say it upfront, but... the communication was a good start.

“If you’ve been thinking a lot, and still don’t know, then my advice is... don’t worry about it.” Haru advised him.

“That’s it?”

“...That’s it.”

Rin frowned. “Well… I appreciate that, Haru, but... you know that avoiding issues doesn’t actually solve them, right?”

“Really..?”

“ _Really_.”

“I see...” He teased Rin back. “Then... I’ll think of a way to make it better.” Watching Rin’s fingers unscrew the cap of the water bottle he was holding, Haru made an attempt. “...That’s Haru-chan’s super water. Your mood will improve if you drink that.”

“There’s a brand label. It’s from a chain supermarket.”

“They’re my sponsor.”

Rin grinned then bit down on a corner of his mouth- doing his best to keep his expression flat. “Yeah..?”

“Yeah,” Haru maintained. “The limited editions come with a special book. And a rare trading card-”

Rin coughed on the drink he’d been taking- swallowing too fast. “You’re... so stupid...”

The sound of his laughter spilled over Haru; Rin’s amusement made his eyes light up, going from sleepy to bright in an instant. Haru never felt more endeared to Rin than when he was happy: he was magnetic like that.

“I don’t know the right things to say,” Haru mumbled. “I’m not good with advice.”

“Yeah.” Rin’s voice had a hum to it. “Your counselling definitely needs work. It’s a good thing you never planned on being a therapist. You’d be aw- _ful_.”

When he stretched the last word out playfully, the curves of his lips created lovely shapes. They’d derailed, yet Haru couldn’t help but go along with it.

“I’d do it better than you.”

“ _You would not!_ ” 

“It’s not about giving advice,” he argued. “It’s about listening.”

“Hmnn. I guess you’re good at that. Sometimes. But-”

“Shut up,” Haru cut in. “Or next time you’re upset, I’ll leave you.”

“See?! That’s what I mean! You get so heated...”

His giggling made soft, affectionate noises as it tangled up in his breaths. Haru could have stayed like that, all night- playing with him and looking into his eyes. He longed for a deeper connection between them with every fibre of his being- Rin _had_ to want the same. Haru was sure of it: his subconscious told him he wasn’t wrong.

“You’re in a weird mood, too. Weirder than usual,” Rin amended- just once, Haru let that pass. Rin set his bottle on the counter behind him then surveyed Haru. “You’re way more upfront, lately... it isn’t like you.”

“Because you’ve been upset. If somethings wrong, I want to help.” When Rin would only shake his head from side to side, Haru insisted: “You should be able to relax here. This is your home.” He hesitated, then ventured tentatively: “With me.”

Rin continued to shake his head stubbornly, like he was saying: _no_ , over and over.

_Don’t reject that..._

He wanted to ask if it was because of Australia, or if Rin had met somebody else. But Haru felt as if he knew the truth. “It’s my fault,” he said, toneless and almost inaudible. 

“ _No!_ ” Rin grabbed Haru’s wrists. “Don’t assume that- it’s not you! It's my fault. I don’t know that living together is right...”

“It’s been fine until now,” Haru frowned. “If there’s a problem all of a sudden, we can fix it. Just tell me.”

“No, I _can’t_...” Rin whispered. His voice strained- breaking on every alternate syllable. “I can’t say it... you’ll hate me...”

“I won’t.” Haru answered firmly. “You’re important. I want to help.” He implored Rin, using a single word: “...Please.”

Rin didn’t provide an answer verbally. He raised one of his hands to one of Haru’s cheeks, curled his fingers against it, then begun to brush his knuckles over the same spot.

Such a gentle touch... Haru had always been predisposed to imagining that even when Rin was trying to be careful, there would always end up being some roughness, but this lightness... he was becoming inebriated by it. Haru’s eyelids felt heavy, and with each downward sweep of his lashes as he blinked, he fought to avoid closing them, but refused to look away- even as Rin’s gaze dropped to the floor. He experienced a dizziness, as if he were on the precipice of something unknown: about to fall in and lose himself. He was full of trepidation- but it was okay. Because he wanted this. More than anything.

“Haru...”

Rin said his name, rough, like his throat was dry- his expression became disconcerted. His other hand came up- resting at the opposite side of Haru’s neck, with his palm pressing against the pulse. Both hands steadied him in place.

Everything was so quiet.

The bubbling of the fish tank and low hum of the refrigerator melded further away into the background. All that existed were the two of them; time slowed down to a trickle. Haru went still, so still, he was tense all over, his senses hyper-aware. His breathing steadied, even as the beats of his heart became more powerful- his entire body stirring as the blood flow around it increased. His nerves were alight, yet a simultaneous calm was spreading through him.

They were so close: Haru’s mind was full of nothing but little details about Rin. Like the fact that he’d never noticed how Rin’s bottom eyelashes looked delicate and pretty.

The fingers resting at one side of his neck gripped the back of it. The pressure shifted as Rin stepped toward him, then in the next moment, Haru felt lips meet his own and his eyes instinctively fell shut, as he became aware that he was being kissed.

“…”

For several seconds, he didn’t dare to breathe- then he inhaled so abruptly through his nose that a sharp gasp followed, to allow some air out of his lungs. The initial press he felt was faint against one corner of his mouth, before Rin’s head turned- tilting in, to meet their lips more centrally. 

It felt... strange. Not like how he’d imagined it, but... good: intimate without being invasive. _Comforting._ His own lips were far less sensitive to the brush of another’s than he’d expected, but he could feel the effects of the kiss all over the rest of him- it rode down his chest as a bolt of fire which pooled in his stomach and spread through his pelvis; it made the back of his neck prickle and filled up his chest.

Rin stopped- and Haru could feel his breath for an instant- before leaning in once more at a different angle: his nose grazing Haru’s. Haru’s lips parted- more out of surprise and instinct than conscious thought- and as the pressure behind the kiss increased, a slight wetness was introduced. Rin’s lips were endearingly cold from the water he’d drank before.

Haru’s head swum as the physical contact clouded his mind: it was addictive. He wanted to open up wider and experience the sure heat of Rin’s mouth- to push his tongue against the tips of his teeth. He wanted to back Rin against the counter and make a mess of his hair, pull at his t-shirt and press into him: press and _press_ , until he broke apart, and they both spilled together like liquid. Rin's lips felt soft, and warm, and they tasted like...

Tears.

A single droplet slid down, in between their connected lips; it had the sting of salt. Rin shuddered against him then froze. Haru opened his eyes... as Rin dissolved into sobs before him.

“I’m sorry.” Rin choked on the apology. He raised a hand, digging the trembling fingers into one of his eye sockets. “I’m _sorry_ ,” he repeated, then begun to cry harder. “I know I shouldn’t have... but I c-can’t... I _can’t_ -”

“Rin...”

“I _can’t_ take it anymore..!”

He ran off toward his bedroom- the door slamming shut behind him. Haru was left standing there, confused and hurt: unable to grasp what had just happened.

* * *

**October 30**

Rin disappeared: Haru didn’t see him during the entirety of the following day. His dorm was prepaid, so maybe he’d gone there? Or to stay with a friend? His belongings were here, though... he had to return eventually.

He’d been the one to initiate that kiss, then cried about it... Haru didn’t understand him. Had Rin forced himself to do that out of pity, because Haru had pushed for them to get closer? Maybe after living together, he’d come to realise that he didn’t see Haru the way he’d initially believed, or realised long-term cohabitation together was undesirable. Perhaps he wasn’t as sure about his sexuality as he’d previously thought. Or it could be the opposite, and he’d already met someone he liked back in Australia, through his university, or the internet. Rin would mention that in passing, or unintentionally let it show at some point... wouldn’t he? …Haru was sure he would. And he didn’t think Rin had time for anyone else.

It was pointless speculating: maybe Rin was overwhelmed and needed space to think. Haru tried to tell himself this might not mean anything bad for them. He waited for Rin to come back and make sense of it.

His first kiss had tasted like tears. Out of all the ways he’d imagined it between them, he hadn’t anticipated that.

* * *

**October 31**

Rummaging noises were coming from the hallway; the door to Rin’s bedroom was wide open, which was unusual. Haru moved into the frame. 

The room appeared bare: the linen had been stripped from the bed and the furniture was devoid of any personal affects. Rin was kneeled before an opened, vacant drawer and a duffel bag- messing around with his phone.

“What are you doing?” Haru asked mechanically.

He jumped. “You... you’re back early. You finished training, already?” When Haru continued to stare- not entertaining the prospect of a normal conversation- Rin mumbled: “I’m moving out.”

“Why?”

“Because I have to.”

“ _Why?!_ ” He demanded, and Rin flinched again.

“Don’t yell like that all of a sudden..! This is best for us both. I’m going back to my dorm.” In an attempt to lighten the subject, he added: “Your eel will be happy. He gets you all to himself again.”

“He’d like you,” Haru argued. “It takes time. I told you-”

“You know he doesn’t come into it,” Rin murmured, tugging up the zip on his bag. “You’ll be fine. You have Makoto around the corner. Plus you’re training all the time. You’ll barely notice I’m gone.”

Was that what he thought..? The anger which coursed through Haru was white hot: he struggled to think through the haze.

“You were going to leave without telling me,” he accused.

If he hadn’t returned home early tonight, he didn’t know how much time would have passed until he’d realised that Rin wasn’t planning on coming back. He was _awful,_ to do this- after what had happened the other night-

“That’s not how it is,” Rin denied. “I was going to explain everything later tonight. I didn’t know if you’d be willing to hear me out this soon. I thought it would cause an argument if I stayed here any longer than I had to. And I didn’t want to make you be around me after that.” His tone became pained as he looked to the floor. “...You’re right to get mad. I got caught up and wasn’t thinking clearly: I regret what I did to you the other night so much. I know there’s no excuse, but... I’m sorry. I’m really sorry...”

The way he said those things- as if he meant them- made Haru even more riled. 

_Don’t apologise. Don’t say you regret it-_

His control over the situation was slipping away. He still wanted Rin here, with undisputed clarity. Rin didn’t have to leave over this-

“It doesn’t matter that you kissed me. We can forget about it.” When Rin didn’t react, Haru became _desperate_ \- “If you’re leaving Japan next year, then stay until then. You like it here. This whole time until now, it’s been fine-”

“It’s not fine..!” Rin snapped. “It’s _not!_ There hasn’t been a single day here which hasn’t been painful for me in some way! You don’t have _any_ idea!”

Haru blinked, struggling to orient himself. He could feel his heart cracking- surely going to break apart into shards- as the past six months of their lives were reconceptualized to him in a few, piercing instants.

“I’m sorry,” Rin repeated- his face twisting up in visible pain. That word seemed to be all he said, lately- “None of this is your fault... I should have never agreed to move in with you. I knew that, but I did it anyway and created this huge mess. I know I ruined everything again. But when you’re ready, I really want to begin to fix it: I want us to stay friends. Living here made me realise, I can’t do that when I’m always around you...”

“I didn’t force you to stay here. If you wanted to, you should have gone.” Haru was on automatic mode now: cycling around from shock, to an ice cocoon of apathy.

Rin didn’t respond to the cold remark. “I’ll get Makoto to come over and see you tonight. Then I’ll give you a call in a few days.”

“I won’t answer.” Haru muttered. “I don’t want to hear from you again.”

“You don’t mean that.” He replied. “Don’t say that.”

Silence.

Rin stood, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Please let me talk to you at some point, Haru. At least let me apologise properly-”

“If you’re going to leave then get out. I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.” He spoke in monotone. “You don’t know what you want, so none of it means anything. All you’ve done for me since you’ve come here is force yourself in and cause problems.”

“I know,” Rin responded quietly. “I’m sorry.”

Those were the worst four words he could have possibly said back: they made all of the frustration Haru felt towards Rin turn inwards. He hadn’t meant to upset Rin- he never wanted that. He’d only wanted him to understand how much pain he was in.

_Don’t go._

He felt a horrible squeezing within his chest.

_Don’t leave, please-_

He wanted to do something crazy, like lock the door and throw the key out of a window, reach out for him, or shout. He should have said something- _anything-_ but could only remain rooted to the floorboards as Rin brushed past- staying there long after he’d heard the front door close behind Rin.

That relationship they’d been building carefully up to now collapsed like a sand castle, knocked down by an unexpected wave. The pieces were pulled further apart from the heap with every step Rin took away. He _always_ left. How many times had they been over that refrain? This had been bound to happen.

...No.

It had happened because he’d brought this on himself. He knew that, even though he didn’t want to. Maybe that was the part which was fated. That was the inevitability he’d been struggling against.


	8. November, 2021

**November 2  
**

Suddenly, Haru was living alone again.

Due to their clashing schedules, he and Rin had mostly spent only their evenings together before, so it wasn’t as if Rin’s company had ever been _constant,_ yet after three consecutive nights without him there, the apartment felt empty. With every step down the hall, the creak of the floorboards seemed to lament Rin: faded spectres of him from Haru’s memories flickered around the furniture. During the night, Haru went to bed knowing he wasn’t going to hear the front door unlocking as someone else came in, but lay bizarrely motionless- his ears straining to seek out the sound. 

During that last argument, a cascade of cruelty had been unleashed on him. Rin shouldn’t have decided to leave without telling him first. He shouldn’t have kissed Haru, then said he regretted it afterwards- shouldn’t have stayed here for all this time, if living together had been such a struggle. Haru hadn’t needed his pity: he felt infuriated and wounded at the prospect Rin had kept him company out of a misplaced sense of obligation.

The love he’d acknowledged within himself wasn’t mutual... he felt so stupid for believing there had ever been a chance for them but during recent months, it had really felt like they were compatible. Haru knew he’d put distance between them at the beginning- and had rebuffed Rin coldly whenever he’d tried encroaching too quickly on that- but that had been because he’d felt uncertain how Rin viewed him, after their eight months without contact. Because he’d been afraid of getting into a disagreement, then experiencing this exact scenario: being abandoned after becoming emotionally invested. ...Because, opening up both his living space and _himself_ had required a level of familiarity and trust which took time to foster; even with somebody Haru knew well, he needed to adapt to the constant proximity to become comfortable expressing himself, without feeling unpleasant or vulnerable as a side effect. He wasn’t like Rin where he could allow whatever crossed his mind to show proudly.

But... as the weeks had passed, his trust and affection towards Rin had been reaffirmed so repeatedly, had increased so exponentially, that in small, indirect ways like helping him out wherever he could with chores and taking over the cooking, Haru had tried to convey his appreciation- going slightly further each time. Rin hadn’t understood, but there had been time: the idea he’d unpredictably go had never occurred to Haru, when Rin had seemed so comfortable here. There had been indications he’d felt awkward or upset now and again, but Haru had been so absorbed in his contentment that he’d written off the doubts- even as they’d piled up. He’d been so distracted whilst falling in love that he hadn’t noticed Rin growing progressively unhappier beside him.

It had been so new to him. His instincts swayed toward stability and self-preservation, so he’d never felt properly prepared to challenge his routine or behaviours too dramatically, thus had always written off a romantic relationship as out of the question: he was failing to maintain friendships, didn’t feel satisfied with himself, and couldn’t imagine having the availability around work and training. He was afraid to disappoint others or make them despondent, like him. He didn’t believe he could consistently make someone happy- deep down, he didn’t think he deserved to be happy, either.

Then, Rin was there: shining with the brilliance of solar flares, powerful and clear-cut in the midst of Haru’s doubts. He didn’t look at Haru the way everyone else did- with sadness and sympathy, like he was a lost cause- in a way that made him feel guilty. Whilst everyone treated Haru as if he were delicate, Rin didn’t hesitate to challenge him, speak his mind or become sarcastic whenever he thought the situation called for it: he made Haru feel normal. Better than normal, sometimes- there were instances when he spoke about Haru as if he vibrated with potential, or where he looked back at Haru with the wonder of someone who could see all of the stars in the nights sky within his eyes. He’d encouraged Haru to disclose the ugly, weak parts of himself without becoming uncomfortable or blindly reassuring in the face of them- unafraid to let whatever was on his mind show, and encouraging Haru to be the same way... encouraging him to re-evaluate his perspectives. With him, Haru had truly believed he could overcome the melancholia, because he’d felt he’d begun to, already: that heavy blanket smothering him had started to furl at the edges- the periods where he forgot it was there becoming longer and more frequent. But like an eclipse, his own gray gloom had eventually blotted out the brightness of others who drew too close to him, and he’d pushed Rin away again. A sense of déjà vu pervaded him... turning him numb.

* * *

**November 5  
**

With winter on its way, there was a lingering chill during the night hours, yet Haru felt unpleasantly clammy in his bed- unable to rid himself of his malaise long enough to fall asleep. Eventually irritated by his tossing and turning, he went over to Rin’s bedroom.

The window had been left with the blinds rolled up: a beam of moonlight was coming in through the permeating darkness, illuminating edges of the furniture. A neat row of books, the stacks of CDs, an opened magazine... all of those touches of personality Haru had glimpsed in here before he knew were now absent. 

The bed had been stripped of its sheets; the previous occupant hadn’t slept here for days, but Haru was still hesitant as he crawled onto the middle of the mattress- feeling it dip underneath his knees.

If Rin had been laying there, sleeping, and Haru had come in like this... he wondered how Rin would react- based on the predictable responses, he could speculate. He was sure Rin would become startled and embarrassed- freezing up, tripping over his speech, or getting loud- but... what about after that? Would he snap at Haru to get out? Become uncomfortable, and ask what he was doing? Or...

He would never have done that out of the blue, but allowed himself to privately wonder. How would it feel, to go further than a kiss? Even kissing again... he barely remembered that sensation: it had been unfamiliar, like a first breath of air after a lifetime submerged underwater. Being close to Rin would be enough. His temperature, the different textures of his body, his touch... he could be fiery, but in the same way his heat passionately blazed, it could kindle down and become gentle. Haru’s body stirred whilst thinking about him, but it only made the grief more poignant. He wished the anger hadn’t dissipated, because it was easier to be mad at Rin than it was to miss him.

Curled up under the beam of moonlight, he fell asleep.

* * *

**November 9  
**

It had been over a week since Rin had left- he’d probably sent emails, but Haru’s phone had been sitting in a box under his bed for about as long. What Rin had said before he’d left had been painful enough: Haru didn’t need any further guilt, or reminders.

He felt drained- he didn’t want to speak to anyone, but Nagisa had turned up at his apartment that evening; since Haru was aware he’d travelled a while from his accommodation, he’d invited him in.

Bent over, Nagisa gazed into the tank. Within it, Haru’s pet was poking his tiny head out of his crag- surveying his surroundings with his mouth opening and closing.

“Woahhhh! I can’t _believe_ you got him to come out...” Nagisa’s eyes sparkled. “Haru-chan, when you first bought him, he was so reclusive, but he’s totally different now! I didn’t even know he was capable of being social... I thought he was going to hide away, _forever!_ ”

“Yeah,” Haru agreed.

“That rock he stays in is like a castle! You could buy another one with that tank size!”

“He got used to living on his own. If I bought another one in, they might fight.”

“Ehhh, you’re right...” He’d obviously been searching for a segue into a different topic, since he ventured: “Rin-chan went back to his dorm, didn’t he..? S-so, did you… um… fight..?”

Haru didn’t reply. Nagisa attempted to lift the mood, declaring excitably:

“OH! But it must have been fun living together! I want a roommate, too!” Curls of his hair bounced as his posture became more animated. “They could help with the linen changes! And take out the trash for me! I’d wanna try their cooking, as well-”

“That sounds like a maid.”

“Heh. Yeah…” Nagisa thrust his arms behind his back, wobbling on the spot as he became downcast. “But, I don’t get it... he has a placement during April, so he’ll need to move again... why didn’t he wait until then..?”

With the way he spoke, it sounded like... Nagisa had discussed this subject with the others, and worked up an investment. Despite the part of Haru which knew his friends experienced his hurt secondhandedly... despite knowing their curiosity existed because they cared about him, and wasn’t malicious...

...The fact everyone had such an interest in his personal matters _bothered_ him. It was annoying, how people always talked about him whilst he wasn’t there- as if they knew, or understood- before coming to him directly to try and see his side. And when he felt like that… he got tunnel vision.

“Why are you asking? It’s nothing to do with you,” he answered tonelessly. 

“I-I know...”

Nagisa’s meek, startled reaction suggested Haru had- plainly and clearly- demonstrated why Rin would want to leave... why everyone would, eventually. The regret which swept over him must have shown, since Nagisa attempted to console him:

“Haru-chan, it’s okay-”

“It’s _not!_ ” Haru snapped. He blinked slowly- surprised by himself.

That wasn’t... what he was supposed to say. Normally, whenever somebody tried to reassure him, his response followed along the lines of: _I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, you don’t need to say that:_ those reactions were almost a conditioned. But, without being able to stop it… _it’s not okay_ had come out, instead. After giving Nagisa an apologetic look, he turned to the floor.

“I don’t know why Rin left,” Haru explained. He glanced back up- sincerely. “He decided it on his own all of a sudden. I never wanted him to go.”

“Haru-chan…” Nagisa drew closer and begun to pat one of his arms. After a period of quiet, his tone turned optimistic. “Hey... I’ll tell you the truth, okay?! I spoke to Rin-chan already, over the phone. He wouldn’t tell me what happened, but he said he hurt you badly, and he can’t forgive himself. He’s convinced you hate him.”

“...” He felt a stab of remorse.

“I know he wants to make up with you, too!” Nagisa enthused. “So, that’s all it takes, and you can! You’ve gotten over fights before!”

“...Yeah.” Haru smiled. With his arms flailed out and his face puffed in one of his spurred poses, both Nagisa’s demeanour and encouraging words made him feel better. “I want to see Rin again...”

“AHHH! _I know!_ ” Nagisa thrust his hand into his pocket for his smart phone- pulling up a conversation log. “Ta-dah! See _this?!_ I have his dorm room addressee! He gave it to me during April, ‘cuz I was gonna go visit him before he moved in with you... I’ll forward it to you, okay?!”

Was it okay to show up there, without calling ahead..? The more Haru considered it, the more convinced he became it was exactly the sort of surprise which Rin might like- and a good way to show he was serious. He hadn’t meant what he’d said: he wanted to apologise, and make up quickly.

 _He’s better off without you_ , a small part of him whispered, but Haru forced that notion aside with a powerful surge of denial _. No._ He couldn’t believe that the entire time Rin had lived here, it had been exclusively painful- when he remembered the tenderness Rin had kissed him with, he couldn’t believe those feelings which had bloomed were one-sided. He was sure there was a misunderstanding somewhere, or Rin had been upset, like him, and spoken words in the heat of the moment he didn’t mean. Even if Rin maintained that he wasn’t coming back, Haru wanted them to be on good terms. He wanted to know what that kiss had meant- and the reason why Rin had left. 

* * *

**November 13**

That morning, Haru charged his cell phone, placed a letter which had arrived for Rin into his sports bag, then attended training as usual. After finishing, he made his way directly to the train station.

He’d grown familiar with Rin’s routine during the months they’d lived together, and knew his work shift tonight finished at five pm. Rin would usually go to the gym afterwards, but would typically travel home first to eat and grab his sportswear... meaning that if Haru got there for around six, he could probably intercept Rin before he left. 

The train was crowded by work commuters and students returning from clubs. Even blocking out their chatter, the repetitive noise of the carriage moving against the tracks lulled Haru into a headache. As the train burst out from a tunnel, the city lights beyond his reflection in the window glass were stretched out and distorted.

When he climbed the steps to emerge from the subway platform, he noticed the sky had turned black and the air was sharp with frost- the cold penetrating through the threads of his scarf. His smart phone GPS directed him to a tall, tower building, studded with bright dots where some of the occupants were inside with their lights on. 

There was a card reader beside the main entrance doors- through them, Haru could see a security desk in the centre of the atrium within. He’d previously visualised Rin’s dormitory as being similar to his own apartment block- where you could reach the doors of each independent residence using walkways- but... the university building offered its students more protection. He couldn’t go directly up to Rin’s dorm and knock.

Situated above the card reader was an intercom: he could probably call Rin using that. Haru punched the dorm number into the keypad, pressed the telephone button and waited.

After a moment, Rin answered.

“Hey, what’s up?” It sounded as if he’d been expecting somebody- it was a Saturday evening, after all. Haru felt deterred enough to run away there and then. “Hello?”

“...Hi.”

“ _H-Haru?!_ What are you doing here?!”

The obvious surprise in his voice was like an icicle jammed between Haru’s ribs. He felt unwelcome- unwanted-

“H-hold on. I’m coming down.”

The temperature was freezing- Haru was beginning to notice it more, now he’d been standing around. He didn’t have to wait long, until the main doors opened and Rin came out.

 _He looks good_ , was the first thought which slipped into Haru’s mind. Within the apartment, Haru had grown used to Rin wearing workout clothes, or ones which were casual and loose-fitting; tonight, he was dressed in a black bomber jacket which was unzipped down the middle. His t-shirt had a stylish design- the thin fabric clinging tight to his abdominal muscles- worn with a necklace and fashionably ripped, gray jeans. Rin had never dressed like that to drive to the gym, or lounge around at home: he clearly already had plans for the evening. Haru didn’t know why he hadn’t considered that. He’d unconsciously projected himself onto Rin.

It had been a mistake to come here.

“Haru...” It was difficult to place the emotions on Rin’s face- surprise and confusion were the abundantly clear ones. There was a dryness to his words, like he had a lump stuck in the back of his throat. “Did you... come here from your training? You still have your bag with you...”

The mention of his bag prompted Haru to remember- he reached into the zip pocket.

“There was a letter for you,” he presented it to Rin, who accepted it- “It had an international stamp, so... it looked important.”

There was a lot he’d wanted to convey, which he now felt so unsure about sharing. Normally, Rin led the conversation more, but he was staring at Haru as if he wasn’t sure whether he was real- he might have been waiting for Haru to explain what he was doing here.

“You look well,” Haru tried- instead. 

“You look _cold_. _”_ Rin’s voice was impossibly faint. “You must have taken the train, right? It’s going to be late when you get back. And I was about to go out, too... why did you come this far without checking whether I’d be here? Why didn’t you _call_ me?”

“It’s hard to,” Haru murmured into his scarf.

Rin didn’t ask him to explain why hitting a button was more difficult than traveling here. He thrust both of his hands into his jacket pockets and tilted his head, his red eyes analysing Haru with the quiet intensity of submarine headlights probing through dark waters.

“Sorry. ...For everything. That’s all I wanted to say.” It was clumsier than Haru intended, and he didn’t know whether the extent of how much he meant those words had been carried across, but they were all he could manage. He turned to leave, when Rin grabbed one of his arms-

“No, Haru, don’t go.” His lips parted barely enough for him to speak, before their corners softened and curved upwards- his small smile holding an indescribable amount of warmth. “You didn’t seriously come all this way for that and a letter, right..? And I owe you an explanation for the past year.” He let go of Haru- all the traces of the tenderness wiped away as his expression became conflicted.

“You’re going out,” Haru reminded him flatly.

“No, this is important. Just let me make a call.” He removed his cell phone from a back pocket- muttering to himself as he tapped at the touch screen: “He said he’ll be running late... so, maybe he didn’t leave yet...”

“...Sousuke?” Haru questioned, frowning. 

Rin shook his head from side to side- holding his phone to an ear as it rang. “ _As if_... the one time that guy tried to come to my dorm, he almost ended up in Yokohama, so I pick him up now. I’m waiting on-”

“ _Riiiiiiiin!_ Yo-ho~!”

A cheerful shout made them turn in unison. Kisumi was hurrying over- put out of breath from the chill, wearing an argyle patterned scarf with a matching hat and mittens.

“Haru, you’re here, too?! What a surprise...!” Kisumi’s eyes made shapes resembling upside-down U’s when he smiled; as he addressed Rin, he seemed to radiate happiness. “You should at least tell me in advance if you’re planning on bringing someone else along on our _date_.. _.!_ ”

Rin drew his shoulders up and begun to blush. “ _W-well..._ this was unexpected for me, too...”

“Oh? Then you’ll both want to sort everything out with each other, right? You can use the reservation I made!”

“That’s no good. It’s way too public...” Rin was speaking directly to Kisumi. “Did they charge you for that?”

“It’s okay, it’s okay! They use an honour system. _Hmnnn..._ I suppose nobody else would be able to travel here to make the booking time, at such short notice...” he gave an exaggerated sigh, then winked at Rin. “I’ll just make you take me out as soon as you’re free, O-K? I’m already looking forward to it..!”

Haru’s heartbeat hammered. His blood seemed to coagulate within his veins- bubbling and thickening as it crawled to a still.

“Its fine. Go out together.” His throat caught as he spoke.

Rin blinked at him. “...Haru?”

He turned, and ran.

“Ah! _HARU-!_ ”

He ignored Rin’s call: he didn’t want to have that impending conversation, since he knew he couldn’t endure it. He didn’t want to think about how suddenly everything made sense. How much had Rin told Kisumi, for him to talk as if he knew what was going on between them..? He didn’t want to think about all the attention Kisumi had poured on Rin, when Haru had been there last month, at the mall: how he knew they’d met up in private at least one other time since then, because Kisumi had mentioned it in an email to him. It was definitely a short while after then, when Rin had begun to act more oddly too- closing down from Haru and beginning to proactively distance himself. He outran those thoughts. 

His calves were burning when he pulled up at the train platform: entering the carriage and dropping down onto the bench. The corners of his eyes were stinging, but he refused to let tears form- closing his eyelids, tilting his head back and forcing himself to breathe regularly. 

It was stupid. ...Wasn’t it? So, why did it feel like loose pieces were aligning?

It made sense that Rin had been afraid to tell him the truth, if he were dating one of their friends. He wouldn’t want that to be public- or maybe he’d been afraid Haru would throw him out, so he’d left in anticipation of that, or because he’d wanted the freedom to be with someone else. Then, why kiss him?! He’d already told Haru the answer, hadn’t he? Last month, he’d claimed he regretted it. ...It really had been just a mistake. Haru felt claustrophobic as the floor and walls begun warping into abstractions- the bright posters hanging down the middle of the train carriage advertising skin care lotion, and sodas, and variety shows were _screaming_ at him, making his ears pop and his head spin. Altering tactics, he forced his head down and concentrated on maintaining a steady respiration rate- trying to make it home. Every time his phone rang, he cancelled it.

When the overhead speaker called out his station, he staggered up. The weight of the bag on his shoulder was almost enough to pull him over- his body alternating between feeling heavy, then loose and unspooled.

His apartment was supposed to offer respite, but it felt as if all the air within had been sucked out when Haru burst into it. He slammed the door, then- because that didn’t make him feel any better- kicked it, hard. There was a loud bang from impact, followed by a crack as the wood on the inside split: he felt the reverberations of the door juddering in the frame up his leg, then there was the muffled tumble of coats hanging on the back being knocked down and crumpling. Haru dropped down amongst them and pulled his legs to his chest, folding his arms atop his knees- burying his head in them.

He didn’t want to believe it, but he _hated_ that the more he thought about it, the more he realised somebody like him would be good for Rin. Rin was full of a warmth Haru didn’t think he had a single spark of: feelings seemed to bloom and overflow from him. He deserved someone capable of bringing him happiness- someone lively and playful, who could brighten the mood of everyone around them and be naturally optimistic. Someone who found it easy to show affection, knew him well due to their history together, could motivate him back and maintained good relationships with all of their friends. They surely had hobbies in common, too- Kisumi probably didn’t need to ask Rin what music he was listening to, in the way Haru did, sometimes: he wouldn’t need Rin to remove an earbud, jam it into his ear and explain. He’d probably seen all of the movies Rin liked instead of knowing most of them by name, and was familiar with the brands of clothing he wore- never needing to contemplate whether they sounded western or not, whilst folding laundry.

He was probably easy to date, too. He wouldn’t need a year to come to terms with his feelings. He wouldn’t bring Rin to tears over and over, or fail to notice when Rin was upset. He wasn’t fundamentally _broken_ in a hundred incorporeal ways, with the cracks in all the parts of him still whole continually splintering out further, until the inevitable day everyone around him was expecting when he shattered completely. 

Within his sports bag, there was the notification chime of mail coming to his cell phone: Haru ignored it.

Were they out together, now..? Every muscle in Haru’s body ached from thinking about it. He needed to gain back some modicum of control- needed to keep the dual surges of despair and adrenaline which washed over him at bay, before he became completely lost to them.

His cell phone begun to ring.

It felt as if chest cavity was going to cave inwards, then burst open in a messy explosion- with every inhale, his lungs seemed to constrict more, until they were going to fold in on themselves. This once-familiar room was suddenly far too small: the walls were closing in and crushing him, making him unfold and melt.

That phone just wouldn’t _shut up._

He didn’t hear what it was doing: it kept incessantly making noises. It was another component in tumultuous mix, battling for Haru’s attention- something he _could_ control. Thrusting open the pocket of his bag, he hurled the device across the room, making it crash against a counter island: there was a sharp crack as the touch screen splintered, before the phone bounced onto the wooden floor. He’d damaged it, but... it continued making noise. Twice as annoyed, Haru climbed up, powered it off, then threw it into the garbage.

There was a flash in his mind.

...His laptop, as well. He needed to break it. Break up all of it. Whatever someone could use to contact him with- he’d smash it all up. He’d feel better if he did that. Whirling around, he was about to collect the machine from his bedroom, when his awareness returned enough for him to notice a shadow reflected on the wall of the living area, within the blue light projected there. He froze in place- fixated on his fish tank.

His pet eel was swimming around, close to the surface of the water. How long had he been waiting there..? Since Haru had come in, like usual..? Sound vibrations were far more powerful when heard underwater... all of that banging must have distressed him.

Collecting himself with a shaky inhale, Haru routinely cleaned off his hands then removed some prawns from the refrigerator. When he partially opened the aquarium lid and slipped a hand into the water, the cold felt nice against his skin. His eel swum up and accepted the offered food between his teeth- allowing Haru to run his fingers along his dorsal fin whilst he swallowed.

_You’re good._

That stinging in his eyes had returned. He wished there was a way to go onto automatic- he didn’t want to think. His eel kept swimming in slow loops around his wrist: brushing his nares against the side of Haru’s palm with each turn, until Haru regained his bearings enough to feed him another prawn, then stroke him- Haru’s hand following the undulating motions of his body.

This feeling would subside soon: he’d wait it out, like a fever. Until then...

Haru rested one side of his face on the closed part of the lid- his cheek pushing up against it. Fragmented memories from odd moments of happiness they’d shared whilst living here resurfaced within his mind. He could still hear Rin’s voice, within those recollections- resounding within his head.

* * *

**November 14**

Like clockwork, Haru resumed training the next day- entrusting himself to his exercise. He stayed late at the pool- long after the others had left- running home past 11pm: intending to spend as little time as possible by himself in his apartment.

The wind was bitter, so he wore his zip-up jacket. Even as his skin shivered, his blood turned to fire when he sprinted, the bright city lights blurring and distorting around him as he overtook cars which were stationary in a traffic jam. He stopped to rest for a few seconds when he reached the point of burnout, then sought out his reserve- like he always did, during the last spurt of a swimming race- the soles of his shoes slamming against the concrete as he commanded himself to speed up.

He didn’t need anyone. He was okay, with his pet, his swimming career, his job and his apartment- he had all he needed to live.

* * *

**November 15  
**

Makoto paid him a visit during the early hours of the morning: he’d typically show up if a couple days passed without communication between them.

There was a mostly unbroken silence on Haru’s part as they readied breakfast together. When Makoto gently inquired as to why Haru hadn’t been in last night, he dismissed the concern by saying he’d felt unwell so had gone to sleep early, and must not have heard the door. When he asked if Haru felt better now, he said he was fine. When he asked why Haru didn’t answer his calls, Haru claimed his cell phone had just stopped. 

Makoto obviously didn’t believe a single excuse Haru had provided, yet smiled compassionately as he went along with them- assuring Haru they could go shopping for a new phone during the winter sales, before lightly mentioning some of the festive plans which their friends were already making. Haru said he was too tired to partake in any of them, then similarly declined Makoto’s offer to share dinner that night.

Although Makoto’s eyes lingered dejectedly on them as they stepped out, he didn’t verbally acknowledge all of the coats Haru didn’t care enough to pick up yet cluttering up the entranceway- nor the huge dent on the inside of the front door. Rin’s name, too, stayed unspoken.

* * *

**November 21**

As Haru stared up at the plain ceiling of his bedroom that morning, he felt enshrouded within a thick fog. Wearily, he rolled onto his side and squinted at the calendar atop his dresser. He had a work shift today. He wanted to skip it- pull the comforter up over his head and bury himself within his bedding- but decided to get it over with. Maybe a distraction would help him feel normal.

He turned up at the café, changed into uniform, then passed through to the kitchen. An assistant was bringing in deliveries through the back door, whilst the other chef on duty was completing safety checks on the appliances.

“Good mornin’.”

The greeting Haru was thrown didn’t register. As he reached around and begun to deftly knot the strings of his apron, his fingers trembled- catching inside the loops. 

“Hey, what’s up with you? Bad night?”

He still felt that cloying unhappiness. There was no reprieve at home, with friends, from swimming- he couldn’t get a break anywhere. 

“I quit,” Haru decided.

As he removed the apron and set it back on the hook, the other chef stared at him. “Eh...?”

“I’m not working here anymore.” Haru replied. “I don’t want to do this.”

He didn’t offer a reason, because he didn’t have one: it just felt unbearable, and he couldn’t take it. That was all there was to it- he went home by himself.

After the scholarship deal and the sponsors which had rolled in, he didn’t need that job anyway: he’d kept going because he’d enjoyed it, but when that benefit evaporated, there was no point. He’d throw himself into swimming more.

He’d be fine.

* * *

**November 26**

His private coach picked Haru up in his car, from the university campus. 

“Been trying to reach you about the session we were supposed to have last week,” Ryuji grumbled, glancing beside him to where Haru was sitting in his passenger’s seat- “I got worried when you didn’t show. After I couldn’t reach your phone, I had to liaise with the university to check someone had seen you there.” When there was no response to that either, he prompted: “Not checking your email?”

“My phone broke so I threw it out.”

Ryuji grunted, but read the mood and let it go. “You okay?”

There was a hectic, scribbled cloud in Haru’s head. “Everything is fine,” he replied. 

“Since it’s a Friday, we’ll get dinner somewhere fancy after practice. On me.”

“I don’t want to.”

“ _Nonsense_ ,” Ryuji barked. “Never turn down high quality food- a good meal will go far. Are you eating properly? Those nutrient drinks wouldn’t be my first choice either, but you’ve gotta keep up with those. You need at least three times as many calories as anyone else-” 

Haru drowned it out.

* * *

**November 27**

His job and friendships had disintegrated around him, but he kept up with swimming practice- Haru didn’t know how to stop, even if he wanted to. The longer hours of strenuous exertion thoroughly exhausted him, yet he persisted on sheer momentum alone: tapping into a state of accelerated awareness. It didn’t last.

His speeds were rapidly beginning to decrease. As his arms arced furiously through the pool water during a practice trial that day- whipping up waves and splashing droplets around him- he felt like he was being carried out to sea.

He knew how poor his performance was before he touched back at the start podium. He’d been out of breath- veering from the lane- his crawl strokes intermittently slowing down and speeding up, as his energy depleted then was summoned back.

Hikaru didn’t bother to disclose his time: the look on his face said they both knew there was no point.

“Time me again,” Haru demanded.

“No. You’re all over the place. Go take a cool down.”

“I’ll get it on the next one. Time me.”

He became aggravated when Hikaru walked away: pulling himself up from the pool- moving to take a drink from his water bottle. Normally, he could clear his mind and focus on the water sloshing around him, becoming harmonious with it... but he’d been so weak back there, he’d been fighting to remain afloat. 

Seijuro approached with folded arms. “You’re having an off-day,” he said steadily. “It happens. Go home early tonight.”

He stalked off toward the showers. Asahi followed, but hung back.

“Haru... are you... alright..?” He asked, as Haru pulled off his swimming cap and shook his fringe his from his eyes.

“I’m tired,” he murmured back.

“Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” He seemed to contemplate what else to say, settling with: “Go ahead and call me if you need... y’know, anything.”

Once Haru was alone in the showers, he let himself fall back against the tiled wall, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration as an onslaught of droplets pattered onto him.

_I don’t want to be like this again._

_I can’t._

_I can’t._

_I can’t-_

_..._ Whatever. He didn’t care.

* * *

**November 28**

The clock read 11:26am when he awoke- he’d slept past the alarm, yet didn’t remember turning it off. Haru had developed such a strict routine over the years that he should have woken up naturally by now. This wasn’t like him.

He didn’t want to get out of bed. It felt like his body resisted when he pushed off the mattress- as if every one of his limbs were leaded down. He didn’t want to go to training, either. 

...He had to make himself. He had to do what he’d been doing, for years.

Opening up his wardrobe, he stared at the soft colours of his everyday wear inside, contrasted by the darker and brighter ones of his training gear- all stamped with the brand logos of his sponsors. Even choosing what to wear felt like work. He grabbed something recent, getting ready quickly. After he’d tied up his running shoes and slung his sports bag over his shoulder, he stood in the entranceway. Technically, he was already outside of his home now, so... throwing open that still-damaged door should have been easy. Yet, he couldn’t muster the willpower to extend a hand and unlock it. On the count of three, he’d force himself.

One...

Two…

_Three-_

He opened the door.

Beyond the walkway railings lay the parking lot for the building residents. Beyond _that_ were the jumbled shapes of Tokyo buildings, cluttering up the skyline as far off into the distance as he could see. The morning was bright and crisp from cold: white, November sunlight streamed in through the metallic support beams holding up the third floor of the complex. It was a good day for this time of the month: clear skied but fresh. Haru would usually take off in a jog, but was paralyzed, as the fizzling of white noise overcame his ears.

He didn’t know what he’d expected to see outside of his apartment, but this view seemed strange, somehow. No: it felt like the whole world around him had become unfamiliar- it kept spinning as he was frozen, unable to take a step forward. His head was such a mess, but it had felt like he’d been getting better for a while- only for him to find he hadn’t understood anything, and have it all ripped away. He hadn’t been happy before, but it had been easier to manage when he’d felt detached and empty. Now... he was so packed full of feelings, that with every throb of his heart, he was in agony.

He dropped into a crouch, hyperventilating, as his vision spotted before him. He could feel his lungs moving involuntarily, but it felt like no air was being taken in- as if he were being slowly suffocated by his attempts to breathe.

From the corner of his eye, he saw it.

That keyring attached to his sports bag. The one Rin had bought him from that aquarium as a birthday present, which Haru had found hanging from his bedroom door handle later during that night. He undid the strap so he could cup it between his palms: like a magic charm, it grounded him momentarily, pulling him back to earth.

It was a clear pocket with a sticker of a castle on the back, a dolphin and some coloured stars bouncing around within a blue gel. When Haru squished his fingertips against the casing, the dolphin within moved around in a loop.

There was an awkward flutter within his ribs. The keyring slipped from his hands as he doubled back inside- slamming the door behind him. Sitting against the back of it, he pulled his legs to his chest and folded his arms atop his knees.

The fish tank lights were on, simulating sunlight, and causing wave-like reflections to ripple across the living area. His pet came out of his rock- curious about the noise- but Haru didn’t feel capable of getting up. Looking up from the floor, Haru watched him... swimming around in repetitive circles. 

* * *

_...It’s quiet._

Slumped against the bedframe in his dormitory, Rin was unable to relax.

It had been two weeks since Haru had visited him; Rin had made twelve attempted calls that night before he’d realised Haru wasn’t going to pick up. Since then, none of them had connected... meaning Haru had either turned off his phone or blocked the number. Rin had spoken with Makoto, who had advised him to give Haru time and space: stating that Haru was unwilling to speak, and turning everyone away. How long was Rin supposed to wait before seeing him again, though..?

He hadn’t _wanted_ to leave that apartment, yet staying there had created a mutually unhealthy situation- Haru needed a close friend, not a boyfriend, whilst he was the opposite way around. When Rin hadn’t been discontent there- simulating the reality he longed for- he’d felt as if he were treading a path to madness: constantly suppressing urges and monitoring what he said.

As for Haru... although he’d benefitted from their cohabitation- beginning to realise what he’d missed and recognizing the value of company, again- he’d become so satisfied that he’d made no attempts to acknowledge or get to the bottom of his own problems. He hadn’t tried to repair or sustain other relationships outside of Rin and Makoto. He hadn’t made efforts to attend group meetings or become closer to his swim team; within the familiarity of his home, his mood was controlled but stress and disruption still seemed liable to throw him wildly off-kilter. He’d been obviously hurt when Rin had left- all but _begging_ him to stay during their argument, with a look in his eyes which had twisted Rin’s heart... it must have been traumatic, for him to be left alone again.

Was he okay..? Rin knew he’d confused Haru by making that confession, recanting it, then kissing him- he wouldn’t blame Haru for feeling angry or hurt, since Rin would have been furious at having a kiss stolen, too. Running away had seemed like the only option: he’d been too guilty and ashamed to face Haru afterwards. For so long, he’d been desperately trying to protect their friendship, but because of several moments where he’d let go of his inhibitions, the events of last year were repeating, anyway.

At the beginning of the month, Rin had been so broken up over their fight, so worried about Haru and frustrated with standing by, that he’d eventually worked up the resolve to call Kisumi- intending to meet, discuss the situation and gain an outsider’s perspective... but Haru had unexpectedly shown up, apologised, then been scared away. At Kisumi’s insistence, Rin had given in and arranged to meet again tonight, but... he no longer had the patience for conversation.

Winter illuminations were assembled around Tokyo- romantic movies were advertised, Christmas trees had sprung up in shopping plazas and commercial decorations were being displayed in store fronts. Normally, Rin liked all the fanfare which came with the holiday season, but this year was going to be unbearable. Despite all the festivities, the city felt monotonous and monochrome: the evening sky dark and clouded.

They were sitting in another café. Star shaped lamps hung from the ceiling; it was busy, with the door continuously chiming and a chill encroaching further in each time a steady flurry of customers came or went. Rin’s coffee served as an accessory: it remained untouched as he sat with an elbow on the table- his head in a hand. 

“Riiin... it feels rude if it’s only me drinking...” Kisumi whined.

“...Just go ahead.” It was petulant to take his mood out on others, but he couldn’t feign enthusiasm.

“I’m sorry. It was my fault Haru ran off, wasn’t it..? He worked up the confidence to visit you, but I made him feel like a disturbance...”

“You’re not to blame. It was bad timing.” Rin murmured. “I don’t know what good will come of this,” he then added- scowling at Kisumi. “There’s no point in me being here...”

“I told you! I have a lot of experience giving relationship advice to friends! You should try me! People say I’m helpful a lot.” Kisumi glowed- his cheery demeanour well beyond Rin’s current tolerance threshold.

“This situation is between me and Haru- we need to sort it out together. I just can’t contact him right now, to do that...”

“He came to see you. Why not do the same?”

“I want to..! But, Makoto is checking in on him... he said it’s better to leave Haru alone.”

Kisumi’s lips made an ‘ _o_.’ “Did Haru tell him to say that..?”

“I mean... I don’t _think_ so...”

“Then disregard it!” He made a wiping gesture with his hands.

“ _No_." Rin glared. "He’s always been with Haru, so he knows what’s best. Acting on my own is what created this mess to start with... if I interfere too much, I’ll make everything worse.”

“ _Hmnnn._..” Kisumi made a pondering noise- eventually addressing Rin. “You don’t let Sousuke speak for you, do you?”

With his playful attitude, he’d been coming across as tone-deaf, but Rin became wary that Kisumi may be touching on a point. Taking his arm off the table, he sat up straight.

“I don’t, but... I’d still trust him to make decisions I agree with...”

“Not all the time, though?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Well... let’s try a thought experiment. I have a good one in mind! You told Haru you liked him last year, right? But, he didn’t reciprocate at all...” Kisumi ignored the murderous look Rin gave him, pleasantly continuing: “If you went to Sousuke for advice after that, what do you think he would have said..? I won’t hear any passive answers like: ‘ _he’d say it’s up to me_ ’, okay? In this hypothetical example, I’ll accept only concrete suggestions!”

“He...” Rin considered. “I-if I pressed him to tell me what to do, he’d probably say...” He exhaled. “How should I know..? Maybe... something along the lines of that I should avoid Haru for a while, and try to move on. Because, I’ll keep getting hurt if I fixate on someone who rejected me...”

“Yes. That sounds sensible.” Kisumi’s eyes glittered. “But... I’m guessing forgetting about Haru and trying to move on wasn’t what you wanted, was it..?”

“...It wasn’t.” Rin gazed at the table. “It _isn’t_ ,” he corrected quietly, then his voice gained resolve as he elaborated: “Even if it’s painful on some level, I still want Haru in my life. Because no matter how much it hurts knowing I like him in a way that’s one-sided, I feel worse about throwing away the friendship we have. Besides... I already tried avoiding him when we didn’t speak for eight months- it didn’t change anything. Because, I’m not ready to move on yet...”

“So, you’re saying that a suggestion which seemed like the obvious one for your wellbeing ran counter to what you actually wanted?” Kisumi gave a teasing smile. “Do you see where I’m going with this..?”

“...”

“I’m not saying you made the right decision,” Kisumi held up a finger. “In fact, you might have missed out on all kinds of beneficial opportunities or caused yourself tons of avoidable suffering because of that mindset, Rin! I’m saying that people make decisions which don’t always line up with their immediate best interests or seem logical to others. That goes without saying, doesn’t it..?”

“Bringing the conversation back to Haru... with all we discussed in mind, I’m positive Makoto truly believes he’s acting in Haru’s best interest by shieling him from confrontation and affording him privacy to heal when he’s struggling. And maybe before, that approach was beneficial. But... in this circumstance, you both might gain more from a direct attempt at resolution. In fact... even though it runs the risk of being hurt, I think that’s what Haru wants.”

“How can you know..?”

“Because he already told you, Rin. He came all the way up to your dormitory, to see you.”

Tears seared in Rin’s eyes- he blinked them back. “You... you’re actually pretty helpful...”

“ _Of course!_ ” Kisumi didn’t catch that it had been half of a compliment- clasping his hands together in benediction. “I said you should try talking to me! Being open is always best!” 

“Yeah.” He’d been encouraging Haru to open up, whilst lying the whole time... he really was hypocritical. “...It is.”

For over a year, Rin had attributed the breakdown of their friendship to his confession- convinced that as long as he could cover up his feelings, they could avoid another fall out- but... in reality, the cause back then had been... both of them. They’d failed each other. 

Rin had been so embarrassed, hurt and vulnerable that he’d conflated Haru’s rejection into one of _him_ : irrationally convinced that if he’d reached out, Haru would have surely been uncomfortable or turned him away... yet the fact Haru had asked him to move in when they’d met again proved those fears had been unsubstantiated. It was true Rin had sent the last message between them without receiving a reply, but... there had been nothing to prevent him from sending another to congratulate Haru on an interview he’d seen, wishing him a happy new year or checking in on how he was once some time had passed. And from Haru’s side, Rin now knew he’d been struggling with personal matters, then- it hadn’t been solely Rin he’d closed down from: every one of his relationships had taken hits.

He’d lost sight of the reason _why_ he’d confessed, in the first place: he’d done it to set himself free. He should have stood by that admission, instead of doubling back in a message, then again when Haru had asked during May and October. He needed to take responsibility for those lies now and correct them- to apologise for all he’d put Haru through because of that deception. He hoped Haru would be willing to listen, and with that retrospective would still wish to reconcile. It didn’t matter if the extent of his feelings wasn’t reciprocal: in his own time, he would find a way to manage that. Haru deserved to know the truth. And he’d had enough of lying and overthinking- as long as he kept that up, he would continue to have regrets.

_How is your training going? What kind of foods did you make lately? I want to hear about what you’ve been doing, and the thoughts that are on your mind. I’ll even let you tell me about those documentary shows you like, or that creepy pet of yours... I just want to talk to you._

_I need to know you’re okay._

_I love you._

Kisumi had been focused on the television on the wall. “Wow... they’re forecasting heavy snow for December! I bet it will be so pretty..!” He turned back. “Eh? Rin..?”

Rin didn’t bother putting on his scarf or coat- he grabbed them, hurrying out.

* * *

After his car pulled up at Haru’s apartment block, Rin rushed up the steps to the second storey- about to knock on Haru’s door, when he noticed a small, blue item on the ground.

_Oh... I almost stepped on it._

It was Haru’s keyring. Didn’t he keep it on his training bag..? It had probably snagged in the door when he’d come in for the evening. So, he’d been out swimming: that was a good sign. Rin pressed the buzzer.

“Haru?” He inquired loudly. When there was no reply, he gave it a little longer. “Hey, it’s me. Can you come out for a second? I want to talk to you. It’s important!”

...Nothing. Was he home? The living area window faced the walkway- the curtain there was pulled, and the room behind it appeared in darkness. Rin tried again.

“Um...” He raised his voice- speaking clearly. “Listen, I was gonna go get some food. I thought, maybe you didn’t eat yet, so... do you want to go out together? ...If you don’t get to the door within the next ten seconds, I’ll pick the place, okay?! And you’ll have to go along with it!”

There was a rustle from within the apartment next door: he was disturbing the neighbours. It was dark already, so maybe Haru had gone to sleep, stayed late at training or was visiting Makoto, but... it was also possible Haru was in there, ignoring him... Rin squashed his annoyance.

“I’m not gonna give up, you know! I’ll keep coming here every night! Seriously, I’ll do this as many times as I need to!”

He might have been getting out of the bath and on his way to answer, but Rin couldn’t hear any sounds from inside. Just silence.

“Please say something, Haru,” he pleaded. “Even if you tell me to go away.... send me an email, or… something… please, just respond in some way. Ignoring me is unfair... I’m so worried about you...”

He wanted to hear it was stupid. That he was fine, and Rin was being ridiculous.

_Maybe he’s out after all..?_

With no choice but to leave, Rin pulled away from the door- glancing down at the keyring in his palm. That dolphin was lonely, confined within its own pocket, bobbing up and down. When squeezed, the gel would cause it to circle its undoubtedly tiny and familiar world... he frowned at it. 


End file.
